Remember, these things aren't always planned, so don't take it as a deliberate decision on his part.
Hi Rose
Thank you.
I have a feeling they were trying.
I remember (was in July 2013) standing in a group with her there too. We were chatting about children. I wasn't saying anything, just listening. And she said that she wanted to have children, 'lots and lots of them'.
I felt at the time that her comment was directed right at me, and I remember very distinctly feeling that it was like she was stabbing me in the stomach. I can remember everything about that moment, it was so overwhelming and painful.
I think it was something that he talked about with her in the 9 odd months before, as their EA/PA started and gathered speed.
He never talked to me about it, in all the years we were M. But then, he wasn't very good at bringing up anything that was troubling him. I was the one who could bring things up and talk about them. I learned to do that in the course of our M. He just never knew how to deal with any negative feelings he might have about something/someone. So he just let them lie and they just festered in him (maybe even for years).
I feel that this is some sort of deal breaker with me now.
I've felt so overwhelmed and angry that I've now lost my voice completely. All that's coming out is a hoarse whisper.
It's happened to me a couple of times before in my life, when I've been so overwhelmed with emotion that I've lost my voice completely.
I'm still trying to process what is going on.
This is my first day off in December. I'm taking things very slowly and doing some very basic self care stuff. Starting from the ground upwards type stuff.
Hi Focus, I can understand how you must feel and I'm sorry to read of your health reaction too. I get issues with my throat when I am stressed, tired and overwhelmed too, and have come to see it as a useful warning to me.
I'm glad you are getting some down time and I hope you will show yourself a lot of love and self-care during this period. Do all the gentle things that you enjoy doing, but are normally too busy - reading books, jigsaws, watching a movie, spa treatment, walk, meditate. Just show yourself a great deal of love.
These unwelcome pieces of news, whilst horrible, do also help us move further forwards. I hope you will come to feel that too.
Take care Focus xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I thought I would update you, and I'll answer some of your very kind replies to me too.
December I was working a really full on job, with some incredibly sociable and fun loving people. So I went out *lots* and partied *lots*. I had a good time...a really good time.
I was keeping it together really well in front of other people, until last night. I remember the point at which I started to get affected. It was about half an hour before midnight, and a young woman I didn't know (friend of friend, only 32 years old) was next to me, chatting marriages, and she said something about marriage only being for a finite time.
I could feel myself starting to crumble a bit inside. But I still kept it together. Then at midnight it was all too much. I went into the ladies and cried for 10 minutes solid.
I thought I'd managed to compose myself, and went back out. But I couldn't get back into the conversation, or people I was with. So I just slipped away.
I walked home, crying all the way.
I hate new year. I've never really liked it much, I've always preferred Christmas.
Today: up, bath, facemask, cooked a very healthy lunch, Whatsapped some pals. Now for a little tidying and sorting.
Hi Focus. I was just thinking about you today. Good to hear that December has gone well. I think we are all going to have difficult moments over the festive period. Today is my W's birthday so seeing her Whatsapp profile laughing with her sister has been hard but we have to accept these events only have the importance we give to them. We can only affect our own lives with our own thoughts and emotions. You have progressed so much, have a great New Year
It's weird, this strange disconnection between outside and inside.
At work I'm always super positive and upbeat. Even doing 50/60/70 hours a week, I still manage to be positive.
Everyone I meet says how amazing I look, how well I look, how much they love what I'm wearing now.
Even guys in their early 30s are flirting with me. I'm smiley and chatty back, but no overstepping the mark on that front. In my early 20s, before I met my WH, I certainly would have flirted right back had I been going out with someone or not. Now, I just feel kinda amused in a totally mystified way.
And I just feel so darn lost inside, still.
One of my best friends, who I admire enormously for her positive outlook and strength, came in to the ladies as I was crying last night. She gave me a big hug and told me I was so much stronger than her. I don't feel it. Inside, I don't feel it.
I'm hating all of this process. It's all so painful.
