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Impending lock on thread. Thanks for the heads-up Cadet

Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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For continuity, from Starsky:



I can't tell you what to do, NH -- none of us can. But those two things ALONE would be a dealbreaker for me. For most of us, I would imagine.

You're worth more than all of this. Much more. I pray you can see that one day soon.

Last edited by NH115; 06/30/15 07:11 PM.

Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Thanks, Starsky. I see it but she manages to stop me cold. I don't know why I still fall for it. It's just like I have this mental block there

Last edited by NH115; 06/30/15 08:28 PM.

Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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NH .. just read up on the tail end of your sitch a little bit. Seen Wonka suggested my thread .. and yeah you are right .. its a touch massive but I think I see where you are ... a little different but some things I can relate to and maybe tell you what I did and see if you can somehow use that to get across this bridge you have come up to at the moment. Keep in mind I have not followed all your sitch so like everything here, we take what we can and use what we feel would apply to our own situation.

From your last therad:

Originally Posted By: NH115
Self esteem is a huge issue. A big part of her spew is this idea that she's too old to meet anyone else, that the best part of her life has passed her by, that she's been cursed with an unhealthy romantic life...the first two men she slept with ended up being gay, the wall between us for 12 of our 20 years, her married OM.

As I read .. might be a bit of MLC going on here ... 43 is not old but I see my W with the same struggle just heard "OMG I'll be 50 in 7 years when did THIS happen??" She has that panic that she missed out, and the anger is directed at you for you did not meet the 'expectations' she had dreamed up when she was a little girl thinking about the fairytale marriage ... none of us lived up to this I assure you.

Originally Posted By: NH115

I made mistakes with her, my parents have this inexplicable animosity towards her, her OM decided to stick with his own wife of 16 years instead of upending it all for her...and she somehow thinks it's about her worth. She never used to be like this. One of the things I loved about her was that she was her own person and nobody's victim.

Again ... my W's OM "Wants nothing to do with me" ... leaves them hanging ... in a way no closure, she did not end the A because she wanted her M, and as you said .. in a snap of the finger she would run back to OM.
I recently read it takes 100 days for the brain to be without stimuli from an addiction to not have that craving ... thats a long time .. I do think you need to place some serious boundaries here and now before you can go forward. Talking NC, full transparency ... something for you to think about here as in these moments I do line myself with Starsky and his approach.

Originally Posted By: NH115

I knew she was still stuck on OM, but I also saw signs that the fog was lifting. She intellectually knows that he's bad news. She knows that she could never fully trust him because of his history of infidelity (she was OW #3), but she's angry because her feelings haven't followed. Despite all that, if he called her tomorrow, told her he was leaving his wife and wanted her, she'd be gone, even though she knows what a piece of work he is. She admitted to me the other night that on his last visit he had asked her out for drinks the next time he's in town (which is probably September). She didn't say yes, but she hasn't said no yet either. This was after three other visits where no deep conversation took place. Mind games. Why do I put up with this crap?

Yeah ... all that ^^^^ not acceptable. You are still #2, your M is not a priority.
Its good you are grounded enough to realize she will have a mourning period ... but these little touch base type events ... ummmm, no. My W at the end of the A wanted/needed closure too, this came in the form of her and OMW talking, She talked to me about this, my approach was if she felt the need to let OMW know all and leave it at that .. fine, but this would be the last contact of any sort with OM/OMW knowing I wanted her to focus on the M ... not OM as your W is doing.

Originally Posted By: NH115

There was a semi-positive thing to come out of the meltdown this weekend. She finally decided to unfriend him on Facebook and get him out of her phone. The catch is that she doesn't want to do it until she has a chance to talk to him face to face, get some questions answered, and tell him to go away for good. If her marriage is the priority she says it is, then why does she need any questions answered? Remove him from her devices, shoot him a "don't call me" message, and be done with it.

We're in MC, we have a lot to talk about in session tomorrow.


I would really push for a NC letter, I would also calmly ask W what she really needs answered? The A was wrong, at one point I told my W ... if that is the life you truly want, the door is there ... go.

Something else that has helped me and I think it might be what Wonka was alluding to was my approach with W. I explained to her some of the issues in the M that brought us to where we were, resulting in the A was the fact I was not clear in stating my needs. Making sure she understood a difference between needs and wants. Certain things I NEED out of my spouse, even mentioned she might not be able to meet these needs and that was ok, after going through all this I know what I need and spilled it out very plainly.

