(Writer's block at the thread name so I am quoting my favorite answer to "do you believe in God?")
Great. 1:42AM where I'm at. I was out tonight (GAL!) playing poker with my peers from work. I was sober cab and had to give a guy a ride home that lives out of town. And I forgot to bring my crazy pills with me (my ADs) without which I do not get tired. So it looks like I'll be up for a few hours until they kick in. And I get a little lucid and things start to look like I'm in a cartoon after a while, so I figured it's a good time to start a new thread.
Why am I still on newcomers? Well, I find I still do appreciate the support. You know something? You guys get me through so much. There are a few reasons why. Number one, it does feel good to hear nice things from other people. After many years in a bad marriage it is nice to be given a compliment, or to have someone ask how your weekend went. But maybe more importantly, you are my anti-jadedness medication. In a world where the divorce rate is astoundingly high, and the number of friends and family that dish out 'move on and find someone else' advice like Halloween candy is astronomical, you are pretty much the reason I still believe in humanity. I still don't know that I'll ever date again because my faith doesn't extend past this forum, but I'm sure that will come. Of course those are just my selfish reasons. The thought that something I can type into a screen could ever do the same for others, or even help them through a tough time, well, that's mind blowing.
And of course I am still learning a lot every day, and while I am not a DB finished product, it's funny how when you spend time daily thinking about these things they form tracks in your mind of how you view situations and eventually that influences how you feel about things as well. That is why I always encourage newcomers to post so much. You get out of this what you put into it. This isn't something where "I don't have any questions today so I didn't post". This is something where by sharing your outlooks, beliefs, feelings, and perspectives, you can gradually herd your thoughts down healthier paths that don't cause as much pain, and thus allow you to behave in ways consistent with your core beliefs more often. So definitely, post, post, post!
These days my threads tend to be pretty miscellaneous, with a mix of what's going on in my life, and what's on my mind, and a few alligators for good measure. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about my timelines, where my heart and life were at during different time periods after BD. Obviously this will differ for all of us, but there are a few things I'm hoping the newcomers take away, I'll sum up my conclusions below. So here goes:
BD-90 days post BD. Physically this was when I was living in a buddy's basement, I moved out basically the day of BD. Emotionally I was crazy attached. I analyzed every interaction with XW. Every text message was calculated. Every email was triple checked. I constantly reassessed what I thought the chances of reconciliation were. I tried to reinvent myself and show that I would walk through fire and become the best guy in the world if only I could get my M back. Feelings of panic and despair crashed over me in waves. My brain processed, processed, processed data all day long trying desperately to make sense of what was going on, trying to find some closure, some certainty, some stability, some peace...but it was too big, I couldn't get my head around it, and things kept changing.
3months-6months post BD. My denial was snapped a little bit by learning of a series of affairs, and also reading some text message exchanges showing she was in communication with over a dozen different guys. Kind of woke me up. Also, STBX attempted suicide, and I was forced to step up my parenting game and really re-prioritize my life. Physically I was staying in a different friend's attic, visiting my kids, working. I was trying to GAL and live simply, playing chess with my roommate, going for walks, reading, catching up with friends and family. Emotionally I was still extremely strategic with my actions, behaviors, etc. Partially to try to keep the road to R paved. Partially because I was enforcing some overdue boundaries and didn't want to do anything that would make me the 'bad guy'. So when I geared up to get my own place, separate my income so I had a place to live, and getting more assertive to protect myself legally I was constantly checking with DB coach, IC, and my L to make sure at any time I could assure myself that I wasn't acting rashly, it was at the guidance of a team of experts. I still longed for R, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from doing what was right, and in fact I believed that was my best choice. I felt really betrayed and angry a lot, and I took the focus off of myself quite a bit. I had a lot of imaginary conversations with XW in my head in the shower. I craved her understanding of my point of view and how much pain I was going through, and how much I felt the M could have worked or still could.
6 months-1 year post BD. Physically I got my own place, was stepping up as a dad, and started a new job. Emotionally I was very angry. I remember wanting my family to cut her off because I felt that by letting her play family they were approving of her behavior. Lots of anger at her. Lots of anger overall. It was hard to handle. Also, I was OVERWHELMED. New job, doing more as a dad, providing for two households, and doing all the household stuff that XW did as a SAHM. Plus the legal work. I couldn't keep up, I was constantly fatigued, and probably a bit depressed at the bottom of it all. The good news is that the daily pain started to fade. I wasn't over it, but I was a bit numb to it. I was finding some good times in my new life and working on being appreciative for what I had.
