KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Most of the people I "knew" from earlier are over here now, maybe it's time to open something up here. I might need it in the coming days/weeks all things considered. I'll copy below what I just posted in my old "Newcomers" thread, with some edits. And don't believe for a second that just because I sound semi-rational below that I have it all figured out I've been a hot crying mess the past week, lost 3 lbs, and can barely keep it together... but I keep trying so that's the important thing.


Ah... finding myself back here after a tough week. My relationship of six months ended last weekend. This was my first relationship since D (and also only the 2nd person I've slept with besides XH so.. a lot of emotions and attachment tied up into this one). I knew there were some problems and I went into the conversation wanting to talk about them and figure out how we could address them (because I really did love the guy, I realized) but he decided that some things were "red flags" for him and he "didn't see this working long-term."

I know I can't blame it all on myself - this was his first in-person relationship (he would meet people online through gaming and have long-distance relationships with only one or two in-person meetups) so I think our expectations about time spent together, communication, staying connected, etc. weren't quite in synch, and it was probably somewhat overwhelming for him. He sent a lot of mixed messages - he would talk about inviting me to holidays, or maybe moving in together, but then would say he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in this same city or not and wanted to "move slowly." Ultimately I don't think we were on the same page of what we wanted and where we were in life. He had just finished his bachelor's degree in May (at age 30) and was just in his first full-time job this fall, and was very focused on spending time building that up.

I noticed I started to fall back into some of the same patterns of being a little too clingy - it started to fall apart when I got more serious about the relationship and started getting frustrated by things like only seeing him twice a week and very little contact in-between - him disappearing all night with no texts and no idea where he might be until the next day when I'd ask what he was up to.. and then I was told I was prying. The big difference from my M, though - I didn't feel like I needed to see him or talk to him all the time and didn't get all anxious about him having alone time or wanting to hang out with friends. I was moreso bothered by the fact that he just couldn't tell me before or after the fact so I'd either be left waiting wondering if he was going to get in touch with me or want to hang out, or it be a complete mystery aftewards. He didn't really want to share much about his day-to-day life and even said "This is weird for me and doesn't really seem that important - I've never had someone care about what I do before."

So, I guess I have some thinking to do there - I could have probably been more laid-back about it but after 6 months, I also felt like it was time to move forward. I don't think I am being too crazy - just need to find someone that is in synch with what I value. I felt like I did a good job of fairly communicating my wants and needs without attacking. He would tell me he understood and that my needs were important and things would adjust for awhile.. but then he'd go back to the same distant behavior.

So, back to the drawing board I guess. It's been tough. I want him back all of the time right now. But I know from DBing and this board and everything else that the best thing I can do is to let him go, and re-learn being happy on my own. He was a great guy but maybe it just wasn't the right time for either of us. If things change for him and he pulls his sh*t together and wants back in he knows where to find me.... and I know what I would want in order for it to work.

[SunnyB]

K-Girl, welcome to the board. I can no longer keep up in Newcomers, this is the comfortable place. And Claire and Maybell and Raliced and Mozza are here, too. It's a party!

Sorry on your breakup, I know it's hard, but after having been through what you have, you know you'll be OK and you have the tools to get through it. See this as a learning experience about what you want in a R, I'm sure you learned some things. Keep your heart open.

I was just pondering some dating issues I have, and mentally went through a list of who I could talk to. My "old" friends have been M as long as I was, and I don't think would be helpful. Many of my "new" friends don't date at all, they've given up after so many years of not settling with the right one. Maybe I'll just go update my own thread and spell some of it out, you guys are the best.

[KGirl]

Lots of things to learn, for sure. You know how people say the love you put out is the love you get (or something along those lines)? When I met this guy back in July I was definitely giving off a very cautious, casual, non-committal sort of vibe. I even went so far as to text him at one point saying "I'm still trying to figure out how much to stay in touch vs. not be overwhelming, so if I seem distant I don't mean to." I was scared and kind of kept one foot out the door for the first few months - I was nervous about planning things ahead for more than a few weeks for fear he wouldn't be around. And so I think I attracted someone somewhat distant, non-committal, etc. And then when things changed and I got serious about it... I expected him to change too and I can't expect people to change that much.

Also I think I fell into finding people that were like my ex (because the whole "I don't feel like I can spend my time how I want without feeling guilty" thing came up, once again) and had the same not-so-good things. Blech.

Still lots of grieving and processing to do. When he mentioned the idea of moving in together I started to get even more invested and really thought he might be "it" and clearly that was not what he was thinking (or not consistently thinking, anyway). While I could have chilled out a little more and been less dependent on him, I also think it's a continuum and somewhere out there is someone who feels similarly to me on the "togetherness vs. individualness" scale, where I don't have to lower my expectations and needs to try and keep someone around (at least I hope so because otherwise what the heck am I doing.. may as well give up now).

And dating is part of surviving the big D, right? So I think that conversation could go here

[SunnyB]

While I could have chilled out a little more and been less dependent on him, I also think it's a continuum and somewhere out there is someone who feels similarly to me on the "togetherness vs. individualness" scale, where I don't have to lower my expectations and needs to try and keep someone around (at least I hope so because otherwise what the heck am I doing.. may as well give up now).

K, after being married for 25 years, I'm finding it all too easy to want to be more "together" than "individual". I find a guy I like and want to spend a lot of time together right off the bat. When that doesn't work out, then I feel unwanted. Something I definitely need to work on. I'm learning......

[KGirl]

Sigh. Yep. Compounded by the fact that I was with someone who had never been in an in-person relationship much less lived with someone or was married to someone. He never had to adjust a schedule or plan ahead or think much about anything other than what he personally was doing. I was OK with working with it and being patient... up until a point and then I guess it wasn't working for either of us.

