She's gone. Living in the now.

[Scrant]

Here's the link to my old thread
She's thinking of leaving again 4
Thanks Sotto. I'm reading the Happiness Advantage at the moment. It has certainly brought a smile to my face. All the advice I've received on the forum has certainly strenghtened my resolve to do things from now on my own terms and not waste energy worrying about what might be. The only thing I can do is to deal with what happens now, to be confident that I can cope with whatever happens and to be grateful for each day. My life has changed so much in these seven months, so who knows what will happen in the future? I can't sit waiting for W, chances are she won't be back. I can't envisage a future where we regain the friendship we once had, not with the OM next to her. So I'm planning a couple of ideas for the holidays with S and enjoying my daily working life. I've learnt that there will be moments where contact with W upsets me, but I'm limiting them as much as possible and forgiving myself quickly. I know there'll be tricky moments with W but I'll deal with them and move on. Choosing to be happy, meditating and having a wonderful R with my S. Always remembering that tomorrow is another day, life is full of opportunities and I won't let W stop me living in the now. I've got a race on Saturday, then dinner with friends. I'm going to take out a summer membership to take up golf again as I stopped years ago. I might join a sports club for the summer as they have a nice outdoor pool and it can get very hot here. I want to keep busy but also I'm getting comfortable with quiet times where I can enjoy by myself too.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I'm really glad to read this. And good for you with the reading and meditation. I've heard of the Happiness Advantage and will look out for that one.

Great to have some new GAL in the pipeline and imagine S will enjoy the pool too. Sounds like it's going to be a good summer for you both.

Take care my friend x

[Scrant]

For all my fine words I'm struggling at the moment. I had to text W to try once again to get her to transfer her contribution for her son's upkeep. I was friendly and chatty, I asked her to do some paperwork for son for the holidays. She sent a couple of emails to confirm they had been done but with no comment from her. She hasn't replied about transferring money, we don't want to go lawyers so it is basically an attempt to provoke me into meeting her. The last time we crossed emails she disputed something we had already agreed on but offered to meet up in a friendly tone.I said we didn't need to and up til now she has always trusted me. Since then silence. We haven't met up since the beginning of March and have only spoken a couple of times briefly on the phone. Today she is having lunch with S but generally she hardly sees him and is frustrated that she doesn't have a R with us where she can come and go when OM is busy. I know she can be stubborn and is waiting for me to make the call to meet. The problem is that recently I find myself missing her and wanting to meet up although I know it won't do me any good. If we meet we'll get on, she'll think she still has a friend in me and back to the OM with a smile on her face. I really have no idea of her life at the moment, if she is happy or not and I try not to speculate. The good weather is coming and I'm dreading going out to the places we used to go to for fear of bumping into her with him. I suppose it will happen one day and I will just blank him. It will be the first summer without her and although I have a couple of plans there will be times when I'll be alone or just with S. I'm starting to doubt if I'll ever come through this. I've handled most situations ok but it hurts to think W can't be part of my life anymore after 25 years. I still love and feel the loss of her, but I can't be her best friend when she wants and the OM is busy. I'm busy working, have a great R with S but still have many moments where I can't see a better future.

[Zues126]

Scrant,

I haven't followed for a while. Sorry to be so scarce. Your sitch was a bit blurry to me but I remember having posted, so I went back and read your first few threads again.

You, sir, have come a long ways. I am really proud of the boundaries that you've set in place, the distance you've created, and the way you are finding appreciation for the things you have in your life. THIS is being a strong man.

Of course you miss WW. This is a devastating loss, beyond anything. I'm nearly two years out from BD and while I'm not in 'pain', it's a loss that still shapes my identity and world on a daily basis. Like being in an accident and becoming paraplegic. After the pain goes away, and after you adjust to life in a wheelchair, and after you grieve the loss of everything you used to do...eventually life can go on...but it's still a totally different world, and a more difficult one that will NEVER be the same. So, too, is the aftermath of divorce.