1 year - 18months post BD (present). Physically my life has settled down. I have established routines that automate much of what I have to do, leaving me less exhausted. I have good times with my kids. My work is going alright. My legal process is 90% over and the D has been finalized (still finalizing negotiation on the financial piece, but that is mostly formulaic as the parenting time is nailed down...50% BABY!!!). Emotionally I am so much better. I am not bleeding from my heart anymore. Days are no longer obstacle courses to navigate through or endure. Now they are days again. When I have my children and look forward to seeing them. When I don't I find myself enjoying my own time, talking with you all, pursuing my hobbies. Now that most of the emotions from the D are lessening, I find myself better able to work on me. I still have some major challenges to contend with that could hinder future relationships. I am not interested in dating at all and don't believe in dating until a MINIMUM of 12 months post D being finalized. And right now I don't find other women attractive because they don't look safe, I compare them to DBers and am not interested. But I know this will change with time. I am still a bit extreme on my views towards affairs, divorce, and society's acceptance of it, and I know I still have some anger...but more and more things are ok. While I don't believe in D, would never have chosen this, and am not in any way 'glad' it's happened, I will say that I am happier now than I was during my M, and that I haven't even thought about R for months. I never say never, but it's nice to be in a spot where my feelings match the reality and the rope is long gone. I am now focusing on setting some new goals, and am catching myself finding some spring in my step. I am even going to join a pool league for fun (I am a pro level player and haven't played leagues in 8 years because they are for amateurs, but for the first time I just feel like 'playing', and for the first time I have the time and energy to commit to a schedule beyond life's demands).
FYI- the summaries here contain broad strokes only of course. My actual emotions were extremely unstable for the first year, and varied greatly. This was just the overall middle point from which the pendulum swung!
OK. What I hope the newcomers take away are as follows:
1) Don't trust your emotions or thoughts, follow your beliefs. Your emotions are all over, and your thoughts are just rationalizations that follow those emotions. The desire to come to a conclusion, decide on a course of action, get closure, etc, is so strong...but that is destructive. Those are the same reasons WAS left the M. If you can't pick a course based on your beliefs of standing by your M and working on yourself for a period of a few years regardless of how you feel...well, you won't be able to save a M, and frankly you can't chide your WAS for leaving for quitting a road you can't walk yourself. So slow down, STFU, be humble, don't think you have it figured out. You don't. Neither do I. I just don't need to convince myself I do.
2) Make it through the first 90 days. Maybe for you it's 60. Maybe it's 150. But somewhere around there something shifts, you go a little numb, reality starts to set it, and...because you have gotten through the worse...you stop being afraid all the time because you know the worst is behind and you can handle it. Really. Just hang on. No matter what your brain is telling you, no matter what you're feeling. This is just pain. Just pain. It's no different than stubbing your toe. When I stub my toe I count to 5 because I know when I get to 5 it will be gone. When my 5 year old stubs her toe she screams and cries because she doesn't know that and hasn't had the experience of it fading, so her crying is one part pain, nine parts fear that the pain will never stop. Here is me PROMISING that it will stop.
3) Don't rebound. The first year in general I was obsessed with whether or not I'd be able to do well in my next R, and how that would work, and how I could avoid this again...but I really needed to believe I had a good R around the corner. This was because I was still needy, and I was terrified that my needs would never be met. As I started to recover I felt this fear less because I was less needy and frankly at this point I care less and less if a woman will ever find me a good match. I hope so, I have a lot of love to share, and these forum members prove that there are good people out there...but I am not in any hurry. So #3, NO DATING. Seriously, it's a rebound, slow down, take a year or three to focus on the kids, if you rush you're just hurting yourself. IMHO.
