Thanks az. I will try and give her the opportunity to chase. I will hold off on any talk as long as I can. I often think that she isn't going to come around until after D. But, we will give this a shot!
Last edited by dday; 11/13/1503:11 PM.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I often think that she isn't going to come around until after D.
Stop.
Focusing.
On.
This.
She isnt going to come around until you dont care if she comes around. I KNOW it sounds bizarre and counterintuitive. But as long as you are holding the rope, she can feel it.
What azz just said right there is spot on. When I was in this mess two years ago right around christmas I was in the same boat as you. I still remember the christmas talk when my W said I guess you can get D in the afternoon for a little while. I got up, walked out and did not talk to her in any way for a week. I had truly dropped the rope for the first time. My W obviously sensed this. Christmas day I was back in the house and we have been together ever since.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
That's why I struggle. Is being her friend the first step to rebuilding? It seems like I have read it both ways on here
Why don't you google chemical attraction, and then maybe you will see things more clearly.
I won't say friendship never turns into love and a couple get married, but I strongly agree about chemical attraction.
Quote:
I agree. It is also part of being M.
Yes, but are you filling the position of being her H? I thought she fired you and replaced you with OM. If she's still contacting OM, then you should not act like you are M to her. You are separated, yet you continue being the nice-guy type with her.
Read about the push-pull under chemical attraction.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree. It is also part of being M. That's why I struggle. Is being her friend the first step to rebuilding? It seems like I have read it both ways on here
Hey dd, this IS confusing, until you add the phrase 'once the dust settles' or 'until she fully commits to the MR'.
Your wife wanting to be friends is not a commitment worth a can of beans. She has not fully committed to you with Actions yet, has she?
I am one of the biggest proponents (well maybe one of the more outspokenews ones anyway) of rebuilding friendship and being vulnerable and all of that...it will not work for you until your wife respects you and your marriage again.
You are just meeting one of her needs for security and xompanionship. That Is not a husband. That is someone that can be replaced tomorrow if her whim calls for it. Until you say, uh-uh I am not going to be her platonic buddy while she figures out how to leave or pines for her next om, than this cake eating Bullshit will continue.
Does that.make sense. Read Sandi's words as if they were cannon, because they are so powerful that it is crazy howany of us ignore what she says for those own reasons.
Sending you strength to find your manhood in this!
From experience, 2 start the rebuilding or a new R. They are called H & W. With all the steps needed as this forum explains.
When there are 3 there is no rebuilding. You are on the sideline, the sub waiting to be called in. Not part of the team. The OM at the moment is the striker or the quaterback (depending on the sport) in your W eyes. You are the waterboy. The fact you get called in may for you seem important but your role is minor.
If you are happy to sit there and watch the OM be the centre of attraction of your W then roll on. Only dont kid yourself.
At least give yourself that self respect to know where you really stand in her eyes and your role in her life at present.
Once you see this clearly, the questions we then sometimes ask about should I do this or do that become clearer. Once you understand your role you will drop the rope, detach from her and more than get a life. Live a life.
if you accomplish this you may find that along the way you meet up again with your W or not. There is no guarantee, which is why you have to walk away and not around.
If she wises up, she will then be the searching from you and if you have done the previous correctly you will from a different perspective decide if you truly want her back or not and what type of relationship you do want if you get back.
I have read on many posts about guys wanting to be friends with W that have an OM. Seriously?. The woman you once made love to, told your secrets, and shared your life with now is doing that with someone else.
Why would you want to be her friend? Why would you want to give up the centre stage in her eyes to someone else and now be happy she has allowed you to be the waterboy? How is that respectful and attractive to your W? How long do you think you can stand on the sidelines watching your W be happy with someone else before you realize what a pathetic life you have made out for yourself hoping that one day she may want you back. She wont.
On the other hand, if you walk away, she will notice your loss. Once again there is no guarantee she will come looking but you dont have that guarantee anyway by the sideline. The only difference is you are in the meantime enjoying life, learning about yourself and who knows, even if your XW does not come back you would have accepted it, become a stronger person and maybe end up being someone else�s game plan.
In short, being friends when there are 3 does not work.
Thanks for all the input sandi, zep, max. But, there is no OM, and never has been. At S, W was very rebellious, disrespectful, etc. That is why I considered her WW. Sorry if I misrepresented anything.
Now, W is trying to be accommodating and polite and friendly. Talks about her work and family now. Has sat with me at kid things and talked and laughed. Started asking for favors. Paid a bill that was supposed to be half mine. Seems more like the old her, except we aren't together. Filed on 9/1, seperation agreement 9/22 and since then not a word from her or her L about D. No court date. No talk of selling anything off anymore. No talk of me getting anything else out of the house. W hasn't told the kids that she wants this to be permanent. W wants me to go to s6 bday party. W says that she has been wanting to call my sis (haven't spoken in months).
Ok, now with that in mind, and no OM, what advice is out there for me?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
That's what I said all along too dday... Then I started hearing little birdies chirp. I kept it to myself until there was concrete things that XF could not deny. A video online... I'm not trying to be Debbie downer but I never thought she would eirher
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
