Heather, One of the things that concerns me is that you go on ADs and then you take yourself off of them. You need to see a professional and get the proper meds and stay on them, and, if and when, you are better, the medical professional will determine what is the best course of action to weaning you off of them. Going on and going off of them is messing up your system.
Yes, in the past you've avoided doing things until an issue arises and you can't avoid it any longer. This really throws you because then you get anxious and go into over drive. I know it's a learned behavior and one that is difficult to change, but you can do it. Make a list of what you need to do at home, w/your child and you already have your list for work. Check off the items each night and you'll soon see that the lists will go down.
Perfection? No one is perfect and that's why God made erasers. The two people who lived in a perfect world messed up w/the apple and now we have to learn the hard way and through our mistakes. Learn to accept that you are not perfect, i.e., none of us. I do where you are coming from trying harder and harder, but you'll just make more mistakes doing this on the hamster wheel trying to catch perfection.
You can have a different life's story, but you have to "learn" new behaviors in order to get there. Many of the "learned" behaviors of your past still feel comfortable to you and you fall back on them. It's time to change one learned behavior from your past at a time. You have to find a way to feel confident and strong and know that the world will not break in two if you make a mistake. Accept the mistake, learn to laugh at your mistakes and move on. The hardest part is learning that the world is not perfect.
What Wonka posted is excellent. Print it off and refer back to it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, I Don't think I've posted on your thread but I have been following your story for a while. You are a strong, passionate, courageous person. I am so impressed with all you have accomplished and overcome.
As I read your last few posts, I decided to jump in because the way you describe yourself, your mondset, and your drive for perfection /fear of failure/ need to start over and get it right this time strikes me as what Carol Dweck calls a "fixed mindset". People with this mindset tend to believe that their intelligence, or skill is fixed-- it is what it is. So if they always believe they were "smart", failing at something shatters that belief.
On the other hand, a "growth mindset" means that, with effort, we can get better at anything. That failure is a necessary step on the road to inprovement, and that there is no "perfect." Not only is it OK to mess up, it is necessary to grow.
I think you'd find her books interesting, and it might help you change some of your thought patterns about yourself and help you release some anxiety. If you check it out, let me know what you think! Best, Claire
As much as I liked that therapist last week. I think what I really need is something more akin to an organizational coach. She was very invested in digging into my childhood. I've been there over and over.
What I really need is some solution-based ways/support to handle all that's on my plate without this continual, daily, build-up of tension where I am running like a fiend trying to find some relief through avoidance.
The company is releasing its rather strong grip on me to see how I will manage. I don't want to screw this up.
Hi Lois,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You mentioned that you are looking for solution based ways/support to handle all that is on your plate. DBing is all about being solution focused!
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Claire, I'm so glad you stopped by! Start you're own thread. You sound like someone with a lot to offer the boards.
Job,
About the meds. 15 years ago, I was put on AD for chronic depression and severe PMS. I went to a specialist at the Cleve. Clinic who told me I'd have to remain on the medication for the duration of my life. I did go off this spring because of overwhelm with finding a doc and no insurance. I was off the meds for 4 months, but I'm not stopping and starting at random. I have enough to get me through until I can get a physical.
I met with an organizational coach last week. He gave me a free consult. He said something which led me to seek out a book on Asperger's.
Despite all I've read for my daughter's sake, I've never understood how Asperger's impacts executive functioning. I never understood executive functioning until now.
For anyone interested, the book was written by Valerie L. Gaus, PhD. She quite brilliantly explained the why and the how my brain gets stopped up. I've been on the right track. I'm going to need to create a team around me to help me over the bumps in managing D12 and daily life.
Self-employment with my writing would be the best fit, but I will need some support to help me manage the bill-paying and structure. This isn't about willing myself to do better or adjusting my routine.
As hard as that is to admit, the reality is I have something deeper going on and I need to surround myself with people who "get" that. The good news... I have challenges which I can manage with some help. Some people are in far worse situations.
I think I have finally found the piece to the puzzle which will allow me to forgive myself for the years of underearning and difficulties with money and the difficulties managing motherhood... I.E. all the things Matt blamed me for.
I see how I get muddled with too much information and stress. I'm a bit scared because when I read the information in black and white... and after having the therapy session a few weeks ago where I laid out the years of struggles on the table... well, it's a bit frightening to see these repeating patterns in my life.
Sadly, many people with Asperger's are underemployed or unemployed. That scares me for myself and my daughter. And, I feel very alone.
HOWEVER. I also saw how I've developed abilities over the years in areas where I used to struggle. And, I know myself. And, I'm smart. Scared, but smart.
I'm determined to figure out how to carve out a successful life with these challenges in order to help my daughter do the same.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You are a very bright woman who has a lot going on. I am not familiar with Asperger's and how that affects things but I am certain you will figure out how to handle these challenges and good on you for taking steps towards that.
There is a saying 'Success is not measured by the heights one attains, but by the obstacles one overcomes in its attainment'. One of those feel good/motivational phrases but it has always struck a chord with me.
In particular it made me re-think what a successful life would look like for me and how I defined success.
I only say this because in your earlier posts you comment on the fact you nearly burnt yourself out and have a habit of taking too much on.
So when you say carving out a successful life what does that look like to you?
Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate your thoughts and feedback.
I had a great day yesterday. D12 and I laughed in a way we haven't in a very long time.