But you must stay firm in your resolve not to reconnect with her while she is with OM. I always challenge LBS's with this: How can you expect her to overcome a dependence and addiction to OM, if you can't overcome a dependence and addiction to her? You're 3 months 'clean and sober' from WW. You're beginning to realize that you might have a life without her. Not the one you wanted, but finding way to live the life you've been given.

Meeting up with WW is only reopening a wound. You will be looking for signs she misses you, and is suffering, and that she might have a chance of coming out of the fog. She will give you those signs as a way to manipulate you. They will be sincere as she is suffering, and she does miss you. Great. Good for her. But while she may be sad, or conflicted, or confused, she is NOT telling you she made a horrible mistake, and that she is sorry, and that she wants to know if there is any way you could ever consider giving the marriage another try. Until the conversation starts in that way it would just be cake eating and manipulation on her end, and attachment and suffering on your end. Don't do it.

So, for practical advice on running into her or dealing with her non-cooperation. If you run into her, be prepared to leave the area if possible, if not be prepared to create as much distance as possible and minimize the duration you'll be in the same place. It's ok to be in a bit of a 'zombie' mode, don't engage, be very, very distant, and get through it. Just stay away.

As for her lack of cooperation, you say you 'don't want to involve L's' which is a noble sentiment. I'm not suggesting you get a L today, but you can't let that ideal control you. There may be a sitch in which you WILL need a L. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it might come up. If you have it in your head that you'd be permanently damaging your chances of R, or your own beliefs, that's goofy. The same way you have to stand up for your boundaries, you now have to look out for your family. You and your S.

Maybe an email following up with something like "To this point we've been able to work things out directly with no third parties involved. I appreciate your cooperation and flexibility and would love this to remain the case. For this to continue I need to see steady progress with ___ and ___. In return, if there is something you need from me please let me know."

If that doesn't work I already know the follow up I'd send briefly stating that most couples involve legal tools to help navigate through some of this, and that it wouldn't have to be adversarial, but rather advantageous as they have experience getting through some of the issues bogging your progress down. And that in light of that you are contacting an L and would ask her to do the same. You are still committed to keeping things cooperative, just with some structured support, and that you always want to have a good co-parenting relationship with her for the benefit of S.

Bottom line, maintain distance, and keep handling the situation like the strong man you're becoming. Don't let your emotions rock your boat, whether it's longing, or whether it's clinging to a notion of a cooperative self-managed break up which almost NEVER happens and depends on a partner outside of your control.

[Scrant]

Thanks for the encouragement Zues. I've sent another email along the lines you suggested. I'll see what happens. Thanks for strengthening my resolve and I'll try to keep on this rocky road. There are good moments to enjoy, last night after a hard day's work I came home to find S had made dinner. It picked me up after a rough day emotionally.

[Sotto]

Hey Scrant, I did read your post before dashing out this morning - and I'm glad Zues responded with some awesome advice in the meantime.

Plus - good for your son (bless him) cooking dinner and good for you looking for silver linings. They are there in all of our situations and it is good to keep an eye open and notice them.

Now then, I hope the message from Zues has strengthened your resolve because - truly - none of us want to be moping over someone who is in a long term relationship and cohabiting with someone else!! Certainly in my sitch, that's how I feel now - but it did take me a while to get here.

Now I feel (and forgive any arrogant trumpet blowing here) - wow, he gave up a lot, giving up our M. I was a nice W - loving and kind, loyal, faithful. In return, he got someone who has cheated twice already and was involved in the break up of two M's - both with kids involved. That is no prize. And I would not want to be with someone who is in that kind of place emotionally (ie: that they think this hook up is a good idea.)

I don't moon and mope for him at all any more. More I think - well, good luck you you (I think you're gonna need all that luck.)

