Hello I have decided that I wanted to start posting here again I have been reading many threads and I think I am starting to understand the divorce busting principals. The last few months we have settled into a routine and I thought things were starting to mellow, we have been doing things as a family but there has been no intamacy, however she has not looked for anyone else and she tells me she has no intention of dating as has been let down by me and does not want to get in another bad relationship.
So where am right now is she has told me that she loves me and cares about me but because of years of resentment that has built she does not want to live with me and does not want to be married to me any longer. She says I make her feel unhappy and she is not in love with me any longer. Over the years she has been used to doing things on her own (I guess when I was at work for long hours she got used to spending time on her own) and when I came home and then did not do my share arround the house and with our children this has left her feeling empty and resentful. She says that she will always love me I am her children's father and we were together for over 15 years but loving me is not enough and she wants to live in separate homes as she then cannot have resentment about what I do and do not do arround the house and with the children. So I have tried doing more around the house and with our children but She says still not enough does anyone have any suggestions
Doing more around the house and with your children are both good things, but it's not going to change anything with regards to your marriage. There's a high probability that someone else has your wife's heart so you've got your work cut out for you.
Bull$hit is what I smell. Don't post a lot these days, but like NDY, change a few minor things, and hey presto! you've got the same situation.
She wants you out of the way because she thinks she's got a better choice. If that's imaginary or not, that's immaterial, but she obviously thinks that being without you is preferential to being with you. That's her problem. The sadness and unhappiness stuff is also their problem. As long as you haven't been a complete and utter tw@t to her, it's unlikely that most of the stuff she's telling you is truth - it's all to help them deal with their own anger and they try and project that on to you because it's easier than accepting the blame for their own misfortune.
So, she complains that you work too much etc. How was she expecting to eat? Food doesn't get dumped at your door by Tesco and, as you know, living in the UK ain't cheap.
So, the important thing, that everybody has told you, is to look after yourself and prepare for the tsunami of nonsense that is going to come your way. Sorry to say, but you're only just in to this. Good luck.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hello I have decided that I wanted to start posting here again I have been reading many threads and I think I am starting to understand the divorce busting principals.
Hello Concept,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
In a previous post you mentioned that you had DR and were reading it. Have you read it recently? It seems like not much has changed since your last series of posts so I'm wondering what you are specifically understanding about the DB principles.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thank you for getting back to me so quickly I really do believe that there is nobody else that has her heart at least not yet she is always arround during the evenings ok she might Facebook but she has not met up with anyone I know believe nothing of what they say but she really does not go out with anyone
So she wants out of the marriage because for years and years she has built up resentment with me not doing my share and this has pushed her over the edge I know you say believe nothing to what she says she says she still loves me not in love because of the resentment and is not wanting to be in a relationship full stop not with me or with anyone else and I do believe her.
I just cannot get to grips that so much resentment has festered for so long and she wants out had enough does not notice me doing more does not care ...just wants to live apart from me in separate houses and both co parent from different houses. Her ideal would be both keep living in the same town in different streets the children come and go
She says she does not love me in the way I want her to not in love with me
Hi well during the last year I have been detaching as much as I could I pretty much left my W to do what she wanted to do I gave her as much space as I could I tried to do more with our children we co parented. We got along but nothing was talked about everything was brushed under the carpet We sleep in separate rooms and there is no intamacy between us I have been more hands on with our children . I do read lots of posts here and I can honestly say that the reason my marriage broke down and failed was because in my wife's mind I did not do enough for her and for our children and at time I did let her down this is true I have been out this evening with my W and we ended up having a very long conversation and it ultimately comes down to a build up of resentment and she does not feel she can trust me ever again so will not work on repairing anything she now wants to live in separate houses does not believe she can ever trust men again. She said the only two men in her life have both let her down her father and then me and she sees living in separate houses as the way she might end up happy again, she said that if she does not end up happy then she is in no worse position then she is right now as right now she is not happy living with me any longer.
So I am here trying to face that we will live apart we have had the house valued and soon we will be instructing an estate agent. She wants half the value of the house and we each share the children's care with neither of us paying any maintaince to each other. Her view is our children should not suffer and if I am in a stronger financial position then I would still support our children by provding money to her and if I was in a worse financial position then she would give me money for our children. I do know my W and she is not money grabbing never has been even just the mention of this caused her to break down cry and say is this really how little you know me. For her it is not about the money and I know you will say it will be but she never has been and I really do not believe she would change.
So my W has lost her trust in me says she loves me cares for me not In Love with me she is emotionally very very upset has lost all trust in me in men she is broken. From how I could tell she was feeling when we talked she will not be prepaired to work on repairing our marriage and the sad truth is I did let her down perhaps not to the extent that she feels that I did perhaps in her mind having been let down as a child and now let down by me. How can I even begin to start to repair this I feel shattered that she feels the way she does I really did not see that things had been so bad
This feels an impossible situation to repair as she does not want to repair or work on this I am the closest person to her and she will vent her anger at me or the children. Why did I not see how our marriage was crumbling. Impossible to fix do not know where to start
can honestly say that the reason my marriage broke down and failed was because in my wife's mind I did not do enough for her and for our children and at time I did let her down this is true I have been out this evening with my W and we ended up having a very long conversation and it ultimately comes down to a build up of resentment and she does not feel she can trust me ever again so will not work on repairing anything she now wants to live in separate houses does not believe she can ever trust men again. She said the only two men in her life have both let her down her father and then me and she sees living in separate houses as the way she might end up happy again, she said that if she does not end up happy then she is in no worse position then she is right now as right
You did not do enough for her and the children. Did she give you specifics of what wasn't enough, and had she ever discussed this in past times...... or is that all she said? How in the world does 'you did not do enough' tie into not trusting you, or any man....ever again? There has to be more to it, or else she is feeding you a bunch of b.s.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok I will try and be as open and as transparent as I can be and you may then understand my W. Ok so for her there has been many many years of feeling let down and resentment me not doing my share of the house chores or my share of the child care and this is definatly true she would tell me she was struggling and I thought that I would help enough but it never was enough help I had an obsession with a computer game and I would often play this game for several hours she would call me I would say yes coming let me just finish this game and then I would start another game I guess it was an addiction she would end up either watching tv alone or she would end up putting the children to bed by herself. If I wanted to make love I might have sulked if she said no
I remember a time when I wanted it she said no I pressured her to make love she probably felt very unloved I remember a time she said no and I stormed off in a huff slammed a door went out for a drive I guess sulking because I could not get my way I do not think she was scared of me but she stayed in the marriage when she really wanted out. She told me that if we did not have children together then she would have left me years ago. So she thought all I wanted was more in the bedroom she gave me more and I still did not do enough to help her so she felt even more resentment and quickly withdrew sex I know she feels that I took her for granted did not aprichiate her enough
She still to this day will say but you are still not doing your share have you cooked three meals this week how many times this week have you vaccummed it needs to be done daily it is one big pile of resentment and feelings of being let down. When she had our children I did not take much time off work to help her and when she struggled I let her down by not helping enough I did not invest enough into the marriage . When we chatted she was devastated so so upset
