Sandy, CWOL, Sotto, and V, Thanks for your replies. I have not been back for some time - only dropping in very briefly, not sure what to say. I have been out of touch with the DB community. Sorry for this and for not keeping track of what my fellow DBer's are doing. I have been absorbed in other aspects of my life including my children, and my work, some GAL. I am still doing some GAL stuff, but I could definitely do better. I don't feel like I am in a very good place right now.
I am still in the midst of in-house separation. As I mentioned, about 6 weeks ago W expressed willingness to go back to the negotiating table. I was optimistic until we had our conferences with our Ls present. I don't feel we have made any progress towards D and I am still in purgatory. W is still trying to devalue the house as much as possible so she can buy me out, essentially for free. She paid her Ls bill with our home equity loan, lowering the equity in the house. She has produced a fraudulent mortgage that she alleges I signed and notarized, saying that I owe her Father tens of thousands of dollars. She had an appraiser appraise the house at tens of thousands of dollars less than my appraiser. W still has no interest in working because she maintains that summer child care costs would be more than any salary she would make. She is asking for alimony and child support that is approximately equal to my take-home pay. She wants a new minivan because she feels the van is in poor condition.
I would be willing to compromise, but giving in to her demands would leave me with no money for me. I need some money to provide a nice home for my children while they are with me.
OM had his L call my L and accuse me of stalking him. Luckily so far nothing has come of this. But I get a sense that he is trying to entrap me. He pulled up next to me on the highway a few weeks ago.
I just don't see a solution to this impass. I am unhappy. I am seeing a new therapist, but they all seem the same to me. I still don't see an end in sight and I am getting despondent over this. I am trying to stay above water by remembering all the things for which I am grateful, but I just don't have the enthusiasm right now and even this is not cheering me up as it had in the past. I just had a birthday and it was spent at a friends house watching the basketball game. Lame. A lot of people have voiced support for me. Some have even intimated that they have potential dates for me (for after the D, of course), but I feel so lonely. I have no intimacy in my life. Friends are absorbed in their own life. Even though they offer to help, when it comes down to it, nobody really does all that much. They are not obligated to, I know.
I know I can control my feelings and if I am feeling this way it is because I am somehow feeding into it. I know there are people who would kill to have my problems and that I should not whine, but just work on myself instead.
I hate in-house separation. My L repeatedly has counselled me to remain in the house.
not really rising above it right now, am I? If I could step outside myself right now, I would give myself a swift kick in the arse and tell myself to snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I should change my handle to WhineyOne.
RAI
P.S. The above was a rant. It was me baring my raw emotions. Take it for what it is worth.
Yes it has been some time since we have connected. I still come by and keep an eye on those who have loved and supported me and those I hold, well I guess hold a little piece of her my heart and soul.
What you write above must feel like such a burden RAI. It is not right that your wife uses legal loopholes and dishonesty. And when something is not right, then action must be taken. There are times for passive resistance and working a plan and there are times when firm clear and decisive action needs to be taken.
When do you lovely RAI get to say ENOUGH! .
I am likely speaking out of turn, or maybe not, but I believe there is nothing in DBing that says roll over and let your wayward wife and life kick you your arse. I have heard too many DBers say, if only I had of....once they were out of the quagmire of the in house separation...you are not going to be a survivor of this awful experience RAI, but a THRIVER. But it starts here, it starts NOW!
Time to refortify my friend!!! If you ever need me...I'm on MWD facebook page, look for the hobbit and Zelda New. We all needs friends who understand this journey.
Its time to Rise Above It, but this time Rise like a Phoenix from the ashes my friend, fly high proud and strong. You got this!!
I don't think I have ever posted on your threads before. I lurk....a lot!
Reading your update made me furious!!!! I can not stand women who think they are entitled like your wife. They think a man (you) should pay for their every need and want. I think she should be held accountable for her dishonesty and fraud.....and yes some of the things she has done are against the law.
It is so frustrating watching good people get the short end of the stick. Keep rising above!!! It is the only thing to do. Eventually, it could be years, karma will come around and kick her in the a**. In the meantime, find the Hobbit. It is so great to have a support system that can totally relate to what you are going through.
((hugs))
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
HEY RAI! Thanks for stopping by my thread. Sorry to see you're still living in separation hell. I have some thoughts but have to get going now, will get back later to post.
