Wife Still in MLC but now left #9

[juliegayle]

When I read your post I felt like I was channeling my mother- the queen of clichés- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, we are only given as much as we can handle. It always irked me when I was lamenting the "horrible hand" I was being dealt but you know what? She was right.

Even a year ago things like you mentioned would have me in a tailspin. I had lost control of my life and desperately needed to control the little stuff. Now my dryer isn't working right -oh well I have a hack for that till I have more money. Same thing with the starter on my car.

please don't think I am trivializing any of your challenges. I am not. But keep the important stuff at the forefront (you and kids ) and the rest will work itself out

...and the sun will come up tomorrow (haha)

[pbetra]

re: > has just been the hardest few years of my life <
Sounds like it.
Matt, remember your 'outlets' (where possible). It really is the only solution to counter these incidents & other ongoing misfortunes.
I do hope you > get a break soon & sometime to relax p.

[AJM]

Yeah Matt, once you get through it nothing will get to you anymore. Kind of like becoming a Navy SEAL - the whole purpose of the training is just that - so that whatever comes at you, you can say with confidence, "yeah, I got this." After a while, you almost look forward to it, because everything else is boring. But that's another story...

I had lost control of my life and desperately needed to control the little stuff

Yeah, that's how it starts right? When your life spirals and you're hit broadside, the first thing is to stop the "bleeding" and perhaps control every little thing you can.

Matt you're getting good advice. It feels like you are right at that point where, just around the corner, it'll click for you. Basically, either the stress will kill you or you'll figure it out and kill the stress.

Be well!

AJ

[pbetra]

Matt, just saying hi. i imagine you must be emotionally drained re: your last post about how you felt. LeT us know how you're doing.

[Matt165]

Hi everyone,
Well, things haven't slowed down, in fact it just keeps coming. D19 had a huge fight with her boyfriend who is acting like he's in MLC and has come to stay with me. STBXW's dad had surgery and before he went in gave her instructions on how to handle the IRS problems which for him was to question everything I've been doing and get her to treat me as the "cause" and file an "Innocent Spouse" that is full of lies and won't gain her anything but ruin all the work I've done to this point. Now the woman from the IRS who was happy to work with me has totally stopped. They hate when the parties fight with each other and any good will I had gained with this person has ended. So now the whole thing just got that much more complicated and less likely to get lowered. All she had to do was wait another couple weeks and it would be over but no, dad made sure it will be longer and drawn out and have no chance at coming to a settlement. Lovely.

D15 is going to IC and doing OK. She has become close with a couple other girls who are ex-cutters and has been doing more social stuff. When her father went to have surgery W gave me no notice and just texted me that D15 had to be at school early Monday. I texted back "So, she's staying with me?" and she said she was going to be with her dad out of town. She didn't ask, didn't say "sorry for the short notice" just told me what was going to happen. The first night she got there I get a call (while my D19 was trying to reach me because of her big fight with boyfriend and was in tears) from W saying why hadn't I done this or that about the taxes. I told her I was doing all I could and she started spewing. Then, today I was trying to reach the woman at the tax office and I get a call text from W saying to stop trying to call her as she filed "Innocent Spouse", not from the woman from the IRS but from W! Now, I just have to wonder what she told this woman, the lies she spews at me I can see her spewing at this woman who up until now was very willing to work with me and seemed sympathetic and willing to help. Great. Of course she doesn't know my W is deep in MLC and will lie and believe her own lies.

At work my boss is on the war-path because the people that have worked there longer than me haven't been doing as well as he thinks they should and he know expects me to basically do as well as (actually better than) people who have worked there for more than a year and I am only just now starting my third month. I now have both my D's to feed and take care of and at the same time I can't afford to pay for what I have now!

I spoke with my lawyer about my D15 cutting herself and he says that is an "emergency" and qualifies as something that I can go to court over if I feel my W is making matters worse. At the same time W is pushing me to sign the final paperwork so she can end the M as her father has told her that he wants it to happen before he dies! I just got the paperwork Friday and haven't even had time to go over it as I've been working on the IRS stuff. At this point I'm not sure I want to sign this agreement since it gives her as much control over D15 as I. Turns out that D15 started cutting in response to how her mother was acting and the only reason she didn't kill herself was because she knew how much it would hurt me. The first time she cut herself was when she was staying with her mom and W's father started yelling at her about being "nicer" to her mother and wouldn't leave her alone and all her mother did was agree with him! She felt so betrayed by her mother she locked herself in her room and was ready to explode. Que the start of her cutting.

