Yes, STBX will pay a small amount of spousal support, diminishing over a small number of years. Kids will feel the pain of that, no way around it. The ONE thing important to D12, access to her friends, will not happen. Because of him and his choices.
I will still be me. We will grow our garden, read our books, watch our movies, go on our adventures, and spend time with our friends. Those things actually don't cost that much.
And none of what he decrees stops me from furthering my new career, growing my local network, or participating in my church. Those things will still happen.
Some things that I value -- resourcefulness, frugality, simplicity -- will be enforced.
I will be ok. The kids will be ok. That's all that matters.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
BOOM! That right there is why you have such a following.
You know what else? The kids will see how a strong woman deals with adversity. I'm not going to pretend for a moment "this is all for the best". NO. I am NOT.
What I will say though is you are making lemonade from those lemons. Because bad things will happen to your children as they grow. They too will be betrayed, disappointed, or face unfair circumstances. And they will have a role model to lead them through. They'll say to themselves "What would my mom do right now, I know she could handle this..." And, if you're lucky, you'll have a good enough relationship with them they'll call you to ask!
While everything about the fallout of D is beyond horrible, you didn't decide that and you can't protect your children or your family for that. I'm not celebrating the pain your family is in, I am just applauding how you stand by your beliefs as opposed to using this as an excuse to remain in a negative mindset. TRULY INSPIRING MAYBELL.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I wonder, Maybell, if being a strong, confident woman who knows her value will allow your daughter to end up with someone who will value and respect her.
For me, if this had to a happen in order to break the pattern of unhealthy women in my family, it will be a blessing. And getting to be the one that breaks that pattern? That's kind of awesome.
You are an amazing mom and woman. Thanks for being such an inspiration.
I give you kudos for trying your DARNEST to roll with the punches and still come out smelling like a newly bloomed rose. Ya, at the end, you'll be a fully bloomed rose in all of its glory. Not quite there yet, my friend.
Originally Posted By: Maybell
The ONE thing important to D12, access to her friends, will not happen. Because of him and his choices.
As opposed to your sons? Why single out your D12 in this equation? I mean...doesn't STBXH's choices affect ALL of the children, right? I am not understanding this quite clearly. Care to elaborate?
No, the settlement is not final, and now that I've had some time to calm down and think I know what I'm going to do about this.
Claire, I am worried to death about the long-term impact this ALL is going to have on my kids. I'm doing my best to model strong, ethical, kind behavior. It's taken a ton of introspection and effort but I can't do more than that.
Wonka, D12 is part of a super tight-knit group of really good girls who all live within a couple of blocks of our current house. She's semi-free-range in that she has access to her best friends without relying on cars or parent coordination. The boys' circle of friends is a little different and they are a lot younger so they haven't gotten to the stage of independence that she has. I'm trying to preserve her access to this circle of friends. The liberty she enjoys is something STBX and I agreed was important for all our kids; it's partially possible by the fact that the kids and I know so many of the families in the neighborhood and that gives me a lot of peace of mind.
The four of us have discussed this at length and the boys said they would be comfortable with leaving the neighborhood if necessary, particularly if it meant they could be in a great new house. D12 cried at the thought. She'd rather live in a shack close to her friends than a nice house away from them. She's that age. I get it.
There are other, practical considerations that make it desirable that I be able to stay nearby, and I'm hoping that they will sway STBX when I present my counter next week. I don't know if I'll get everything I want but I have a plan and I think I have a shot, at least.
One of the things that was so upsetting yesterday was that the way the alimony portion was written it was like he was checking the box of "I acknowledge that under the law I have some obligation here" and completely demeaning me personally. He also added a clause intended to control my personal life that I found insulting.
Today I've got my head around the truth that I am valueless to him. That I have been valueless to him for a LONG time. I release myself from that and I'm looking forward. No point in crying over what never was.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I wonder, Maybell, if being a strong, confident woman who knows her value will allow your daughter to end up with someone who will value and respect her.
For me, if this had to a happen in order to break the pattern of unhealthy women in my family, it will be a blessing. And getting to be the one that breaks that pattern? That's kind of awesome.
You are an amazing mom and woman. Thanks for being such an inspiration.
BOOM! (imagine fireworks)
MB you moved right through this storm ((( )))
A caution, don't predetermine how this will affect your children because unless you'll be penniless, you don't really know. When we make up a story about the future, that's often the outcome we get.
As Claire said so beautifully above and as I like to say, not all gifts are wrapped in pretty paper with a big bow on top.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes, STBX will pay a small amount of spousal support, diminishing over a small number of years. Kids will feel the pain of that, no way around it. The ONE thing important to D12, access to her friends, will not happen. Because of him and his choices.
I will still be me. We will grow our garden, read our books, watch our movies, go on our adventures, and spend time with our friends. Those things actually don't cost that much.
And none of what he decrees stops me from furthering my new career, growing my local network, or participating in my church. Those things will still happen.
Some things that I value -- resourcefulness, frugality, simplicity -- will be enforced.
I will be ok. The kids will be ok. That's all that matters.
This is beautiful.
Now to brass tacks-is this the final, there's no counter?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
One of the things that was so upsetting yesterday was that the way the alimony portion was written it was like he was checking the box of "I acknowledge that under the law I have some obligation here" and completely demeaning me personally. He also added a clause intended to control my personal life that I found insulting.
Well tell him to stuff his personal life clause.
Again- does he have lawyers advising him? Because they do tend to word things in a way that is painful but is intended to potentially sway a judge should it come to that. From the day of BD, STBX has totally deferred to me on childcare - I have a lengthy string of texts and emails where he says "whatever you want" and "I will defer to you", and we always kept to the same schedule anyway - so imagine my surprise to get the divorce papers and see this written in the child custody portion "visitiation is currently dictated at the whim of the mother. Petitioner is seeking a 50/50 parenting arrangement in order to provide the children with much needed consistency".
I'm not going to tell you it ins't personal- because it reaches into the most personal parts of our lives. But, there does seem to be a script that these things follow.
Have you talked with your lawyer yet? I don't know all the options in your state - but this sure seems to me like an early step - so don't give up all those dreams yet, ok?
Ya, at the end, you'll be a fully bloomed rose in all of its glory. Not quite there yet, my friend.