Hi, I'm newly separated and have been reading DR. My husband has left me because he felt neglected, like he wasn't wanted, and that I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I'm desperate to show him this isn't true and to make changes. It's true that I let the stresses of life, work, and kids get in the way of putting him first and I'm so regretful of that. My question is this: will the strategies in DR, like not saying "I love you," and acting nonchalant, work for me, given that the whole problem was that I wasn't attentive enough to his needs for affection and intimacy? He's reluctant to stay with me because he doesn't believe I'll change. He feels I'm just trying to save the relationship for security, familiarity, or whatever. I truly love my husband and want to save my marriage. I'm nervous that DR strategies will just confirm his sense that I don't care. That said, I don't want to appear needy, either. I'd love any advice you guys might have. Thank you!
Separated 1/15. Three young children. Hoping to reconcile.
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm sorry that you are in crisis right now. We are here to help and support you. Your best advice comes from Michele's works, her team...and from within YOU, because you know your situation best.
There is no onesizefitsall good advice, and you are wise to look at the techniques and question whether they fit your situation. You know that more of what you've been doing is going to give you more of the result you just received.
One generalization that seems to be true a good deal of the time is that if you pursue too hard, you will push him away. You will likely seem insincere.
No hard cold rules for you. Go slow, realize the best thing you can give your children is to build a good strong marriage so you can parent them together.
Make sure you really listen whenever he talks. Start making changes that make him feel loved. Do them genuinely from your heart.
Take care of yourself, your self esteem can take a beating in these situations for awhile.
I wish you great success, a forgiving heart from your husband and great love.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thank you, sg, that's helpful. I'm not doing well at all. I've never been in this much emotional pain in my life. I had a man who was good to me, who loved me. And I let him feel neglected. I have so much regret. I'm not sure if he's going to come back. I think he's done. I'm terrified and I don't now how to move forward at all. I'm trying to be lighthearted around him, but I'm devastated.
Separated 1/15. Three young children. Hoping to reconcile.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
...I had a man who was good to me, who loved me. And I let him feel neglected. I have so much regret. I'm not sure if he's going to come back. I think he's done. I'm terrified and I don't now how to move forward at all. I'm trying to be lighthearted around him, but I'm devastated.
My advice to you is to figure out how to emotionally calm yourself. Being upset will not help anything.
The MWDavis method is really pretty good. My observation is that people often try to do one of two things to repair a bad relationship.
The first is to do a lot more of what wasn't working in the first place. If a little is good a lot must be better, even if it doesn't work. That is where the whole idea of the MW Davis 180 is so great. That is why not pursuing and being casual works, because it is different. By changing yourself and acting differently, you are creating a situation where your husband has to look at you differently and treat you differently, hopefully in a way that make you feel better and heals your marriage. Not perfect, but better that keep hitting your head against the wall.
The second most commone mistake folks make is "play victim" and expect your mate to "save you" from your fate. That also doesn't really work after someone has reached a certain point in a realtionship. Again, the great part of the MW Davis plan on Getting A Life, doing things to improve yourself, is all designed to make sure you are not a victim but that you gain control of yourself and gain confidence, which is sexy.
In my opinion women have it easy when it comes to GAL. You can exercise (hit the gym or go for walks/runs (even with your kids), they can sign up for self improvement classes that will knock the socks off their husbands. For example, lets say you took a belly dancing class, a pole dancing class as exercise it would certainly change the image of you that your husband has. I mean he would probably see you in a whole different light and maybe wonder what he might be missing out on. Even if he never comes back, you will have done things to make you more comfortable with your body, more self confident, and be able to drop them in a conversation with the next man in your life, who might even be your husband.
Yes, change and loss of a relationship are terrible. You need to take charge of your life and make some changes in yourself.
Marriage counseling (with the right counselor) can also be very helpful and while costly, is a lot less expensive than the cost of two divorce attorneys.
Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Ginger, if you could have changed your behavior, what specifically would you have done differently? Why do you think he felt neglected? What was going on in your home?
Young at Heart is completely right about taking charge of your life. It's a little much to expect you to be carefree at this point, but taking him seriously, listening and validating, and paying attention are all excellent places to start.
I'm sorry you're here but you're in the right place.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hi Ginger -- most men don't suddenly leave unless they are secretly involved with someone else. If you read through the threads on this board you'll find that that is almost always the case. Prepare yourself and protect yourself. Even though he says he felt neglected, now is not the time to shower him with attention -- it's time to pay attention to your own needs for moving forward, one way or another. Best of luck to you.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
