I don't know about men, but I think a WW will hear the same words from the H and it turns her off. He sounds fake. He has motives, etc., (which AP certainly did.....but that was different, right?) Until she gets OM out of her system, the H could easily see this as a no-win situation for him. My H has always been very complimentary, but it just did not have the same effect as when it came from a stranger. That's so sad! It sounds sick, and I guess it is. In the beginning of the A, everything is new and fresh. I think there other psychological effects at work.
I absolutely could not agree more. It's those freakin' brain-chemicals (PEA, dopamine, etc.) associated with As, which are addictions. And addictions, as we know, are serious, scary business.
Wonka once told me: "Be the OW to the OW." I thought that was a perfect way to look at it. I know that's easier for women than it is for men who are trying to re-attract their female spouses. I don't envy y'all; it must feel like all-out mental warfare to try to crack the code that is a woman. LOL! (Sorry, I shouldn't laugh ...)
Be proactive, but have patience. I really do think you're on the right track ... mainly because, hey, she's still there! That's a good sign, right? wink
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/26/1501:09 AM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I think your W has this attitude of sitting back and finding everything that isn't working, while saying, "Okay, if you think you can change mymind, then you prove otherwise". Then you try to point out various times things took place, and she shruggs it off b/c she didn't have the same feelings.
If you are making headway with not having R talks so much, then I suggest you up the challenge by not trying to convince your W that things are working out. I mean, if her mind is set, why is it your job to make her think differently to how she determines her own thought pattern? Encouragement is one thing, but after a time it seems more like trying to control what one thinks. So, fire yourself from that job. It may be hard for you to see, but it really is pointless to keep this up.
Hasn't this very issue of you trying to change her viewpoint led to heated arguments? I think you need to be the one to shrugg off her negative statements about the MR. Let it go, and let her think however she wants. She's going to, anyway.
Quote:
Wonka once told me: "Be the OW to the OW." I thought that was a perfect way to look at it. I know that's easier for women than it is for men who are trying to re-attract their female spouses
.
I agree. I haven't made this statement before, mainly b/c I don't how to explain it. However, I am going to say it now. I believe it is probably easier for the woman to reattract the man than for him to reattract her, b/c of the differences in their make-up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think your W has this attitude of sitting back and finding everything that isn't working, while saying, "Okay, if you think you can change mymind, then you prove otherwise". Then you try to point out various times things took place, and she shruggs it off b/c she didn't have the same feelings.
If you are making headway with not having R talks so much, then I suggest you up the challenge by not trying to convince your W that things are working out. I mean, if her mind is set, why is it your job to make her think differently to how she determines her own thought pattern? Encouragement is one thing, but after a time it seems more like trying to control what one thinks. So, fire yourself from that job. It may be hard for you to see, but it really is pointless to keep this up.
Hasn't this very issue of you trying to change her viewpoint led to heated arguments? I think you need to be the one to shrugg off her negative statements about the MR. Let it go, and let her think however she wants. She's going to, anyway.
I think you're right. She'll even admit in her more lucid moments that she's probably allowing the bad times in our M to cloud her memory of the good times.
We haven't been having R talks this week. Maybe we did last weekend, I can't remember. She stills spends too much time in our room on FB in my opinion, but posting photographs is one of her creative outlets (she's a really good photographer), so if it keeps her happy (or at least sane), who am I to criticize? I could tell she was distracted last night, but I know better than to ask how she's feeling. We talked about a few non-R things, and she seemed to brighten up a bit. Seems to me like not having R talks is taking some pressure off of her.
Her rhetoric is more about feeling lost and disconnected, rather than having intense feelings towards anyone else. She says (and demonstrates) that she's largely past any anger she felt for me earlier in our sitch. I've been trying to walk the line between not trying to point out that things are better than they appear (I agree this isn't effective) and sounding glib or dismissive. She did start to talk on the phone yesterday about feeling anxious, for no particular reason, about our situation. My statements to her were along the lines of "this situation will not last forever", "we will figure things out", and "our relationship will be what it needs to be".
