Please can I have advice? My story is similar to everyone elses, but here goes: We have been married for 16yrs, we have a child who is now nearly 12. 10yrs ago we moved to the other side of the world. Everything was going great. In January this year my husband injured his shoulder, he was in real pain, but is the type who wouldn’t go to the doctors. Eventually he did and stated on painkillers, having xrays etc. He was miserable and angry most of the time. Our sex life went to nothing as I couldn’t even touch him without him being in pain.He eventually had treatment which ended the pain, but he was still very miserable and angry, so I asked him what was going on. He said he was in a dark place at the moment, had no direction and wasn’t happy. I asked if I could do anyhting to help but he said no, it was something he had to sort out himself. Since January we have only had sex once, on my initiation and I could tell that he really didn’t want to. He was still miserable and went on until April, him saying he didn’t know what he wanted but that I wasn’t to worry, he just had to sort himself out. He then started to be permanently attached to his mobile phone, never letting it leave his side. Something he has never done. I asked him if he was having an affair, he said No. He said it was because our son used it to play games and he had racked up a large bill. We had our wedding anniversay on the Thursday, he sent flowers as he was away. On the Sunday, our son went to a friends for the night so I sat down and asked him what the problems were, he said he didn’t know. He eventually said, we don’t socialise anymoreand you aren’t happy. I told him I didn’t like being unable to make things right re his injury and that made me unhappy, as to socalising I couldn’t disagree, but as he works shifts and only gets one in four weekends free, we don’t. Not that is any real justification. I kept asking him what was really wrong until he said those words… I don’t love you like I used to, you are more like a mother to me. I was devastated. I cried and cried, I asked him if he wanted me to move out, he said no, I asked him if he wanted to move out, again he said no. I asked him what he wanted he said he just doesn’t know, he doesn’t even know if he wants to work things out. He refuses to go to a counsellor, either together or on his own. He refuses to talk to any of his friends as he says its none of their business. He still kisses me goodbye or hello when he comes home from work. If I ask he will hug me. If we meet up with anyone, it is like we are the same happy couple, so in front of people, it doesn’t matter who, he puts on a happy family face. We are really careful in front of our child. So like everyone else I trawled the internet and found this site. I have devoured all the advice and information and it has helped me no end. I have had a counselling session but it wanst that good. I think he is going through MLC. I decided to shape up, stop crying and pretend things don’t worry me, but they do. Can anyone tell me answers to the following please? 1. Do I keep saying I love you, even though over the past couple of days he has stopped saying it to me. 2. What if he wants sex, do I agree 3. Should I try to initiate sex 4. Should I tell him to move out for a while 5. Should I try to cuddle him while we are alone 6. Should I show affection whilst we are with people so he cant refuse without looking bad Thank you all in anticipation
Hi Seaside. I am so sorry you are here, but, you have landed among some special people.
Cadet will be by soon with some important reading for you to do.
I am going to get some business out of the way before we talk about your situation.
You are on moderation so your posts wont happen in real time for a little while. Post often and post to others - that helps you get off moderation more quickly. Stick to one thread until it reaches 100 posts. Try to separate it into paragraphs as it makes it easier for us to read. The more info you give us, the better we can help.
Ok, know that you will get through this. Dbing will seem like the opposite of what you think you should do.
If your h is in crisis, this is going to be a long haul. This isnt for the faint of heart so you need to take care of yourself. Eat, rest, exercise.
It is important that you h feels as if he is being heard. So, you need to hear that he doesnt know if he wants to be married. Doesnt mean its true. Doesnt mean he will always feel that way. But he does now so you need to act as if you heard it.
Give him a lot of space. Be positive and upbeat around him. Do not pursue him. Again, because you need to act as if you heard him. Pursuing him in any way will just make him angry.
Do not say you love him. Do not initiate sex, cuddling, etc. That is pursuing. Do not ask him to move out unless that is what you want. Do not offer to move out. He wants out, he needs to figure it out.
He needs to see you moving forward. You need to move forward for you.
You have to GAL (get a life) and do things that you always wanted to do.
Do not have relationship talks with him. Do not tell him about this place. It is for you.
Look at the things he tells you that he was unhappy with. Figure out which ones are true, throw the rest away.
Start to work on changing those things for you. If you do it for him, he will see right through it.
Most people have a crisis due to something that was unresolved in childhood. Then a life situation triggers it..like an accident, a death, a job loss. A lot of MLCers lack coping skills.
I know this is so hard, sweetie. But you can do this. We can help.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Fake it if you have to...DO NOT PURSUE! Very important. I know u have a lot of questions but he doesn't know the answers to mist of them himself so does no good to ask. As for guarding the phone.....well sounds like he may be hiding something. Listen to yourself on this, u know him best. And Please don't let him make u feel like ur crazy or paranoid about noticing this. Make him miss you, be upbeat but do not pursue.
Hi Seaside, so sorry that you find yourself here, but so glad you have as you will get great support and advise from everyone.
I am still new to this, so I am better at the support/morale bit than advice, but will say to you read all of the links that cadet has posted for you, they are full of really good information. My other tip is to read as many threads as possible, you will find that some stories resonate with you, read them from the beginning to see how far they have come - there are lots of us here, different stages and situations.
Hi Seaside, I wish I could offer advice at this point but I can offer moral support and lend an ear. Read all that Cadet has given you and the books of course. Midlife Crisis is very different and you'll come to understand that it is hard to explain to others who have not had first hand experience.
Take care of yourself first. Try to rest and eat well. Be kind to yourself and know you have support here.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi Seaside, everyone here helps - directly or indirectly. It is hard bu tit really does get better with time. you received great advice above, follow it. Take care
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
