KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

Last thread locked - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534535&page=11

I don't keep track of the numbers but labug's last post about remembering to not waste time on the past and trying to change things that can't be changed was a good reminder.. so I thought that would be a good thread title, to remind myself regularly

labug - yes, he IS very different. If I met him today he's not someone I'd be interested in dating, unless we spent a lot of time together and somehow liked each other through proximity, since that sometimes happens. If I think about today vs. 10 years ago, it's interesting how much things and people change.. but when you're in a relationship on a day-to-day basis you don't really see it. Add that to the fact that we were basically kids when we started dating and had not yet grew into who we would be as adults... we've taken some different paths and chosen different priorities.

Maybelle - When we talked we were in a group of 8 people, but things we had in common were:
-he is a police officer and criminal justice is near and dear to me. It's what I studied as an undergrad (major in Legal Studies, minor in criminal justice), I did a lot of CJ-related internships including some in law enforcement, and really thought I'd work in law enforcement or corrections later on. But, as we well know, happenstance jumps in and sometimes takes us in a different direction! We talked about anecdotes and stories related to that.
-I currently work in higher education, which is what his master's degree is in and what he worked in before becoming a police officer (slightly different areas but we have that student affairs background/training in common)
-and.... that's about it. Mostly it was group talk, introducing people to others, random conversation.

I gathered from facebook he likes outdoorsy things (fishing, camping, snow-shoeing). I haven't really done a lot of that.. but would be interested in trying some of it (not fishing, fish creep me out). But since that's not really anything we talked about that would be kind of weird, unless I really got one of my mutual friends to work it for me "So K mentioned she'd really like to try skiing, and since you do ski patrol at the local hill, would you be interested in showing her the ropes?"

When I think about people that have been very forward and said things to me like "you're cute, want to hang out?" or like my stalker guy, I've always reacted negatively and thought they were creepy, so I don't want this guy to think I'm creepy. But maybe those guys really WERE just creepy and I could tell that.

I do want to make sure I worked through what I need to work through before getting into dating. How do you know when you've done the work you need to do? Can you ever really be "done" or is it just ongoing (and then how do you know you've done "enough" to not make the same mistakes in your next relationship?) Something I've mentioned before is not making the mistake of sticking with someone who I am way more into than they are into me and feeling like I have to force them to love me... I worry that pursuing someone I don't know well is in that same vein and will lead to similar end results.

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

I just wanted to check in on you. You seem to be doing well. In regards to dating, I assume everyone is different. I've always felt some people seem to transition easily from R to R (what goes on in their minds is a different story) and I've never been one of those people.

You are young and don't have kids, so go at your own pace. Actually that part is true for everyone:-). Look at it more as getting to know someone and finding out if you really like them. If you do-great and if not-move on. We have similar BD dates and I am not ready to date. But some people are open right away. I envy the peeps who are open to dating:-)

You are doing awesome!!! Keep it up:-)

[KGirl]

Yes, I think for me it's just more getting to know people, seeing what is out there, maybe reassuring myself that there ARE good people out there and I WILL find someone in time. I am totally not ready for the physical aspect of dating which makes me think maybe I'm not ready. Several of my friends who are now married or with long-term spouses slept w/ their partners on their third date. And they hadn't known the other person at all before dating, it was either set up through friends or via the internet! That sounds terrifying. So I guess I'm open to some aspects of it, but not others.

So this guy and the friend I met him through hung out together this week. I asked him about it and if the guy was still single. He texted back "Sort of. He's been on a few dates but I'm not sure if he's actually dating anyone." For some reason that makes me feel like I may have missed my chance, even though he could very well not be dating anyone. I'm also not sure why my friends aren't more positive or encouraging about this. I've made it very clear I'm interested, have asked if they would invite him sometime when we go do something together, asked for help in connecting us, etc. I've been very clear and direct about it. And yet they skirt around it, or don't seem encouraging, like in the message above. I don't get it, and it takes me to all these mind-reading places ("Do they not think he's a good guy and don't want me to hang out with him? Do they think it's inappropriate for me to date when I'm still M and therefore aren't helping me?") etc. Maybe I just need to make a move on my own...

[zew]

Well, you can make speculations ad nauseum on too little information, driving yourself crazy in the process, OR you can bust a move.

risk vs reward vs regret vs rejection... it's all in there, isn't it.

What does KGirl want to do?

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^

Yes to all above. You don't need your friends approval. What is the worst that can happen? You ask him out and he says no? Meh. If that happens, then move along. If he says yes? Then relax, go and have fun. No commitments necessary:)

[Mozza]

Many of us have to learn to get past "No" in dating. It's one of the reasons I started flirting recently. Ironically, it builds confidence. It hasn't killed me, against my expectations, so it made me stronger. It makes me feel like a regular person who can be paired, like anyone else, not an outsider to these rituals. Also, if you take a chance 10 times a month, the stakes are much lower than if you do it twice a year. I've friends my age who've been on the dating scene for a long time and they are obviously much more relaxed about the whole thing than I am.

So I encourage you not only to ask this guy out but also to flirt with at least one guy a week, be it the cashier at the supermarket or a new guy in a yoga class. It's all for a good cause.

Also, is there a rule we have to sleep with a person on the third date? Nice to know. I see sex as much more unattainable than this, so I wouldn't have such expectations so early. If you're not ready at any point, you just say goodbye. If he doesn't call back, you dodged a bullet.

This dating advice was graciously offered by a guy who hasn't been dating in 10 years.

[KGirl]

Blah. I go back and forth. Now after reading a bunch of websites on "dating before D is final" I'm reconsidering. There a lot of people out there that refuse to date anyone while they're only separated and I can understand that. I think Underdog posted recently about meeting guys through online dating sites and not being interested because they weren't actually D yet. I don't want to be seen in poor taste. I don't want to lose a potential partner because I tried to date them while I was still married and they thought it was inappropriate/I was just looking for a rebound/I wasn't disentangled from my prior relationship/etc. I feel it'd be possible to get around some of that if it somehow came up where my friends could share my backstory, but I don't really have control over that. Maybe waiting until D is final would be better - it's slated to be in early May.

[zew]

Well that's fine too. Just do whatever you do out of principle, not out of fear.

[Karma12]

I think as long as you have filed something legally that dating is fine. Jeeze my STBX had his AP live with him for a few months after we S. Now he's onto GF number 2!

I've just started dipping my toe in the dating pool. I think it's healthy to give yourself 6 months to a year after a S. To at least get yourself healthier before dating. Otherwise it can often just be a rebound relationship

[Karma12]

I think as long as you have filed something legally that dating is fine. Jeeze my STBX had his AP live with him for a few months after we S. Now he's onto GF number 2!

I've just started dipping my toe in the dating pool. I think it's healthy to give yourself 6 months to a year after a S. To at least get yourself healthier before dating. Otherwise it can often just be a rebound relationship