the road goes ever on and on...

[Zues126]

One thing I've heard from a number of newcomers is that it's discouraging to see how few success stories there are on DB forums. We know that there are a number that move to 'piecing' or stop posting after they achieve R. We also know that sometimes people R several years down the road, well after they stop posting on these forums. Statistics aside, I want to talk about my experience with DB, and some of the conclusions I've reached.

One thing I've learned is that the world doesn't work the way we want it to. Looking at the ocean of WASs and LBSs on these boards has taught me this. If the world worked the way I wanted it to there would be no divorce. There would be no cheating. But I might as well say if the world worked the way I wanted it to there would be no war, no crime, no hunger. We live in a world full of flawed people. We cause pain to others despite our best intentions, and they too inflict pain on us.

Because you simply can't control other people. If your partner isn't willing to remain faithful and committed, you can't stop them from leaving. You can grow. You can work on your issues. You can change the dynamics in the relationship. But you can't make them commit to you. You can't make them keep their pants on. And you can't make them give you the love you wanted from them.

The hardest part of my DB journey...the HARDEST part...was accepting the fact I can't control or change this, and that as a result I may not be able to control getting the marriage I always wanted. Losing XW was hard. Losing my marriage was hard. But dealing with the notion that not only might my M be gone, I might never be able to get the M I wanted in my lifetime...THAT is a hard pill to swallow.

I don't hear this talked about a lot. Maybe because this is newcomers and many are just starting to wrap their heads around the loss of their marriage. But then I see many of them talking about their next relationship. It's sometimes brought up as a rebound, like "if I can't get the love I want here I want to cut bait so I can get it somewhere else", which just shows a lot of neediness and proves they need some time alone IMHO. Or sometimes it is medicating by fantasy, telling themselves it will all be ok because someday we're going to use all of our DB skills to get the marriage and the love we want.

But the truth is we might not. Our next partner might do the same thing. They might change. They might fool us. They might betray us again no matter how careful or good we try to be. Or we might have the best marriage ever and our partner could be hit by a bus. We simply cannot control this.

While very hard to accept, this has also been my most valuable lesson.

This lesson taught me that I have to make my happiness unconditional. It can't be conditional upon me getting the marriage back I wanted when I joined. And it can't be conditional upon the idea that someday I'll have the mate I dream of. At their best those are perfectly natural and healthy desires, it's very noble to stand by our marriages and I applaud the decision, and it's perfectly natural to long for a partner to celebrate our lives with together. But to make our happiness conditional upon it...that is being unappreciative to what we have been given from God.

It is not our place to judge God on what he has given us. It is not our place to try to reject the Earth he has created for us to walk on. Celebrating our life starts with us as individuals, faithfully, and without reservation. If we can't appreciate what we have been given, if we have a void within us that needs to be filled for us to be open to the goodness in the world...having a cheating spouse come back to us won't fill that void anyway. I mean really...how fulfilled were we in our marriages? XW and I didn't talk for months at a time and I was looking at painless ways to end it all.

I have been closer to this spot of appreciation than ever before, and it has been so positive in so many ways. First and foremost, I've never been more at peace, never been more content. The word 'content' is actually new to me. I never thought I'd feel that way. Beyond that, by not having a desperate need to fill in a void, I feel I will be MORE likely to get the M I want in the future. More likely because I won't be so desperate for love I sweep red flags under the rug. More likely because I won't be so jaded I can't give my heart to another woman out of spite for the fact I can't be guaranteed I won't be hurt again. And more likely because I won't have unrealistic expectations of my partner making me happy which ironically leads us to be miserable, resentful, and hard to live with. And of course if this combination of openness and caution, reduced neediness/expectations and yet more mature behavior on my part...if this doesn't result in the marriage I hope for, I will have the strength to extract myself from a situation if abuse or infidelity are present. And I will still appreciate what I have and will still live a life I am proud of and happy to have received.

This is not a revolutionary idea, but for me I resisted it for years. I tried to control my life. I tried to control my XW. It didn't work. It took a failure of this magnitude to truly realize these things. And while I won't suggest I've accepted it all, I can tell you that I've never been happier. And with time, little by little the voices crying out about how it isn't fair get quieter and quieter, and the voice which is calmly nodding to myself and enjoying the sublime miracles all around us, that voice is ever more present.

I firmly believe life isn't about getting what we want. It's about wanting what we get. It's easy to think we're different, we're special, we deserve getting what we want. But to me this is the line of thinking that makes us miserable and through us our partners as well. When we can truly be not just ok, but great, with whatever comes our way, that's success in my book.

So to those looking for success stories, if you're looking for controlling WAS's back into unsatisfying marriages...that's tough. But if you're looking to achieve the peace and fulfillment that you always wished your marriage provided- that's here for the taking. And from there, who knows, maybe someone else wants to take part in some of that with you...

[otw]

very nice

The control is awful. I for a week or two thought i just needed to move on and possibly meet other women to stop wanting wife. well that was a mistake, I was fooling myself. W came right back into my head. Now I am taking a lot of time just being alone. Yes still seeing friends but overall trying to really get to know myself again on a deeper level.

[AU Bob]

Thanks Zues
Great post.

[Rednail]

I loved this post. It really opened my eyes up to a few things and gave me a different perspective on how I was thinking. Thank you.

[Thornton]

Good read

[Tyler12]

This is what I see as a success story too Zeus. Being happy with yourself and your life is a success. Knowing what ever comes your way you will work through and be better for it.

The first part of your post cause me to break down. That I can't control everything. You have been an inspiring presence for me here, along with many others.

Thank you

[Painter]

Great reflections, Zues. You might enjoy a book I've been reading, Committed: A Love Story, by Elizabeth Gilbert. (She wrote Eat, Pray, Love, but has written mostly for a male audience before that.)

She talks about our expectations of marriage - how different cultures and different individuals have very varying views on the purpose of marriage and the needs it is supposed to fulfill.

[trumpet]

Very nice. Thank you for sharing. I agree, being content is the goal, as well as using what God gave you to better yourself and the world. A marriage partner isn't a crutch to lean on, it's a person who wants to walk with you.

[isittoolate]

Hi Zeus

I'm an avid reader of all your posts. I don't agree entirely with them all but they are soulful and thought provoking and make me question everything I am doing.

I envy your relationship with your kids, they are the same age as mine, 11 and 8. But at the same time it inspires me to get to that same level, of understanding, love, and closeness with them both.

In terms of other relationships and women, yes I have looked at dating sites, mainly to try to regain some self confidence, that I won't be 'left on the shelf'.

I am 50 in a few months, you are 36, you have more time. I know this is a stupid way to look at it, and I also know that most likely I will date a person damaged by separation and divorce - in fact 100% sure.

I has always had my W's beauty on a pedestal, in fact she is more beautiful now at 46 than when I first met her at 32 - why? She dresses better, is slimmer, has better hair and has all those modern makeup devices that didn't exist 15 years ago... - false eyelashes, gravity defying dresses, unbelievable shoes, false tans, breasts - nicer teeth - ok it's all superficial but men are visual creatures.

Just looking at these sites has shown that there are women out there who are just as attractive as my wife and probably just as damaged as me.

Yes I will take my time but I guess I am now only 3/4 months from D and 3 months from 50

[Squiggy]

So much this, Zeus. This was one of my largest struggles and the biggest barrier to working on myself. Very well written.

To quickly highlight what Tyler said, because it seems to be one of the pieces of DBing that an LBS misses, is that success is measured in two ways: 1. reconciling your marriage, and/or 2. learning and growing from this experience to become the person you truly are/want to be.