NYGal's Adventures Continue

[JksD]

Hi NYGal,
I doesn't save my M but I can tell you that if I had found this forum and read the books earlier, I could have.

The X was wavering and I did all the things I shouldn't do and made the OW's job so so easy.
And all the things I shouldn't do were all the things the X had told me/ hinted that I shouldn't do. Which you should have guessed correctly, are the things the vets and DB/DR say we shouldnt do.

The WS choose the OP because of the euphoria from falling in love. They want to feel good and these OP let them feel good. If we start to get pushy/ clingy or sad, the OP look very good in comparison. We feel more fearful because we have more to lose. The OP not so much, so their shows of jealousies/ frailities may not be as extreme or intense as ours. They will still appear to be the more attractive option.

DB is not about being a doormat or getting on with your life without your W. It's about presenting a more attractive option by becoming a better you.

And it's not going to be NC forever. Someone said that it's more of dimmer thing than a switch thing. You go brighter or dimmer depending on your sitch.

Right now, your emotions are still too raw so you're option might be to go dimmer instead of brighter. When you've evolved into NYGal version 2, it may be the time to go brighter.

(((NYGal)))

[JksD]

I didnt save... ugh. Bad grammar. Where is that edit button?

[Rain75]

NYGal...I'm so sorry if anything that I wrote made you feel like that. It was never my intention.

We all want you to get your W back. We really do!

Don't leave. We would miss you. Plus how would you get your Wonka fix? And her bang on fashion advice? I mean come on...that outfit last game rocked!!!

(((((NYGal)))))

[ARose]

NYGal, sometimes I feel like giving up on the DB advice too. About once every couple of weeks I am ready to either just pick up the phone and call a L or alternatively pick up the phone and call H.

I am coming up on 1 year post BD and this is taking too long.

But then I think, whenever I do things my "old way" and react with emotion, it sets back me and H. We are not divorced yet, not even legally separated. I am not claiming we are reconciling either, still in limbo. But backing off and giving H space has calmed down the situation so much.

That said, I hope you do what works for you.

Also, I for one, am all for calling the ow any name you see fit, and if I had to see ow I wouldn't be able to not glare at her. This is the hardest thing, the most heart wrenching experience I have ever gone through.

Whether you agree with all the advice or not, please know that you are in a place here with people who care and truly want to see you succeed.

Peace and love to you today NYGal. Hang in there.

[Azzork]

up front, I'll apologize if I sound short or uncaring. It's more that I post from my phone a lot, so it's difficult to make long winded posts. I really am trying to help you. And again I'll offer that if you'd prefer me not to post to your threads, then that's not a problem. For me, I appreciated hearing from any voice that was willing. And while I didn't always like the things said, in time, I learned that it was usually correct. But I digress.

I want my old life back because it was good, great even. W has lost her mind. Thanks Rouky for visiting.
i get it. I really do. You could have thought your old life was perfect; but what's clear is that W didn't. So you can fight it all you want, but the old relationship that you had is dead. There is no rewind or reset button. All you can do is keep going forward. What were advising is to learn from the last relationship to make the next one better. We are ALL hoping that W comes to her senses and that next relationship of yours is with her. Our advice is for you to have the best chance of that happening AND the best chance of it being successful.

I can't take any more criticism today for glaring at the stupid ow (sow) or for calling her sow. Or for answering a phone call from W. I love her.
im sorry if you take this as criticism. My aim was to point of some opportunities to improve for next time. I think overall, you did ok. But really, what does glaring down OW do? It puts you against her. It makes you be in a competition to be your W's partner. You aren't trying to 'win' a competition. Because you can't. The more you compete, the more it drives W to OW. This isn't a fight you can win, so why fight at all?

As for calling her 'sow', go ahead. My point was that all it's doing is keeping you wrapped up in W's drama. Why do you want that? OW is a scuzbucket so far beneath you. Why give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to you?

And regarding the phone call, that's your call. But W is going to keep stringing you along as long as possible. You want off the roller coaster? Then give her space.

What if all this advice is just cr@p? I'm here to save my M, not just to move on and away from it. I'm sure I will be happy one day. Right now I just want the woman I love and miss so much it feels like a knife in my gut. I'd rather be happy with her if there's any chance in hell.