W has told D19 that she can't "afford" to help her even though she was kicked out of her apartment and has to quit her job because she has no way to get there (no car) and W has to "Take care of myself and your sister alone with no help". This woman makes $80,000 a year. I did her expense report for the tax stuff and after inflated numbers to try and keep the amount down has more than $3500 left over every month after all her expenses are paid. My numbers? I make $850 LESS than the lowest allowable living expenses according to the IRS...and that's not including the added expense because my older D is living with me again! Yes, the selfishness of the MLCer rears it's ugly head once again. What W doesn't seem to understand is how the way she is acting is affecting her kids. Nor would she care if she did. That darn empathy chip being fried I guess.

So, here I am. Trying to comfort my D19. At least I know what to tell her as she had been doing all the stuff us LBS's always seem to do without knowing it isn't the right thing to do. Like beg, tell him she will "change", she loves him, etc. At least I can tell her how that won't work as I have some experience with that. D19 said tonight she just doesn't understand what is wrong with everyone in the world. Her mom, her grandfather, now her boyfriend are all acting so "insane". Well, I know how she feels but like I told her, she can only control herself and how she reacts. She can't control how anyone else thinks or chooses to act. All it will get her to try is more pain and misery.

All this but you know what? I will be alright. The worst that can happen with the IRS is they believe W's lies and make me pay even though we never would have owed a penny if she had just filled out her W-4 right. So what. I can't control what happens and it's only money. I've been able to live on nothing this long, I will find a way to handle that outcome if it's what ends up happening. I do know one thing for certain. The W I knew and loved is good and truly dead. If what is happening to her D's isn't enough to get her to see that her actions are having hurtful consequences nothing will. She, like her father before her, will live out the rest of her life as the victim. Never understanding that the things she is throwing away like her family and the respect of her kids are the very things that could have brought her peace and an end to her "misery". Her father will be gone soon and then where will she be? She has alienated even her own mother and D's so who will she have then? So sad, too bad but this was her choice and she will have to live with the consequences down the road. In the mean time I may not be able to help with money but my D's both know I will always be there for them and we will always be a family. I'd rather have that then all the money in the world!

[JellyB]

Matt! I love reading posts from dedicated dads! Thank you for what your do for your girls. It means so much JBx

[Wonka]

Matt,

I'm so sorry that the hits keep coming at you from all directions.

I have dealt with IRS for business reasons. You need a representative to assist you through this process. How this works is that you request an Advocate to represent you. Please look into this for your own protection.

As for W making more $$ than you, I'd go for palimony. You cannot be a weakling here anymore. Time to bare your teeth and GO after what you are entitled to after 20+years of marriage. Surely your L can do this. Not sure if I like your L at all.

[Matt165]

Hey Jelly and Wonka,
Well, I now have to watch my D19 deal with the same MLC type stuff from her boyfriend as I have dealt with from her mother. He is acting exactly like an MLCer! He is saying the same things, acting the same way. She was up crying until 3:00 AM saying she just wants to go home, wants her old life back. How can this person who she loved and loved her just change their mind in a heartbeat. How can they just not care. Of course he is a spoiled rich kid who hasn't had a job ever in his life. My D19 texted an old boyfriend and when he found out he went crazy. She didn't even say anything bad, just "How have you been" and "I miss you sometimes". Nothing about wanting to see him, or a word about her R with her boyfriend.

Over that he made her leave their apartment, made it impossible for her to get to her job because he "Needs some space" and "alone time" to get over her "betrayal". I have told her that this is about him and his insecurity, not about her. She told him how sorry she was about it, that it meant nothing. He then started with the now all familiar spew, how she has been "mean" to him, how he wanted her to "love" him not "need" him. He actually told her because she was crying after he told her she had to leave the apartment in 24 hours, that was her "last strike" because she couldn't "control herself"! He's lucky that I am as far away from him as I am because I would probably kick his sorry butt if I heard him say something like that to her! It hurt so bad to hear her crying that she just wants her old life back. She was happy just a week ago and it just feel apart in a day. Haven't we all been there!

Now her mother found out about it and of course is acting and saying all the wrong ways and things. Right now both my D's are at their mothers as today is Mother's Day and I took D19 to stay there yesterday. D19 didn't want to go to her mom's but she did and it's probably a good thing. She hates the way her mother acts. Hates what she did to her family and how she just doesn't care about anything but herself and her father. She said that she doesn't think her mother cares about her and I told her I'm sure that her mother loves her, no matter what it seems like. That she can come back here whenever she wants. She texted earlier today and said that she wants to stay until Monday or Tuesday which is fine by me. I hope that her mother and her can at least get along.

I found out that my A/C (which one can't really live without here in TX in the summer) will need $900 in repairs. My STBXW gave me a bill for the braces D15 just got off and expects me to pay half. I still can't get the IRS lady to call me back. My boss is still being totally ridiculous because the people who have worked there so much longer than me aren't doing better and he expects me to do MORE sales than they have been doing in my third month.

