Damn...this day just went to s*** More spew, now she's demanding alimony because I screwed her over. WTF? Three days ago we were laughing and joking, things weren't OK but we were trying. Now I screwed her over, I took her love and threw it away, etc etc etc. I screwed her up for life. confused
She's acting like I did when I would get too angry with her, except I'm staying calm. I DONT GET IT!!!!
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
In fact, I recently used this on a relative to great effect. I forced myself to stay silent ....not try to fill in the dead air. Viola! My relative spoke up and unloaded some fears about certain things.
Piecing was harder for me than BD and S were. It absolutely cannot happen with another partner that's not pulling their weight equally
My H and I have been through some trying times during piecing and I backed off like you did. Went out and GAL and reminded him (and myself too) that I would be just fine without him.
We made the mistake of moving too quickly without really fixing what got us to BD in the first place so if there's any advice I can give its to look at what happened prior to BD. Nobody made her have OM but I'm sure there are things you both know can be done better. We know you are working on yourself, but is she? If she's not then she's not deserving of your love and attention. Until you can both decide you are both going to do whatever it takes to make this M work you should back off and GAL.
Thanks T, you're exactly right. I make no bones about the fact that I was not always the best husband. I made lots of mistakes that helped get us to this part. I'm perfectly ready to put the A mostly behind us so we can focus on our core issues.
She can't see a way to fall back in love with me so to her it's hopeless. To me she can fall back in love with me but it's buried under a lot of emotional crap that we both need to work through.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Thanks - I wouldn't be where I am today without the wealth of knowledge from a ton of great people on this board so I just hope my story and many mistakes can help others
Rzr- I think you should stop worrying about her falling or not falling in love with you. When you first start dating, is that a concern? Worrying about the person falling in love with you ASAP? I think if this were a R with someone new they would think you were a little cray cray if you were pressuring like that (not saying you are pressuring her, nor am I defending her). Just relax. Back off. Let her be. Let her stew. Actions speak louder than words. I talked and talked and my H was gone and let it go in one ear and out the other. I finally got my chit together one day (during piecing) and made arrangements for the boys. Got dressed up and went out with my girlfriends. Since that night things began changing for us. I changed and so did H. But the key there is that we both wanted to.
I had already been backing off, not arguing, not pressuring and the going out was the icing on the cake. He ended up driving an hour to come see me that night. Not saying one night fixes everything but let her go be miserable herself. You have to separate yourself and her unhappiness.
Once you back off it allows her to see that shes unhappy regardless and probably more so with you gone --- especially if you're happy upbeat and enjoying yourself.
This really isn't rocket science. I remember putting so much emphasis on every move and interaction I had with H. My pressure radiated from me. Let go of that -- who cares if she gets mad .. Just don't put yourself as an open target for her. Can you go home shower and clean up and make plans to take the kids out and do something fun? Or get dressed up and go out and meet some friends for drinks?
Hey W, I have plans tonight. I arranged for a sitter for the kids incase you have plans. Let me know what works for you. Thanks!
I'm not that worried about her falling in love with me again. I think it's entirely possible, IF she can work through the jungle of resentment and mistrust. She's the one who's panicking because she hasn't fallen back in love with me. I told her today that it's entirely possible for us to build a new marriage that we both want, but there's a lot of work that we both need to do to move past all the hurt and resentment from our old marriage. My stance has always been that we're not fighting to go back to our old marriage...nobody wants that. We have to build a new one. She's angry at me and blaming me because she can't seem to regain that connection to me...and it's my fault.
Backing off is why I'm considering a trial S. It may not need to go that far quite yet, but I'd like her to get a taste of what life is like in the house without me. We had plans to spend a family night tonight playing board games, but she's already nixed that idea...this panic she's been on all day was just out of nowhere...so I may take my Ds for sushi
Last edited by Rzrback; 03/19/1509:16 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