Quote:
Wonka once told me: "Be the OW to the OW." I thought that was a perfect way to look at it. I know that's easier for women than it is for men who are trying to re-attract their female spouses
.
Quote:
I agree. I haven't made this statement before, mainly b/c I don't how to explain it. However, I am going to say it now. I believe it is probably easier for the woman to reattract the man than for him to reattract her, b/c of the differences in their make-up.
No doubt about that. Even though my W has not been acting very attractively lately, she knows it wouldn't take a heck of a lot of effort to get my attention, though I don't tell her that. Me making that emotional connection with her, that's a little tougher.
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/26/1507:46 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
No doubt about that. Even though my W has not been acting very attractively lately, she knows it wouldn't take a heck of a lot of effort to get my attention, though don't tell her that. Me making that emotional connection with her, that's a little tougher.
I doubt she is concerned about attracting you back to her. She knows she's got that.
In fact, I have not heard of a case where the WAS was trying to attract their LBS. It has always been left to the LBS to take care of that dept. The WAS lost attraction for the LBS before their heart left the M. And how many newcomers (mostly men) talk about how they are drawn to their beautiful S?
Her feelings of lost and disconnected has a lot to do with the withdrawal depression she's experiencing. I think she wanted you to fix it, and when you couldn't you became a target for her frustration. It's hard to be a willing candidate to work on a MR when you have zero motivation and feel terrible. This is something she will have to work through herself. Is she on any anti-depressants?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is, and has been for a while. And that was one thing I remembered yesterday when she was talking about feeling anxious for no particular reason...her prescription had run out a few days before and she had forgotten to fill it.
The lost and disconnected feeling is very much a depression symptom. She talks about feeling disconnected not only from me, but from her friends.
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/26/1510:24 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Her doctor may have to try a different type. I even experienced panic attacks and had never had that sort of problem in the past. I thought I was losing it for sure. I would get where I couldn't breathe and wanted to take off running. It's scary.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's still down a bit, but not like she was. She wrenched a muscle or something in her torso so she's some pain. Nothing that painkillers and rest won't cure, though. She still spends most of her time lying in bed and posting on Facebook. Seems like there's one new physical pain after another. I'm sure her emotional stress is taking a physical toll as well. That and her obsessive exercise. She's always been pretty serious about her workouts, but more so during our sitch. Not really surprising. I don't think she's giving herself enough time to rest and heal. She tends to run herself into the ground with exercise. That's not new, she's always been that way. What good is it to have a nice body if you're in too much pain to do anything?
It's a strange dichotomy. I'm up. I feel the best I've felt in a long time. I have new drive at work, I'm exercising more (training for a marathon relay), I'm starting to build my side business. I have a direction for the first time in a really long time. I'm applying all this energy towards remaking life the way I want it. If there's anything good about my sitch, is that it finally got me off my butt. I'm incredulous at how complacent and lazy I got.
I try to share that with her, and she doesn't even hear it. That, or she gets resentful that I actually feel good about something. I ask her what she wants out of life. What are her goals and dreams? All she says is she wants to feel "connected" to someone. It's like she'll only feel complete if she has a fulfilling relationship.
That's not the strong, ambitious, independent woman I married. I'm not angry with her anymore, I feel sorry for her more than anything.
I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. I'm not pushing R talks; far from it. We haven't had one since last weekend. I'm just trying to figure out how to connect with her, to communicate with her in some way that's not just about our M.
For the time being I'll just sit back, do life the best way I can, and wait for her to want to talk. Be the best guy I can be, take the pressure off of her.
I'll try to take her out and do something this weekend, if she's feeling up to it.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
We've gone almost a whole week without a major R talk. We were both afraid that not talking was somehow sweeping things under the rug....but it's really taken down the stress level in our house.
The therapist was much more clear and direct today about how our constant discussions of our R and her A were probably making things more intense. She didn't talk about PEA today, but did talk about how her emotional connection to OM was actively blocking her from reconnecting with me.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