My W ruined me financially when she left when she did. Is trying to get out of paying her share of the IRS problems and if she had filled out her W-4 right we wouldn't even have a problem so is now trying to ruin any chance I have of getting my financial future in order as well. Caused my D15 so much pain that she started cutting herself and left before we had a chance to help D19 with at least getting a car so she could get to a job and get to school. If W had waited just a few months we could have done that for her and she wouldn't be in the spot she is now. No empathy, total selfishness. What a way to live your life! She stopped acting like a mother. She leaves her D15 alone every night knowing that she is feeling so bad she is harming herself.

Friday I got a text from her saying that when I pick up my D15 after school and she's not there, I'm not allowed to go in her house. I have to wait outside until she's ready! She said she just doesn't feel "comfortable" with me being there. I guess it doesn't matter that it's supposed to be her D15's home as well and is just making things worse. I asked her what she thinks I do. She said nothing, she just doesn't like it! This from the woman who came to my home after she moved out and outright stole things that didn't belong to her!

My STBXW isn't getting any better. She hasn't slowed down even though she should now see that her idea that D doesn't hurt teenage kids was a load of crap. No, she isn't going to stop acting like the spoiled little brat she's been acting like no matter what it does to her kids. When I asked what if D15 isn't ready when I come to pick her up, she said that I should "punish her" because she shouldn't make me wait for her. Oh, there's the answer. Punish a kid who is having such a hard time dealing with her life already she is self-harming, just because her mom is "uncomfortable" that her H of 21 years is there, not alone, but with her D15 in her own home.

I want this IRS stuff to just be over so I don't have any ties to STBXW left other than the girls. I want nothing to do with her. She is an awful person who doesn't care about anyone or anything except herself. I really don't think she is capable of doing the work on herself she needs to do to get out of her MLC nor do I think she will ever even try. She would rather blame me and her M for "making" her unhappy and will never stop running away from her real problems. I just don't see her ever dealing with her problems. I really think she will stay stuck forever in her MLC world.

All I can do I am doing. I WILL be there for my D's no matter how hard STBXW makes things. I will find a way to help myself and my girls and just have to understand that their mother isn't going to help and will in fact try and sabotage me when possible. Just a few short years ago I never thought it possible that I would be where I am today. I never knew about MLC and the destruction it can cause. One day I will have dug myself out of this hole and I will be able to relax just a bit. Until then, I must keep fighting, keep pushing forward. It's the only thing I can do!

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

I know right now it seems impossible to believe, things will start to fall in place and improve. I am only speaking from my own recent experience. Keep being the best father you can be for your daughters. Keep encouraging them to have a relationship with their mother. Keep taking care of yourself and moving forward. Things may seem dark now, that you can handle no more. Just keep in mind there is light at the end of the tunnel.

When things were at their darkest last year for me I never thought it would improve. Like you, I kept fighting, pushing forward, being there for my daughters. Things slowly improved. One year later I have a job again. My daughters still have their issues, but come to me for help and advice. I am divorced. The final thing was on the one year anniversary of my exw suicide attempt. She apologized for all the drama she caused. She acknowledge that this has had an affect on the kids that she did not expect. That things did not turn out as she planned and hoped. That she is not happy right now.

We had our first real conversation about what happened and about us. She is now acknowledging things that I do and saying thank you. Baby steps are happening in terms of communicating and being on good terms. Things I never thought would happen again are.

So keep your head up. Stay positive. Keep fighting for your daughters and yourself. Life has a way of throwing curve balls to test you. Unexpectedly things will change.

[Wonka]

Matt,

You are the CREATOR of your own experiences...W notwithstanding. If the job isn't paying you well, I'd dust off the resume and get it ready for the next one. I've left jobs that do not meet my criteria and have nabbed better ones.

Now, listen up....you better get yourself centered FAST. Because the chit will definitely hit the fan in all directions when your FIL passes away. The way I am looking at this sitch is that your W is playing a role for her father by being this "good girl" to him and doing whatever he tells her.

When he's gone, then what? Exactly. I am telling you it won't be pretty at all. Not saying that you need to rescue your W when that happens. But more concerned for your daughters.

Actions you take today will most assuredly affect your future with your daughters. If I were you, I'd start looking for a better paying job with a steady income. You are pushing 50 and need to think about your financial future (as well as your daughters).

Believe me when I say this: I am not trying to add pressure to you. Just tellin' it straight here so you can make concrete plans for yourself.

Heck, I think you can do W's job and do it 10x better.

Eh...what do you say?