This is my first time posting on the message boards and I am in need of some serious guidance.
A little over 6 weeks ago I found out that my W was talking with OM. She had gone to this guys house to "prove to him that she wasn't ignoring him" and she stated that they just talked. Later on I found out that he had kissed her, but she said that she didn't kiss him back. Obviously I went through all the emotions one could expect and decided to look at where our marriage went wrong and start to rebuild it.
From there, I asked her to change her number, have an STD test, and cut off all communication with this OM. She agreed and we moved on. As the weeks progressed she asked for space and began to tell me she wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't sure if she could ever feel anything for me again. Our biggest issue had been our sex life/intimacy. We always fought about it for one reason or another and it led to a lot of frustration for both of us. She has admitted to this being the main reason she has checked out and I understand why. However, I want to work on rebuilding the connection, but she keeps pushing further away.
I recently bought the Divorce Remedy book and have read through most of it. I understand that I need to stop pursuing and work on myself if we are to have any hope. I have read a ton of these forums, but struggle with knowing how to approach my unique situation.
The situation is that I found out my W still seeing this OM and going to his house on a fairly regular basis. She would be there until about 3am some nights and continue to say that it was platonic and they were just friends...someone she could talk to about everything. I don't believe it, but she continues to stand firm that nothing has happened. Regardless, I want to work on our marriage, but can't get any commitment from her. So I am at a stage now where I am focused on being the best me and stop pursuing her. My struggle is setting the correct boundaries for both of us (one's that don't make her feel like I am smothering or controlling her) and help increase the odd's of her wanting to work this marriage out.
I am fearful that if I give her full space, she will continue to go out and see this guy (even though she says she cut off all ties), but if I set the wrong boundaries, she will push further away and continue to feel like the marriage isn't worth saving. I know that I need to be assertive (haven't been before) and confident with what I need if we are to try and rebuild, but want to ensure I am on the right path.
Any suggestions or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Mike, do you two have any children? How long have you been married? Consider creating an autosignature that contains your pertinent details (see mine as an example) -- it will help others reply to you with on-point advice.
Let me ask you two key questions before I respond more fully to you:
1. Have you TOLD your wife that "I will not live in an open marriage" (I'm talking since she re-established contact with OM) . . . does she know this is a core deal-breaker for you?
2. Does she know that you know? (that she's back in contact)
I would urge you to proceed under the assumption that this IS a full-blown physical affair at this point, as it's highly likely.
I'm sorry you're here . . . as someone who went thru this myself, 8 years ago, I know how intensely painful and difficult it is.
I have 2 children who are currently 6 and 4. We have been married for a little over 5 years.
I haven't told my wife that "I will not live in an open marriage" probably because she hasn't admitted to anything. However, this is something I will definitely do to set a clear ground rule. She told me the other day that she has broken all contact with him which I don't believe.
She knows that I know that the contact continued after she changed her number and said she wouldn't see him again. At the time she stated that "he was nobody" and she was just focused on herself.
To add a little more detail to my original post, our sex life became "maintenance" (her words). I do agree that it was very poor and I have owned a lot of that. I do understand where I went wrong and caused her to feel this way. We now are in the "last resort" stage. She is sleeping in a separate room, barely communicating, and no sexual contact whatsoever. No hugs, kisses, or touching. I believe the entire place she is at is due to the sex/intimacy, but because of how important this is, I don't know if I can get her to ever come around and try again. Especially if there is someone else fulfilling that need. Like I said before, I own my piece of this and am doing everything I can do to get the right support in resolving my issues.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
What is the right move for me at this stage to try and head down a path of rebuilding and having her be open to try? How do you get someone to agree to try if its sex that has driven them away. That's so intimate and I'm afraid the damage is done.
This is where I am stuck.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
What about additional boundaries? For example, she keeps saying "she needs space" and "need's to figure it out", but hasn't done that by going out. She still has no idea what she wants. Again, it's probably because she is seeing someone. Should I tell her that she can have her space, but needs to be at home? Or maybe go out one day a week? I know this isn't going to stop her from doing whatever she wants to do and finding other times to see the OM (if this indeed happening).
Since I want to try and save our marriage, I know that if she is seeing someone, that needs to stop for there to ever be a chance. I will stop pursuing, but just want to understand if there is any other rules I should set to help increase the odds of her wanting to work on it and reduce the chance of her seeing him or at least start being honest.
Me-29 W-29 M 5 years (2010) Kids S-6 S-5 W Ring Off: 9/28/15 Filed: 10/12/15
It is a quandary, but the way to rebuild intimacy is to first rebuild ATTRACTION. The challenge is, a key part of rebuilding attraction is the re-establishment of RESPECT, and a woman won't respect a man who knows she's cheating and he isn't calling her on it.
It's a fine needle to thread.
What were the consequences -- if any -- to her continuing to have (she claimed) non-intimate contact with this man? That was probably a huge test for you, and I suspect she's thinking "Sphew -- Mike didn't do anything about that, other than seem upset."
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
