I really am in a good place. A place I never thought I would get to. But I have one thing that lingers over my head to get exactly where I want to be.
Everything is what it is with ex. I am at peace with it. he is who he is, our M was what it was and he did what he did. He's the kind of father he choses to be. it's just who he is. I accept it, I am not angry with anything anymore. We only communicate when necessary, yet are friendly and fine around each other for D8's stuff.
With ex come his W. They are indeed a package deal. And I am at a place I never thought I would be with her. No animosity, friendly conversation, accepting of her as my daughter's stepmother and an important adult figure in her life. She treats her well and that's what counts.
I know she will also be a part of our lives forever. even if they did divorce, she will be a part of D8's life forever. If ex didn't facilitate it, I actually would, if D8 wasn't old enough.
But there is still one thing hanging over my head to being that really really good place with her. I feel the urge for closure and perhaps even an apology. Or just an explanation. Why she did this. What went through her head as she dated a pregnant woman's wife. Part of me just needs to know the story. That she is sorry for it. Because even though she is good to my daughter, I just have a hard time viewing a person who do such a thing as a great role model or adult. Maybe if I had an understanding of what she was going through at the time and what she was thinking, I could finally put it to rest.
As you can see, I am at a place I am just ready to put everything behind me. But it's my one last roadblock. I'm going to talk about this with my IC. But you guys have known the ins and outs from the beginning. Any feedback if it would be the most awful thing to approach her in a friendly manner or how to just get past this would help.
As my therapist once told me, "you seem to think everyone is in touch with why they do things. In my experience, people just do things and when they repeat the same pattern later they are stunned at getting the same results" Maybe we just have to accept that "sh1t happens". That makes us feel very vulnerable though 'cuz we want to make sense of everything so that we can prevent it from happening again...and you're just starting a new relationship so I'm not surprised these thoughts are coming up. Maybe rather than wondering why she did what she did, it might be more constructive to look at your role in what happened...'cuz that you can change. I'm not blaming you for the end of your relationship but we each played a role in what happened in our marriages and it's a blessing to figure out what that was and think about what we can do better. OW is a dirtbag and you'll never know why she would do what she did. It just ain't in the cards!
Sweetie.... Why is it OW that you are seeking an apology from? She didn't break wedding vows...your EX did. HE'S the one that owes you the apology.
OW probably believed whatever BS your ex told her at the time.....the marriage was over, you got pregnant to trap him, you weren't having sex, you were crazy, whatever. She believed it because she wanted to, and the joke is on her: now she's stuck in a marriage with your ex!!!!!
I don't think it's the apology I am really seeking. It's like this quest to find out she isn't some horrible person. That it isn't something she would do out of maliciousness. And to me, being sorry for what she has done isn't about apologizing to ME. It's more about her being the kind of person who knows what she did is wrong. That she isn't an uncaring ass like my ex who doesn't care who she hurts to get what she wants. I already accepted that's who my ex is. I hope she is the better half, honestly.
Because I've been trying to rationalize all these years those reasons. "The marriage is over" well, no one's marriage is over while their wife is pregnant with their baby they conceived the way we did. I couldn't believe that as much as I wanted. She knows I didn't get pregnant to trap him, as we couldn't get pregnant with out the most sophisticated medical technology. I mean, I desperately to rationalize for her just to make her into a decent human being. Because it is a decent human being I want in my daughter's life.
I may just have to live without it, you are right. I just wish she would kind of woman-up and come to me. maybe we could have not just a civil relationship, but a good one.
This may not be helpful but for me it helps to recognize that we are all broken people (look at every character in the Bible...besides Jesus!) and we do the best we have with the pieces we've got. On the whole, I don't think people are malicious and trying to be hurtful...they're just messed up. Maybe they plugged into each others needy places (and that's not a sexual reference btw). Who really knows.Again, that's the scary part...you can't control what anyone else will do. I thought my marriage was forever, nothing could ever separate us but I was wrong. She did what she did for her own reasons. I can now only look back and ask what could I have done differently and how do I put my pieces back together.
Just wondering - what answer could she possibly give that would satisfy? Do you think she's gonna come right out and admit "Yeah, I just wanted him and I didn't give a damn that you were pregnant?". Because, let's face it, whatever lies he told her in the beginning, there was definitely some point at which she had to realize some of the truth.
If she gives you a BS answer, are you going to be able to maintain your current hard-won equanimity with her? Will it benefit your daughter if you start to rage against creepy OW? Do you have any power to change things if it turns out she's a total creep who doesn't have the decency to say "yeah, my bad"?
My advice is I wouldn't approach her for resolution or answers because the answer is that she probably wasn't thinking much except about herself and being self-centered and her own gratification, and anyone one that would date a married man with a pregnant wife is not a great role model. Nice that she is treating your daughter decently at least...something good about her at least.
I did read your answers and take them into consideration.
Ellie, you are exactly right. I think it was just a process of trying to get everything "perfect" and I felt like I needed ot be friends with her, and as accepting as all these other former wives and husbands as I keep seeing in social media. But they weren't circumstances like ours. I would need a little something from her to be close, but I also realize, I don't need to be close. Our R is fine right where it is.
Disney was great, and I love that I got to meet barb and Ryan. We had a ball, D8 loved her immediately as did I. DB has brought me some wonderful friends. It even brought me a wonderful man indirectly. Maybe a taste of fate, who knows?
Things are good and busy. Back to the grind. But it wonderful getting to the be the "Disney Mom" for once!