Had my second meeting with the organizational coach. I now have a coach and therapist. Both are affordable and can travel with me wherever I go. If I need to take a break because of money, I can and I can restart... I found what I needed.
The coach is amazing. He broke down the areas where I need to focus into 5 categories. At first, the list was overwhelming-- long and incredibly discouraging. He was really encouraging, though that I didn't come any of these struggles in a vacuum.
I've learned so much about myself in the past few months. I think I've found the path to forgive myself for things I've hated about myself about since I was a child.
-I'm too introverted. -I'm too weird. -I'm terrible with money. -I'm lazy, crazy, stupid. -I'm weak.
B.S. ALLLL B.S.
If you learn how to do great things in a small place, you will be able to do great things in a great place. An acorn may look like a nut, but inside is everything necessary to become a great oak tree.
For anyone out there feeling like a misfit and tired of disappointment... For anyone who has a spouse reminding them of their defects and feeling the burden of past mistakes and struggles... get quiet. Listen to that voice deep within you pushing you on.
God will never leave you feeling discouraged or hating yourself. God "gets" whatever your particular crazy may be.
If you hear negative chatter in your head, that's not God. That good feeling you get, that peaceful feeling, that "AHA!" THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON! or THAT'S WHY I do THIS or I do THAT! That's God. Trust that feeling
Don't trust the negative. Listen to the positive. Listen to the calm.
Work on your level. Master that. Then, move up a level. That's my plan.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/16/1512:39 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm still playing tennis--mainly just hitting the ball against a wall on a tennis court because D12 isn't as into it as I am.
Anyway, I'm getting better and able to hit the ball harder. I was able to get rid of some anger yesterday.
It actually was the first time I felt able to focus, whack the ball in anger and release it. I felt so much better after.
In the past, there was so much anger that I would almost feel overwhelmed at the idea of releasing it... like if I allowed that can of worms to open, I'd get swallowed up.
I'm still getting some playful texts from Matt. I'm not sure what to do with them. He sent another $75 to my account above his child support payments to help with D12's concert tickets. He said it was for her birthday, but that's not until Aug. 31.
On the one hand, I think of all the people on the boards who post how they regret not opening themselves up more when the MLC-er softened. Still, I know he has a mountain to climb and I don't see him making any real effort to ascend.
I think I need to plainly tell him my boundaries. I'm not available for friendship without any action. IDK. I need to pray on this one.
I know that I've finally reached the point where I'm squarely in the "I'm OK" zone. I know I will be ok without him. I know I'm able to let him go without anger or regret. I've said all there is to say.
I remember hearing in Al-Anon how you will know when you are done. I think I've reached that point where I have some clear lines of demarcation which I will not cross. And, I know I'm able to walk away. Took 3.5 years to get here.
Sent out about 10 resumes. My aunt happens to know a bunch of people in Asheville and she is talking me up. I was even able to send my resume directly to the owner of the Biltmore. Nice :-)
Still can't wrap my head around the details behind the move... doesn't make any sense to me how this could work financially and otherwise... but, I'm trusting God.
God seems to really enjoy creating impossible situations and, then, paving the way (with action) to make the impossible... possible.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/19/1501:27 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather - just an observation, but your tendency in interaction with Matt is to 'tell' him things.
Sometimes we do have to state things plainly, but until he crosses a line that matters, maybe a real 180 would be to go with the flow.
I am the opposite - I have tended not to state my boundaries, but hope that xh would get it. Now I state them, and this time he is respecting them. Long may it last.
But I think you still hope for a more reconciled relationship with your husband?
I must say when I have opened myself up more to my xh he has slammed my head against a wall - just sayin' They don't always want to play nice! Only you can judge that.
Thank you Bea. I always love hearing from you. :-)
And, yes, that's my M.O.-- to "tell" him stuff. Still do, but not as much as before. I think it's driven by fear. A fear of being left... but, I've already been left. I don't know, just digging a little.
The latest: HE says he doesn't know if he wants a D. Still no real action.
My senses tell me he is very unhappy and weary and unsure about what to do, if anything. IDK.
I DO feel as if he isn't my problem to fix anymore. That's something of a relief. But, I still care.
Confused in Almost Canada.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I wouldn't share too much of what you are doing w/your life w/him. Now, it's a different story when it comes to your daughters.
Of course he doesn't know whether he wants a divorce or not. It's going to cost him more money to move forward. So, what does he want you to do? Stay married to him and he live w/the twinkle twat until he gets old and sitting in a rocking chair in front of the nursing home? Is staying married to you a way to ensure that he has an excuse so that he can't marry her?
If he were unhappy about the situation, he would be doing something about it. He's gotten himself into a mess and quite frankly, he's hoping you'll help him figure things out. It's time for him to grow up, face the consequences of his actions and do the hard, necessary work to earn your trust, as well as your respect. I don't see that happening any time soon...but then again, I may be wrong.
After all that he has done, does he honestly think that by being chatty and friendly w/you, that you'll just drop everything, sweep all of it under the rug and possibly welcome him home with open arms?
I hope that if, and I do mean if, he wakes up and wants to reconcile, that you will stand firm and allow him to do the necessary work to earn your trust. He won't do that if you open the door completely and sweep stuff under the rug.
He is not your problem to fix. I do understand caring for him, but again, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
