NYGal: Trying

[Painter]

1313, on a side note to you - see a lawyer asap! Your W has no right to change the locks to the marital home and your residence, or deny you access to your pet. Don't just take it!

NYGal, I am so sorry that you are on this roller-coaster. It's not fair, and it brings you back to the pain over and over again. I think you did the right thing, it's the only way to go for you to find lasting peace. Anything else is just a short-lived band-aid.

I also wish your friend would not have called W, but it's nice that you have caring friends who want to take care of you, even if it is somewhat misguided.

Try to remember back to what you were doing before W approached you and expressed doubts. I think you were going to a game with a beautiful friend? Dressing sharp and having fun with your own group? Can you find back to that place again?

[NYGal]

1313, I am so very sorry all this has happened to you. I have felt many of the same things. Valentine's Day should be outlawed for the power we give it when the people we thought loved us choose to spend it in bed with someone else. It's all just a stupid day but it hurts, it really hurts.
I understand your reaction in quickly wanting to leave your home, and I hope you can get back there ASAP. People on here advised me to stay at home, but I couldn't. The house is in her name. Now I live in a room and ow has taken over my old life and it makes me ill..

As far as my life goes, I will continue to GAL. I've been too sad to be alone so a friend cooked me dinner on Tuesday (meltdown day) and I was so exhausted she let me sleep on her couch. I was grateful that I didn't have to go back to the little green room I now call " the place where I live." I'm there now, after about 6 hours of sleep. Not bad. So how do I stay sane? My therapist suggested deep breathing. 3 counts in, hold 3, out 3. Repeat as long as it takes. She also suggested I tell friends that when I'm in a panicky state, they can help by reminding me to breathe. I find shouting skanky ow's first and last name separated by a word that rhymes with ducking helps a lot, too.

Last night I asked no fewer than a dozen people if they were free for dinner until I finally found a friend who was available. Sometimes that's what it takes to not be alone. She was going for a run, too, so after dinner I changed into running clothes and we did a trail run in the dark for 30 min. That helped a lot.

And Friday is another basketball game and I've lined up a cute gal to accompany me. This one is actually closer to my own age so it can't hurt if W sees me with her. And this friend is recently going through her own breakup, so she knows the score. And I'm so glad to have her company.

So it's all good. I suppose.

And back to you 1313, you never know what will happen next, or if your W will find her way out of the fog soon. Listen to the good advice you'll hear, follow it as best you can, forgive yourself for the mistakes you'll make, and be oh so patient. It might just work. At the very least you'll find new friends here.

[NYGal]

Somebody said to post on here when we are feeling shaky so here I am. The familiar tightening in my chest is starting. The thoughts turning to W and ow. The fear and panic. The doctor gave me an anti anxiety drug but then said not to take it at work because it will make me sleepy and dizzy. Great. So I can't take it now or I might crash my bicycle on my morning commute. But If I don't take it I might want to.

[NYGal]

I have to go to W's building today for a presentation. Might run into her. I will be as happy as a clam and not make eye contact. I hope ow doesn't show too. I can do this.

[Scrant]

You talked about your therapist and breathing. Have you looked into Mindfulness? I've found it useful as a way of getting through the stress and anxiety. Be strong, you can do this.

[needgrace]

Hi NYGal,

Hope you made it through the presentation.

Are you on any daily psychotropic medications? An anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication got me through the first few months.

This is so hard... I think DBing was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was horrible at it

Some things that worked for me:

1) Having a mantra or prayer like "Right here, in this moment, I am okay" or more spiritual ones if those resonate for you.. like "God please hold all of this and may it be held in forgiveness and mercy" or "may whatever is happening serve the awakening of this heart and may this awakening be of benefit to all everywhere." They kept my mind from fast forwarding to all the scary thoughts about them and the future.

2) Putting inspiring quotes about life/me up all around my house. (bathroom mirror was most helpful for me.)

3) Reframing this as time to work on me, that I am in this place for a purpose and the purpose is my own growth... and reading Pema Chodron, Jack Kornfield, stuff on love addiction/codependency/setting boundaries (Pia Melody.)

4) Thinking that I only have to get through the next hour... or next day.. taking it in small increments felt more manageable. Having a friend I would call when I felt tempted to call her.

5) Realizing that if really I love her, I let her go on her own path/journey

6) Keep moving/going/doing... and you are doing GREAT at that.