DBers, it is now 2:45 and I will say this...I had a moment the other day when I felt all of your pain like it was my own, at the same moment. I don't follow all of your sitches, and haven't met any of you in real life. But I am here, a real person, and I do care about what you're going through. I'm sorry you're here, and I'm sorry that life isn't the fairy tale we all thought it would be. But in the middle there are some absolutely amazing people. People that cheer me up just knowing they are out there. And while I haven't saved my M, nor have I gone on to a new successful M, I will tell you that my life has probably never been better (except the summer I turned 18, but that probably couldn't be duplicated ) Please have faith, post a lot, don't do anything stupid (like basically take any actions or make any decisions based on thoughts/feelings). Read Cadet's welcome advice and use your gift of time, chillax, detach, GAL, and focus on 180s. Read the 37 rules until you know them by heart. Post some more. Get a DB coach if at all possible. And please believe that it will be ok. I'd carry some of your load tonight if I could. Instead just know that if you count to five it will get better...goodnight friends!
Last edited by Zues126; 12/31/1509:06 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It's 10.23pm New Years Eve here in NZ. Just got home from dinner with a friend. Nice to come and read the thoughts and reflection of another friend. Big hugs Zues. Great post. I reviewed all my posts from this year last night. Reflection is a great thing! You were so kind to me in the beginning Zues, you gently nudged me out of my darkness and pain. You made white knuckling it a lot easier. There was a time i didn't think I would see the light. I will never forget you and the blessing you have been to me and my life. May 2016 be as kind to you as you have been to me. I have a lot of love for you Zues. JellyBXXX
Awesome post Zues. Some great insights for everyone in there. It is important this takes time and we don't alway have all the answers. Sometimes they come with time as we keep working on ourselves and believing we will be ok again keeps us going.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I'd like to add a little of my own experience to your great post above. I know my M is dead, and there won't be a new one with my ExW because I've decided that I simply don't know the person that caused all that hurt and pain and to be frank I wouldn't want to be with someone that could do something like that.
I personally tend not to put timelines on things. This works for some but not for me. For me it's about how we feel inside. Do I still think about my sitch? Well yes of course I do or I wouldn't be posting here. But I always try to have some back up thoughts to interrupt that thought process. It just helps me to not think about it anymore than is necessary.
With dating, the good people on here always say don't get involved with someone too early as this can cause a whole heap of problems you really don't need. There is also the case where the other person either is attracted to the wounded persona which is itself not a foundation for a healthy relationship or the other person senses your hurt and not ready so they back off. I have to admit this is what happened to me. I did get involved with someone and like all people they are curious about your past relationships. I was clear to her that I still harbored a lot of resentment and anger towards my Ex so she backed off. Quite right too and this is where I think that when you want to get involved with someone else you need to be in a place where you aren't still emotionally involved with your Ex. It may be two years as per your guideline or it may be 6 months. But only you will know when you are ready and that's when you have fully go over your sitch.
Peace friend
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
AWESOME POST. ONE OF THE BEST I'VE READ FOR MY SITCH.
Yes, it was good enough for all caps.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Really needed this post, Zues. I love how you are able to make sense out of all of the chaos and emotion that surrounds our situations. I'm still in your first 90 day after BD phase and edging into the next one, but on my own timeline. Those waves are of panic and despair are a little smaller and farther apart for me now. Your post is enough of a reminder that this will pass and help me to maybe get through the next ones. You should just go ahead and write a book. I'd buy it and recommend it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Wow Zues, that was great. I bet it was good to get all of that out. And I so admire your feelings on Divorce, affairs, rebounds, and society's views on all of it. It's such a shame that it happened to someone like you. Tragic.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Hey Zues! Happy New Year to you. I missed about the last half of your previous thread, so I'm very behind on where your head is these days, but I do want to say thank you for your support this past year. I feel like I'm in such a good place right now, full of hope for my future. I wish you the same.
Zues, I am at your 6 month mark and I am 10 months in! I admire you so much, and your posts are so extremely helpful. Please write a book. You could help so many people. Also I took your advice in family therapy this morning, worked on phrasing my concerns in a way that respected H, in a very genuine and sincere way using my own words, and I believe it helped a lot. If nothing else, it is good for me to practice kind and compassionate communication.
I wish you the very best New Years Zues, I wish I knew you in person, but then again if I did, I probably wouldn't "know" you as well as I do online. Thank you for being a DB friend Zues.
) Please have faith, post a lot, don't do anything stupid (like basically take any actions or make any decisions based on thoughts/feelings). Read Cadet's welcome advice and use your gift of time, chillax, detach, GAL, and focus on 180s. Read the 37 rules until you know them by heart. Post some more. Get a DB coach if at all possible. And please believe that it will be ok. I'd carry some of your load tonight if I could. Instead just know that if you count to five it will get better...goodnight friends!