Truthfully, whilst she remains in the state of mind that she will continue with this R, she has nothing good to offer you anyway. So, you may as well go out and create your own joy. Who knows if she may realise the loss at some point? But if she doesn't, she isn't a suitable partner for you anyway.

I understand the need to grieve - truly I do. But also, try not to let grief stop you in your tracks. Use it (and your anger) as a way to propel you forwards.

Truly you will get through this - after all, what's the alternative? There are no easy roads through from where we are. Only winding ones with signs covered in moss and grime. But if we travel them right, I don't think we will ever regret that journey.

Take care my friend. I hope you have some nice plans this weekend xx

[Scrant]

Thanks as always for the encouragement. W sent some of the money she owed for S's upkeep but left various issues unanswered. I waited until today and sent her an email thanking for her contribution and saying that I assumed that she hadn't had time to deal with the rest of the issues as she had been rushing to meet S for lunch. In the email I reminded her of our previous agreements, copying in earlier emails. I finished by saying:
The one thing you can always be sure of with me is my total honesty and my kindness towards you. I think I have shown it enough times for you to know that to be true. I hope that everything is going well for you and take care of yourself.
The reply I got back blindsided me
I know you are the best and kindest person in the world, I would like to see you sometime, is it too painful for you?
She makes no mention of the financial figures because she knows them to true, all she wants is to arrange a meeting. I haven't replied yet as I don't want to rush in emotionally.

[Scrant]

Thinking about replying along the lines of
Hi W
You are very kind but as I've said before I'm incredibly busy at the moment. Meeting up doesn't really work for me, I just want to resolve things amicably and as agreed many times before. Then go on to some general chat about S before signing off.
In any case I'll send it tomorrow. Wonder about why she replied as she did. Just checking I'm there, pushing my buttons or something else? No real way of knowing without agreeing to meet up.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, my only comment is you are super nice in your replies to her and sound keen to convince her you are a nice guy. If anything, I would go more towards - pleasant/functional in your replies.

For example - Hi W, thanks for that. I'm busy at the moment and meeting up doesn't really work for me. But if you could sort out the X I asked for, that would be good.

Single sentence about S.

Have a good week, Scrant.

[Zues126]

Hey Scrant,

I remember when I was 3 months into my sitch. I would literally meditate for 15-20 minutes, detach from emotions, then sit and wait until I felt that my best self was leading the way before I sent a reply to an email. Or text. Every time. For months.

I later found out she was in a drunken stupor and had a string of other men while she was partying and medicating.

I guess my point is that looking back I was way too attached, and didn't recognize the reality of the situation. To do it again I would've let go much more quickly.

As for your sitch...I'm really not sure what you hoped to achieve by writing those words. I mean, I know what you wanted to achieve I think. I just don't think it jives with DB. It sounds like you wanted to show her who you are, to be understood, and to show the graciousness that no matter what she decides you will be mature and warm. The problem is that it is all about what YOU need. YOU need to be understood. YOU need her to see you in a positive light.

Stop it.

Look, she sees you in a horrible light- that you are not partner material and that she needs to purge you from her life to have a shot at finding any type of happiness in this world.

She can say whatever she wants to say, but that is the truth of the situation. Why are you still trying to alter her perception of you? Please, please, please let go of what she thinks of you. And the irony is that you trying to impress her with courtesy is selfish, it's about what you need from her, what you want.

Actions, not words. You want to be nice, don't guilt her about her decisions.

As for her email, I wouldn't get together unless there was a logistical need. You put yourself here though and you have to get yourself out of it. How about "I'm still sorting through what type of relationship I'm open to. For now I'd prefer to stick to business. Mainly I want you to know you're not my enemy and that as we go through this difficult process I am committed to working with you to preserve a cooperative environment."

I like that. Took me a bit to come up with it, so say thank you Seriously, quit putting yourself in this spot. Let her go, keep your mouth shut, show her with actions, and then try to stop needing to show her at all.

I'm going to post on my thread soon with a thought about anger/need to being validated. More to come.