7) guided meditations from a CD in a Jack Kornfield book were a lifeline.. on loving-kindness, letting thoughts/feelings wash through me into the ground, forgiveness, etc.

8) eventually realizing that forgiveness for myself and my W and especially OW was good for me and was a process.. a really really really long one

At the end of the day, it caused me to rethink my purpose/existence and on good days, (not so much at first for sure) remember that I am here to learn how to be love in the world.

Someone during my time here that reconciled and made some amazing steps of self-discovery during her journey is labug. I would read her story if you haven't.

Please take good care of yourself NYGal.

[Wonka]

Hey NYG,

First of all, here's a DEEP hug from me! ((((((NYG)))))

I am so sorry that you are experiencing raw pain after your talk with W. That really s@cks big time. No two ways about it.

All is not lost. It is still the early stages of your sitch and I do believe that you and W will eventually find your way back together. Not now. Not a few months. MULTIPLE months later. The PEAs and the "shiny" new toy feel is very strong right now.

Dig deep for patience and turn the focus back on YOU.

Let me do a minor dissection of your interaction with W. You wrote:

I told W that as long as ow is in her life, there's no room for me. She said OK and confirmed that ow is in her life and her bed.

When you framed those words to W, it was a either me or her choice. When W feels pressured, she will ALWAYS pick OW. Instead you need to frame it in this way:

As long as OW is in the picture, you TWO will not be friends. See the difference? You are removing yourself from the cloche that holds the cake. This is what the WAS fears the most: losing the LBS's friendship.

Based on that "talk", you're still presenting yourself as the back up option and being too readily available. That has not worked at all...it all does is to set you up for a vicious cycle of scab picking sessions. That is clearly a cheeseless tunnel that has caused you tremendous pain.

What we need to do here is to get you back on the path of getting W to find the cheese: YOU! You ask how? I'm happy to show you the way:

1-Stop talking W. No more discussions at all.
2-Stop seeking out W (texting, emails, looking out your office window, running out of your building to intercept W, etc)
3-Continue with your GAL activities
4-Time for wardrobe changes. Dress up and do sexy outfits when going to basketball games and other social activities.
5-Join a church or some spiritual center that suits your needs the best
6-Surround yourself with gentle and loving people
7-Use thought stopping techniques whenever your mind strays to W and OW. Stop signs in your head or whatever. (What worked for me was distracting myself and forcing me to think of some other things/people. Some use rubber bands. Whatever floats your boat)

ANYTIME YOU FEEL THE URGE TO CONTACT W....come here FIRST! Unload on us....or call friends just to chat about the weather until the urge passes. I have used the 24-hour or 72-hour rule where I step away from the urge to contact Ms. Wonka and it usually passes. Or slap on a pink hued duct tape for 24-72 hours until that antsy pantsy feelings went away.

Hang in there, sweetie!

[Painter]

Somebody said to post on here when we are feeling shaky so here I am. The familiar tightening in my chest is starting. The thoughts turning to W and ow. The fear and panic. The doctor gave me an anti anxiety drug but then said not to take it at work because it will make me sleepy and dizzy. Great. So I can't take it now or I might crash my bicycle on my morning commute. But If I don't take it I might want to.

Have you tried the meds yet? I would try tonight and see how it affects you. The smallest dose of anti-anxiety meds do not necessarily make you drowsy.

Are you feeling any anger when you have anxiety? Turning it into fury and anger has helped me deal with anxiety when there was no other option. Best done alone in the car...

W is really the one who should feel shaky when she sees you. She should be ashamed of what she's done to you. OW should sink through the floor or burst into flames when she encounters you. (I don't think God does nearly enough smiting these days.)

Remember when you feel the anxiety that it is just a feeling that causes some physiological reactions in your body. Try to remain aware of how quickly those feelings can change. A normal anxiety attack usually doesn't last for more than 10 minutes.

Try to have on hand music that makes you feel happy, or movies that have always made you laugh. Clips from TV shows that entertain you - nature sounds that soothe you. Music from when you were between 15-25 can be especially powerful, I would create a playlist with your happiest memories from that time through music.

Also, when you feel it starting, see if you can focus quickly on something else. You have about 90 seconds from when the anxious feeling starts, to distract your brain before the physiological effect kicks in. It has to be something that is urgent, but I have experienced more than once how a phone call or a puking cat - or even H's lack of compassion and selfishness - can snap me out of a beginning panic attack.

