Despite the fact that I have a completely new and good life and many years have passed, every now and then something pops up that reminds me of that day X left, and the subsequent pain.
Today I learned that X's mother is terminal. I had loved her and I am saddened and also rather amazed by this news; she is such a tough person.
It brought back a reminder of how they took OW and X out to dinner, leaving me behind alone with DD, and how sad and alone I felt then. I finally told her that I did not want to go to dinner with her and former FIL, the next night, because it was awkward and uncomfortable for me as I felt they were supporitng OW by taking her out to the nicest places around, and while I was sorry she was in that position, it was very uncomfortable for me. And with that, I never really spoke to MIL again (her choice). She was nice to me the last time I saw her, and seemed enthusiastic about DD going to visit, though.
That was 8 years ago.
I don't know if she would want to hear from me. I assumed not, as I do not contact her and she never contacted me, not even in regards to DD.
I did love them and losing them was another part of the pain.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
If you want to contact her, do. Family members are put in a very awkward position in cases like this. She may have felt that it was better to give you your space, or she may have felt embarrassed by her son's behavior but...blood is blood, you know? She's stuck with him.
If you want to reach out and honor the relationship you used to have with her, do it now, so you won't have regrets.
I do understand how you felt at that time 8 years go, because my MIL accepted the ow into her family w/no questions asked...however, relatives and friends are put into awkward positions when they sons and daughters flip and begin doing things that they least expected from them.
I want to share this with you because I think it will help you to pick up that phone and call her. It was a very odd day and something kept niggling at me back in March of 2004 to call my former MIL. She was in a nursing home and something just kept telling me to call her. I hadn't spoken to her since 1999. Well, I called her and she was very close to death's door. We talked for a bit and I told her that I forgave her for her part in welcoming the ow into the family and that I understood the position that she was put into. She was so happy that I called. Three days later, she died. Forward, I have never regretted calling her that last time and telling her that I forgave her. Today, I still have a mass said for her on March 14th in honor of her.
Forward, your former MIL is terminal. There is no way to determine when she will pass. It's better to put things in order and know that you put your best foot forward. I know you were hurt long ago, but it's time to put that hurt in a box and place it on a shelf. Eight years is a long time and by calling her, it shows that you are a good person who has a kind and forgiving heart. Please pick up the phone and call her. It just might brighten up her day and you'll feel better for doing so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know my FIL died about 1.5 years ago. We had a great relationship. I didnt see him while going through my D. I found out of his death when my daughter texted me the same day of his viewing. I didnt go to the viewing or funeral. I wonder if that was the right thing to do sometimes. Do what feels right. These are hard situations to be in for everyone.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Forward, I understand how you feel, I was close with my XFIL too. It is a tough position they are in, but sometimes they make it worse if they are enabling toward their kids. I think this is something you just really need to think over. If you think its the right thing to contact her, by all means do so, if you don't that's OK too. I hope everything is going well for you!!
Did you ever call XMIL? I hope you did, if that was in your heart and on your heart to call her, please call if its not too late.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
This was my last thread and I did not say thanks to folks for offering advice.
I did not call, and now I kind of wonder if I should have, but I did send a letter. In it, I just let her know that I missed her and wished her well and I signed it Love.
She passed several weeks ago. I did not send anything to my XFI to express regrets. Oddly, though it has now been several weeks since MIL passed, nobody has told DD!!! This upsets me and I do not like how her feelings are minimized and ignored. She was not able to go to funeral to say goodbye!
DD9 has been asking why we got divorced. She remembers OW and asks who she was. X has tried to tell her she was not a girlfriend. However, I tell her that it is OK, Daddy and I get along OK, and she does not need to worry about why we got divorced. She wants to know if we argued, etc.. She's not old enough to understand and I don't think she needs to be worried about it, so I just gently tell her that Daddy and I get along well enough to take care of her and always will take care of her.
I was in X and my old stomping grounds and would have a flicker of remembrance here and there. But I am making new memories now. I liked where we met and wanted to move back there with X someday. It took me a while to realize that I could still go to that area, which I love, as X and his family did not own it! So, maybe that area is still a place to consider for future.
H (New Guy) also spent time in that area and likes it. We are discussing how we might be able to retire early and go to that area for a while here and there. I love New Guy and our family has blended fairly quickly. However, blending families is very challenging. It is important to go into that sort of thing with your eyes open!
I feel as though I have been given a second act here and I do not take that lightly. I see how people get stuck. At the same time, I am not afraid to live alone and feel strongly that can be a second act too. (I actually liked living alone and was happy.)
Life is very full and busy and I have many hopes for the future.
I have been thinking that I would like to do a solo hike of some sort. My health hasn't been great and I have started to think about having some time alone. I think this is a factor of my age and health. I want to think about things.
I have a new job at better pay and closer to home, all of which will help me and our family. Since I had old job through the bad situations that occurred, I feel as though I shed my old skin and have a new start.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I am sorry to come here and read that your former MIL passed away. At least you sent a letter and hopefully she was still able to read it before she passed away.
Are you planning to sit down w/your daughter and tell her that her grandmother passed away or are you leaving that up to your xh?
Life has given you a second chance...whatever you do don't waste it...grab the brass ring and run w/it. A new man in your life, a new job and the possibility of returning to an area that you once enjoyed...enjoy all of those new situations that have come into your life. You've been given an opportunity to "shed the old you and become a new you".
Keep evolving...don't stop along the way and get stuck.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep evolving...don't stop along the way and get stuck.
Exactly. Keep on!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