Take care of yourself. Losty
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Just skimmed through some of your posts. I'm really sorry you are still dealing with this. Coming here and venting does not mean you are not rising above it. As humans we can only take so much.
I don't see (maybe I missed it) what you want at this point, in regard to saving your marriage. Regardless I don't think your actions have to change. The most important thing you need to do is take care of yourself (kids is a given but you can only do that if you're taking care of you.) Don't do or say anything to your W that you will regret, be the person you want to be. That does not mean giving in or doing things you don't want to, simply in your interactions be cordial (as cordial as you can given the circumstances).
I hope you have a good lawyer, let them handle all the other bs. I don't know what the laws are in your state but I can't imagine she can get what she's asking for. In most states it's not whether the S has a job but if they are capable of working, DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER DEMANDS (my brother did and was left with little just because he wanted it over) let a judge decide if it comes to that. The criminal stuff is a whole different level, don't let her get away with that!
What makes you (independently) happy? Unfortunately we can't depend on friends, they want to help but everybody is living their own lives and it is easier said than done. Find things you can do on your own, with your kids or make new friends that don't know anything about your W or sitch.
You have been strong for a long time, I know you have it in you to keep Rising ABOVE IT!
((())) losty!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Hang in there. My STBX is a SAHM also and is trying to take all she can. I made it through the emotional turmoil so can you my friend! Stand tall and proud! Be the rock for your kids and you will make it through this tough time. Lots of things will come at you that don't make sense. Not worth trying to figure them out, they are what they are. Deal with one thing at a time and you will survive!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
This thread is slowly coming to an end. Here is a briefing from the quagmire.
V| I know the fraudulent form is a felony. It is proving that it is fraudulent that will be the challenge. I asked my L, and after two months she is finally asking for the original so we can examine it. We have yet to see it. I am losing faith in my L - not sure what took her so long to ask for it. I am getting a sense that I am just not a priority. It is good to be back on these forums again. I forget how therapeutic it can be - when it is not acting as a huge time sink.
JellyB| You are right. I have not been taking firm an decisive action. I have been plagued by fear and the false perception that I am doing something wrong. I have not drawn any boundaries to protect myself. I have been pretty passive this whole time. I am plagued by doubts. I am not the RAI I want to be after the D. I just want to say ENOUGH. I am just not sure how. P.S. How do you get on the MWD facebook page anonymously?
Di-mond| Entitled. So very entitled. She has no job. She has no income. She is spending very irresponsibly. She has an advanced degree, yet she is doing everything in her power to avoid getting a job, because it could lower her alimony. pathetic. She rationalizes that the children take up too much time. But they are in school and camp. time will tell whether they will produce the original (fraudulent) document.
Losty| Thanks for stopping by. You are right. I am taking so much. I seem to have gotten used to my current sitch. It is the only thing I have known for years. I think my kids have as well. Our household is surreal right now. unhealthy, and surreal.
WRT what I want, I have no desire to save the marriage. Only a desire to terminate it ASAP, and move on. The lack of intimacy is wearing on me. I could never trust her again. As hard as it has been to detach, I am getting more and more comfortable with the notion of never seeing her again (outside of incidental childcare contact). She has hurt me so badly and behaved so callously, that I question whether she even has a soul at this point. She seems to have justified every terrible thing she has done. She lies whenever she opens her mouth. She has tried to manipulate my emotions. I am not going to play hurt or play the victim, but her actions have been very wicked. She has made choices all along. She cannot blame anyone else for her choices. She has chosen poorly at every chance. As I told her bluntly: she never misses and opportunity to miss an opportunity.
WRT the L, I am not sure. I am losing confidence in her. I retained her 2 years ago, and I am not seeing progress. Worse, I feel like I have been maligned by opposing counsel, with nary a whisper in response. My W is very capable of working, but she wants to be imputed to minimum mage. Entitled. The only word for it.
WRT friends, they put together a birthday party for me recently. It was ok. Somewhat poorly attended, but nice of them to do anyway. If they knew how much I am craving socialization right now, I think more would have come. I like watching movies. I like going to the gym. I like running. I tried golf the other day. It could grow on me. I am just so busy at work.
In terms of socialization, have you tried joining a running club or multisport group?? Those types of people seem to be unbelievable social from what I have found. I encountered them by accident through the yoga classes but I was in a similar state and it worked out quite well. One of the best moves I made during this ordeal I would say.
Hang in there and get a new lawyer who will fight for you.