I bet if you spilled a cup of coffee in your lap, you would forget the anxiety. NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD DO THAT. But it illustrates how transient feelings can be, and how we can distract ourselves.

Take care...

[NYGal]

The last four posts are awesome! Thank you all.

Scrant, I've tried meditating but I cried. The tears built up behind my eyes and when I opened them it was like a raging river. Maybe a 45 min meditation was too long for a newbie. But that and mindfulness are great ideas.

Needgrace, thank you for finding me! I'm sorry you and W divorced and I hope you've found someone who makes you happy. Thank you for the suggestions. I need to do those notes, definitely. The doc gave me an anti-depressant. I don't like to take meds, but I am. I never have before and, ironically, when I first met W one of her deal breakers was depression. LOL I never was this depressed until now!

Wonka, my love, I'm always humbled when you visit. Also great suggestions. Which gal is it? The hot Italian who won't give you the time of day?

Painter, I always love to hear from you, too. I'm going to keep hot coffee nearby at all times. I promise I won't throw it on ow or W, although I have had that fantasy. I scream and rage against the world and humanity almost every time I'm in my car, which is not every day. It's the only place I have privacy. That and on my bike. I love shouting every foul word I can think of to release the anger - mostly at o effing w. Someone told me to add the word munger to my repertoire. I haven't looked it up yet. Hmmm...

Wonka. The last home games are this weekend and the hot, sexy Columbian woman is coming to the game with me Friday night. No time to buy a new outfit, but I've lost so much weight everything looks new on me.

Also, I saw W today at a presentation. We did make eye contact at the end and she looked kind of sheepish and tried to catch my eye. I quickly left with a friend to have lunch at the student union. Guess who walked by? W. Made eye contact and we both smiled. She was alone and I was with a friend. Phew.

This was interesting. I ran into a mutual friend who now works with W. She commented that she is aware that W is really struggling, said every R has its ups and downs and that W should never have let ow in, and said to me, " I know you are really good for W. Ow won't be a long termer." I hope she's right.

Thanks again everyone.

[- MB -]

I bet if you spilled a cup of coffee in your lap, you would forget the anxiety. NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD DO THAT. But it illustrates how transient feelings can be, and how we can distract ourselves.

This made me laugh! I can picture it clearly in my head. Oh no, I'm feeling anxious *quickly grabs coffee mug and pours in lap* Sigh......ahhhh, that's better. LOL

That may have been amusing to me, but I have had panic attacks and they are not fun. Once I realized what they were and what they felt like, if I felt one coming on, I would immediately get up and start doing something else. Often times it really does prevent it from fully developing. You have to do it before it really sets in though. If you're stuck in one, just remind yourself of what it is and that you're just having a panic attack and your world isn't really about to end. Take some deep breaths and try your best to calm down. Stand up and walk around. Try to take your mind off of it. And always remember that it is temporary and will pass. The more you focus on it and panic because you're having a panic attack, the longer and worse it will be.

As for the antianxiety medications, if you haven't taken one, take a half of a pill when you get off work and are going to be at home. See how it makes you feel. You are on a small dose so you should be fine. You probably won't notice much of a difference in how you feel taking only the 1/2 pill. If you felt fine with 1/2 pill, the next day when you get off work and are going to be home and awake, take a whole pill. Just see how it makes you feel. If you're not falling asleep and dizzy, then you absolutely can take them during the daytime. If they do make you sleepy, watch to see how long it lasts. Usually the sleepy part only lasts for 1 - 1 1/2 hours. If that's the case, you could still take one as soon as you wake up and by the time you left for work, that side effect would be worn off. Antianxiety medicine is to keep you calm during the waking hours so you certainly should be able to use it for that. Everyone tolerates medications differently. It may make you feel sleepy, or it may not. You won't know until you give it a try. And, you don't want to be at work in the middle of a panic attack hanging from the ceiling by your nails when you try it for the first time. When I was first prescribed the medicine, it didn't make me sleepy at all. When they increased the dose, it made me sleepy for about an hour the first 2 or 3 times I took it. It doesn't do that any more. I don't have to take them every day any more, or even every week. I'm relieved to know they are there if I need them though. When I'm that anxious, I take one and then I can actually feel it wear off 8 hours later because that intense sadness, loneliness, constant crying, anxious horrible feeling starts to return. The medicine can really help ease some of this torture that you're going through.