I am having a hard time remembering what I did with myself the whole year I was living on my own before I met this guy.. I must have done stuff to keep myself busy and happy but I have no idea what it was, it's like everything before him disappeared. Maybe if I read through some of my old stuff on here I can remember what the heck I was up to.

[Maybell]

K, it's great to see you on here. I've been wondering what you were up to.

WRT the guy you just broke up with -- that's not about you, sweetie. He wasn't the right one. I've been reading a lot of dating coach blogs and the one thing they all repeat is that there are TONS of guys out there, but only ONE YOU. Remember that, and value yourself that way.

It sounds very much like you chose someone who was just not emotionally available because you're not quite there yet yourself. That's OK!! Take your time and focus on having fun and getting to know who you're spending time with, without thinking about being WITH him. Keep that foot out the door and put your focus on just getting to know your dates. Maybe even date a couple of guys, casually, at the same time! This might give you more perspective on what's out there.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm glad you came back here for some comfort. I've been thinking about you.

[Georgiabelle]

K-Girl,

Hugs. I am sorry you are hurting. It will get better. Hang in there:)

[kml]

Welcome!
Sounds like you've encountered the "Love Avoidant". Google it-you'll find some articles that will make sense of what you experienced.

When I was first divorced from my husband of 24 years, I dated several men who were love avoidants. I was very confused by this until my friend sent me an article.

In retrospect, I think I was subconsciously choosing these types because I myself wasn't ready to fully move forward in a new relationship. These avoidant guys felt "safe" because they certainly weren't going to ask too much from me.

Now that I'm ready for a real relationship again, I have a boyfriend who is very present, I never have to wonder where he is or when he's going to see me.

[Mozza]

I'm glad that you're giving us an update, KGirl, even though you're sad. It does sound like you're taking it hard. I'm wondering: is it because you lost that particular guy or because you lost a relationship? You haven't quite mentioned what you loved about him, other than the fact that he wanted to be with you. How do you know when someone does or does not meet your expectations? How do you move along if he doesn't?

[KGirl]

It's nice to come back here I think my friends and family are pretty tired of hearing me be sad, overanalyzing this, say how much I miss the guy (we'll call him "S")

Maybell: I agree, getting to know someone without worrying about the end result is important. I tried to do that... so I thought, but I don't know what happened. We met early July. Agreed we were exclusive three weeks later (my asking but we were going to sleep together so.. that was important to me to establish first). He was the one who asked in early October if he could call me his girlfriend, and then later mentioned me coming with him to his family's for Thanksgiving and Christmas (which did not materialize so maybe that was my warning sign). And when things got a little rough a few weeks ago, he was the one who brought up the idea of moving in together. So I definitely let him take the reins.. but I guess when I started hearing all that stuff I thought it meant we were getting serious/more involved, and I wanted more (like, back it up with your actions. Make an effort to see me more than once or twice a week).. and he backed away. sigh. Maybe I just got past that point and decided I knew what I wanted, and he just didn't get there?

kml: read into that and yep, that's what I felt was happening at the end of it all, whether you call it anxious/avoider, or pursuer/distancer. I had thought I had done a lot of work in that area and was much improved. I had my own life, still hung out with my friends regularly, didn't sacrifice my activities, etc. I thought I was ready to be really involved in someone.. but maybe not. I know I don't want to attract avoidant people again so I need to figure out what it's going to take for me to be "ready". And how to identify it earlier without investing 6 months of my life.

I think I'm being too hard on myself for being clingy/anxious/pursuing. In retrospect his behavior would have been avoidant to anyone. For example, when he mentioned moving in together might solve some of our communication/time together problems and I said that I would want to make sure we're on the same page about commitment, where this is going, etc. first and that would be a pretty serious step for me, his response was "yeah.. I don't know.. I mean I would want to live closer to downtown so I don't know how that would work. And who knows if I'll even be in this city in the near future anyway." O_o We had been in a pattern of meeting up once during the week for dinner, and then once on the weekend (always at my place.. he had a twin size bed so I couldn't stay there, another warning??) Before the move-in convo in early January, we didn't talk about what we'd do during the week until Monday, and we ended up being busy on opposing days. He never said what he was busy with, but it ended up we weren't going to see each other for a whole week. I said I'd miss him, no response from him. When it got to his "busy" days I asked what he was up to because he still never told me and he said "doing laundry."

It all came to a head then when there was again a time where he was "busy" and I asked him what he was up to that week. He said "I don't like how you make me feel when you pry into stuff. It makes me feel guilty about how I spend my time." Then he said he lied about being busy and that he really just wanted to spend more time doing work because "that's what he enjoys doing and that's what's important to him." Apparently at that time he decided this wasn't going to work because he felt like he had to make too many justifications to me.. but waited three days to tell me that and con't to text me the whole time like nothing was wrong.

So, yeah. Thinking through that he definitely had some communication issues, or issues with being close to people. I suppose his online-only relationships thus far were a convenient way to keep his distance from people. Siiiiigggghhhhh.

And Mozza - it's really too bad because there were a lot of qualities I liked about him. He was smart, funny in an endearing goofy sort of way, sensitive about things, ambitious about his work and really passionate about it, calm, patient, never really let things bother him or got upset about things, made decisions and took charge when I wasn't feeling up to deciding things, attractive and there was a lot of chemistry :), he really liked my cats. But yes, there were downsides. He was more distant than I wanted, couldn't share his day-to-day life stuff with me (like what he's doing after work?), shared very little about his past or anything serious or emotional. He seemed like he was listening and understanding my needs and said he respected them but his actions didn't back it up.

I'm taking this harder than I should because around Christmas I started thinking "maybe this is it... I found him! I don't need to date anymore!" and I was so so wrong apparently. Rarrr.