Seems your W is still playing a bit ... but I agree with Starsky, at this point you can not piece nor MC if OM is still in the picture. She does not respect you enough right now to see that .... otherwise there would have been a "hell no, I am committed to working on the M and attempting to repair the damage I have done" to the proposed meeting for drinks. You need to stand up here, W may throw a fit and pout .. thats fine, but deep within her she will begin to respect you standing up for yourself and not falling for her mind games.

I realize my Thread is a long one, I have come a long way here .. if there is anything I can help you with, advice or whatever shoot me a line over on mine and I can come in and tell you what I did in certain spots.
OM has been done and out of the picture for a bit over 3 months ... that 100 day thing is spot on, as much as she 'loved' him if he called her tonight I know she would tell dude to pound sand, then tell me exactly what happened.

At some point your W has to realize what she did, be remorseful and do everything she can to work on your M .... the no answer to drinks is as good as a yes from where I would stand and I would tell my W how I felt right there.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thanks CaliGuy, I've been on the road a lot this week, but I'll try and dig into your thread further.

Maybe I'm too close to the situation, but she's such a moving target. I agree that the drinks thing (if it happens) is unacceptable. I've drawn that line many times; she's the kind of person that will dig in her heels and do the opposite if she feels controlled.

On our second trip to San Antonio this weekend, we were miraculously child-free so we had some time to talk. The R talk itself was mostly productive and calm. She's decided that she's "broken" because she can't feel about me like she should; so she's focusing solely on herself and getting healthy, essentially "back-burnering" both me and OM.

On one hand I applaud her decision; our relationship can't be healthy unless we're both healthy. She's carrying around a lot of anger and mixed-up emotions, and she needs to sort them out. The good news is that our MC suggested that she start some IC. That's a fantastic idea IMHO, and my W is enthusiastic.

On the other hand, I don't know what back-burnering me really means. I'm willing to give her time to get things sorted out, but shouldn't we also be working on our relationship as well? I can see a period of us both focusing on our own healing as just another way to build walls between us. Of course, after last weekend it seems like the walls are still plenty high.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Because of all the anger she's carrying, she's going to start IC soon. Our MC also has her writing an anger letter to me. She can write whatever she wants, no holds barred. It's not a letter I'll ever read. The idea is that she can start getting some of her anger out of her system, without pummeling me. She's writing it and it's bubbling up in a big way at me anyway. I was warned that would happen, so it is what it is.

Now she's starting to try and get promises out of me about financial settlements if we split. Her rhetoric is that she wants to be able to make clear decisions about staying with me or not without worrying about finances. I personally believe she's given up and is just trying to get some reassurances before she drops the bomb. She says that's not the case, but I don't believe her.

I value what she's contributed to our family and I'm willing to be fair about it...I don't want to get into petty games that only make the lawyers rich, but there's a limit. I'm no Rockefeller.

Part of me thinks this is spew; she does this when she gets angry and panicky, but I don't know. It feels different. She's stopped talking about her general fears of not being happy and started getting into the nuts and bolts of D.

What makes me mad the most is that she's trying to hold me responsible for her choosing a non-marketable major (before she met me) and working part-time all these years....like if I had been a better husband then her dream of marrying and never having to actually support herself would have panned out. I don't understand that because she's ever been lazy.

She's also angry at me because she'll have to work full time and it'll interfere with her ability to meet someone. Welcome to the real world, sweetheart. Every adult who dates has to work around their day job. She can date on her own time like the rest of humanity. The entitlement mentality coming out of her is staggering. I called her out on that BS.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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How do you know when it's hopeless?


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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NH115,

I hope you are feeling more fearless now and calling her out on her BS statements by throwing out some truth darts. No more walking on egg shells and reclaim your spot as a H. Tell her that you are not willing to be #2 in the marriage and you have needs.

I would pull out the Cali needs speech to W. I believe I've posted it somewhere in your threads (probably most recent one).

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I'm having a bad day, not sure why.

By those standards I actually had a pretty good night. I made it clear (if she was truly listening) that I was done playing second fiddle. If she wanted to do life without me, she knew where the door was. I managed to hit with some truth darts yesterday (I can tell when I do because it's the only time she doesn't have an immediate reply). When she started in with some of her predictable script I told her I was sick of her victim whining. She didn't up and walk out.

We have MC this afternoon and she is supposed to start IC soon. I don't know why this morning has been so hard. I'll go find that Cali speech.


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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Found robx's excellent post on detaching. Reading and re-reading it about 100 times.

I allowed myself to get complacent when things allegedly warmed up. Never again. Need to get back on the horse


Ex Rzrback
Me 43 Her 44
D11, D15
T21, M19
BD 9/9/2014
Piecing

Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood

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