Last post of previous thread for continuity's sake.
Gold is right, Train.
You hit on something. My W sounds something like your sister. Not as ambitious, but certainly opinionated, expects undivided attention, and has been running the show for most of our M. I handed over control of much of my life to her when we got married (went straight from home to college to marriage without taking a breath). That caused a cycle of resentment in me that has continued until now.
I was a classic "nice guy" (many of you are familiar with that reference). My primary concern was keeping her happy, because by god you knew it when she wasn't. I stopped going to church because she didn't like organized religion. She never forbade me from going, but I didn't risk her disapproval. We're living in the town she wants to live in. I gave up the career plans I had been working for since junior high because it would have required moving, and she refused to move. Now I've wasted 17 years in a career I don't particularly like. When she fell in love with me in college I had a passion and purpose. I had a good sense of humor. I was confident in myself as a man. I lost much of that after we got married. I can see now where that helped set the stage for my current sitch.
It hit me tonight while I was working out. The old, meek, people pleasing Rzr is dying (except when it comes to my W, apparently) and thank God, because all being that nice guy has bought me is a mediocre career, a ho-hum life, unhappy M and broken familial ties. I've regained much of my positive self image and I'm approaching life with far more confidence now. I can see improvement in my relationships with people outside the house, but it's harder to see here.
One of the big reasons she says she doesn't respect me is that I failed to stand up to my toxic parents. That's a legitimate complaint. If I wasn't capable of standing up for myself, how would I have been able to stand up for her? She cites very specific reasons for why she doesn't trust me and is not attracted to me, but I can't help but wonder if really it boils down to the fact that I was meek and pleasing with her. OM is less physically attractive than I am (by my W's admission), but he was funny, confident, charming, and, well, masculine. All those things at which I had apparently not been very good.
I have noticed that sometimes when I have taken a stronger stand with her, she eventually responds positively, after some drama. We had one of the worst fights of our sitch on Tuesday night; it got to the point where I was packing bags. I got insanely angry at her over some things she had said. Things eventually calmed down between us and we went to bed on good terms. The next morning she told me (in calm tones for her) that I needed to connect with her on an emotional level; I would never be able to talk or certainly bully her into falling back in love with me. That's a perfectly valid point. Since then she hasn't exactly been exuberantly happy, but she's been warmer towards me and calmer.
I'm not saying that I need to go lose my s*** every time we have a heated discussion; If I can keep calm while clearly engaging her when appropriate and enforcing boundaries, I'm sure I can get farther with her.
Great feedback! _________________________ Me 42 Her 43 D10, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Still living together
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Aaaaaand. If things weren't complicated enough. She has a tumor.
She had a lump on her upper chest (above her breast) checked out, and it turned out to be what's called a desmoid tumor. The good news is that it's probably benign, but it will require removal and probably some plastic surgery.
I know the last thing she wants is to be vulnerable to me in any way.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Don't worry about what she wants. Or the "last thing" she wants. She is probably scared sh!tless right now (but might not show it).
I know this must scare - or at least rattle - her. (I've been there; thankfully, mine was deemed benign after a biopsy.) It can be an eye-opening experience, to be sure.
She needs you. Even if she doesn't say it.
Time to rise and shine, Rzr. You're the one. BE the one.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Don't worry about what she wants. Or the "last thing" she wants. She is probably scared sh!tless right now (but might not show it).
I know this must scare - or at least rattle - her. (I've been there; thankfully, mine was deemed benign after a biopsy.) It can be an eye-opening experience, to be sure.
She needs you. Even if she doesn't say it.
Time to rise and shine, Rzr. You're the one. BE the one.
Scared shitless about covers it. I know that chances are it's benign, but I'm scared too.
She said today that this wasn't fair to me, that she was putting me in the position of being there for her with our M being in the state its in. She didn't want me being there for her messing with her clarity. I just told her that her health was top priority right now. We would work on the rest in good time.
No doubt some fear-induced spew is coming. If there's ever a time to STFU, it's now.
Time for calm Time for positive Time for leadership Time to step up.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
No doubt some fear-induced spew is coming. If there's ever a time to STFU, it's now.
Whether spew comes, or not, can you remain calm through her ordeal? It is extremely important that you are the strong, silent partner. If her health really is a priority, then do not allow emotions about the marital problems pull you into another tantrum. Show her you can handle this. Both of you can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
D15 is having issues; she got angry at us for something unrelated to our marriage, called MIL and wanted her to come get her. MIL lives 80 miles away and was not about to come get her on a school night. D15 said that we were fighting. Actually last night was one of the most calm and sane R discussions we had in a long time. Part of it is D15 is a teenager and doesn't see past herself very much, but I also know she's acting out of fear. She's worried about W's health issues and worried about what her family's going to look like in a few months. I totally understand that. I talked to her and she feels ignored, because we spend too much time locked away in our room. Ouch. She has a point.
W and I are going to sit down with D15 tonight and talk through some things; she needs to understand that she needs to respect us, despite the issues we have going on. One of our areas of strength is that we have been a solid team when it comes to parenting. In return we are going to start taking steps to engage more with our children. We both know they have gotten the short end of the stick for the last few months. We've done lots with them, but we spend too much time locked away, too.
After talking with D15, W and I are going to sit down together and figure out our goals and priorities. We're actually going to write things down and come up with a plan to make our lives better. These seem like small steps, but we've got to start somewhere.
1. Start spending our evenings out in the main house with the kids. Part of that would involve actually doing things with the kids, but even if we're just working on our own projects, we're out in the main area of the house. If we are in the bedroom, the door is open (except for sleeping and, hopefully, other things) to encourage the kids to come in and interact with us.
2. Get back to family meal at least once a week and find a night to play board games
3. Stop with the R talks outside of MC as much as possible. W thinks that we may be putting too much pressure on ourselves to reconnect by talking all the time instead of just living.
4. Come up with common goals. That was a theme in MC today; we separately wrote down our individual, couple and family goals. They all meshed nicely.
Mind you, much of this initiative is coming from her. Color me surprised.
The MC session was upbeat. We talked about common goals; we're going to touch on that more next week, and also talk about forgiveness. We need to forgive each other for our past mistakes; I need to forgive OM and W needs to forgive my parents; her deep hatred of my parents is a definite barrier to our reconciliation. Even W sees that. My hatred of OM is having the same effect.
The therapist said that she is seeing small but noticeable positive shifts in the way we both speak to and about each other. She was very encouraged. Hopefully we're seeing some upward momentum.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