If someone sees this and has actually saved their M, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise are we just sheep in some cult or something? Taking advice from people whose marriages failed? I wish we could all get the spouses we love back. Some of us are still trying.
if you think the advice is less valid, because my XW chose to go off with OM, then fine. I certainly made millions of mistakes. I'm just trying to help you not make the same mistakes I did. It's strange to me that you only want advice from people that succeeded; I think you can learn a lot from failure too.

Good luck NYG. I really am pulling for you.

[Tyler12]

I too wonder what the point of DB is sometimes. I think maybe it won't hurt as much to talk to S and tell her everything I want to say. Then I remember the last time I did and how that went and felt. It wasn't good.

I hope you keep coming here and keep us updated on you. How your doing because we do care, for you and your well being. Each day is a new day, some suck, some are great. We just can't dwell on the crappy days.
Be good to yourself Nygal. Take care

[TxHubby]

I want my old life back because it was good, great even. W has lost her mind. Thanks Rouky for visiting.

I can't take any more criticism today for glaring at the stupid ow (sow) or for calling her sow. Or for answering a phone call from W. I love her.

What if all this advice is just cr@p? I'm here to save my M, not just to move on and away from it. I'm sure I will be happy one day. Right now I just want the woman I love and miss so much it feels like a knife in my gut. I'd rather be happy with her if there's any chance in hell.

If someone sees this and has actually saved their M, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise are we just sheep in some cult or something? Taking advice from people whose marriages failed? I wish we could all get the spouses we love back. Some of us are still trying.

I have felt the same way so many times. So many people telling me how to save my marriage when they couldn't save their own. I get it. I did a lot of things that would not have been recommended on this site and it worked. I did save my marriage. We're chillin' on a Sunday morning drinking coffee and having a cinnamon roll together. The affair was exposed and crushed. That was a good thing. I started moving on and talking to other women. I filed for D. Talking to other women was a huge no-no here but it served two purposes. One, it helped me regain my confidence as someone that other people want and are attracted to and having been horribly rejected by my wife. Two, it made her realize not to take me for granted. I wasn't a guarantee that she can keep in reserve while she pursued someone else.

Here's the deal. None of these relationship advice sites are perfect. Truth be told, more of these relationships that people are getting advice about end in divorce then are saved. That's true of all marriage gurus.
They lose more than they save.

You know your W and your relationship better than any of us. At the end of the day you have to take in all the different types of advice and tweak it to what you think will work for you.

[rich4j]

NYGal...I really liked your post as this is all a frustrating, heartbreaking situation no matter what your sitch is.

Nobody knows what the approach is best for your sitch as everyone is different and reacts differently

I got here too late. I truly think that if I kept my space and had this advice months ago I could be in a different situation today but I clung, begged, pushed for cousneling and it blew up. I am now served with D papers.

So sometimes you have to weigh the options and do what is best for you in your heart. This all seems counter intutive but I think its part fixing and healing yourself and part pushing back on someone who has taken advantage of you regardless of the sitch.

[needgrace]

Hi NYGal

I get your frustration. I felt that way a lot back in the day when I would first get feedback.

I think there is no one answer that fits all. DBing did not work for me but I think it did cool things off and slow down the process. (I made a lot of mistakes though otw.) More importantly this forum helped me survive some dark. dark days and nights. I am still friends with people from the site.

It is interesting... a few months ago I got a note out of the blue from my XW saying that she is sorry and is extremely disappointed in herself about the past.. her growth may be beginning.

I think DB gave me the tools so now i do not have many regrets from how i handled my D. It also helped me grow in innumerable ways. (and believe me, I hated when people said that on the forum, i just wanted my W back.)

I guess for now... you have time on your hands.. I have not read your posts, but for me, I used this site to figure out how I contributed to my break-up and to work on me.. I thought so that I would be in a better place when W came back.. but ultimately it ended up helping me, no matter what.

I read a ton of Pema Chodron and others.. had quotes everywhere in my house to help me through.

I decided that I was on a heroine's journey and read Jospeh Campbell...

"It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure." Joseph Campbell.

Take good care of yourself. Big hugs.

[ARose]

NYGal, are you still around? I am just wondering how you are doing.