Ok here is a link to my previous thread [url=http://][/url] ... I still don't know how to link. Long story short my W wanted aNot S so that she could be alone with the kids. We stayed in the same house, seperate beds for 1 year...I would not recommend it to anyone...it was terrible. I found out 3 months ago that she was having an EA with kissing, with 2 different guys. I confronted her about it, told her parents and she cried and said she was sorry, but still didn't want to reconcile. One week ago we moved to different places. I have remained fairly dark since then and have expressed to her that I have no desire to be her friend. So today she asks me if I can help a little with her rent. I tell her that I can't, I am already doing everything I can by paying child support. She then sends me the following text which has been changed a bit so she can't Google it: I know you told me you don't want to be friends and that's ok. I assume your mind goes in circles thinking about the things we went through. Things weren't nice on my end so your approach to this is very understandable. I turned into a f#cling monster that I had to kill on my own. Just know that I have turned the pages and I have learned just like you. The kids are #1 right now and whatever happens between us will happen. The worst part is you're the man I loved the most and the pain takes over all other emotions. That no longer matters, it's a process and we have to make the best of it. Take care of yourself. I'm very sorry for hurting you...just don't drink too much or I'll have to hurt you... I don't know how to answer this. I was thinking of something like...sorry I took so long to anssswer, I am too busszy drinking... Any feedback would be awesome
Here's a pressie for you. Here is what I would do in validating W while being detached.
"It seems that you are in a lot of pain which can't be pleasant at all. I agree that our son is the #1 priority and that's a good thing that we've got going here. Have a nice evening."
"It seems that you are in a lot of pain which can't be pleasant at all. I agree that our son is the #1 priority and that's a good thing that we've got going here. Have a nice evening."
Simple, huh?
Wonka, you are some type of validation guru, and I have gleaned a lot from your sticky post. I have needed it for my sitch many a times. I have not mastered it, but work on it regularly. You make it look so easy.
Hey melo!
Hope all is well not that you are not under the same roof. Stay strong brother.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hey SH, thanks for checking in. I am doing pretty good given the circumstances. I answered the W with Wonka's suggestion, except I left out the good evening, which left the door open for her...aaaand she walked right through and provided rationale for why she made the decision, it was the best for us at the time, she wanted us both to be happy...blah, blah, blah... I didn't respond to the last text. Next time I will make sure and finish it strong, no equivocation so that she doesn't get the chance to regurgitate the same old story, justifying leaving the M.
As for me, I am seeing increased value in looking out for myself. I made a lot of stupid decisions this past year, hoping that it would bring my W out of the fog. I took a loan from my 401k and gave it all to her, I paid for her 1st month's rent and half of her deposit and spent hundreds of dollars in helping her pay her bills all the while my bills went unpaid. As has been stated before my fog as a LBH was thicker than hers as a WW. I will now move forward, look out for me, work out, get my business started and if she wants to get on the M train she can (given she shows that she wants it) and if not then the train will keep speeding along, not slowing down for nobody. It took me a long time to get to this state of mind, but boy am I glad I'm here. I just need to plan for those down days and make sure I don't slip back into nice guy mode.
Glad you are doing better. I will have to read your sitch from the beginning as I don't know that much. What I do read though I see a lot of positives for you which helps me in turn realize I will be ok also.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Thanks JK, I appreciate it! So my W texts me today angry as all he11, talking about I don't help her with the rent. It's her apartment and to be fair I did tell her I would help some with the rent, and I did, I paid the 1st month's rent and half the security deposit. She didn't have to spend a dime. So when she asked me I said that I couldn't right now. So she goes on a tirade and during the tirade she says that she has wanted to talk and that I have been avoiding her. I sort of have actually, be a useful I don't know what else she would have to say to me. Anywho I only sent like 3 texts, one to tell her that I was doing everything I can, another to clarify the first one and a third telling her that I refuse to have a text argument. I am thinking about texting her to see if she wants to talk and if she doesn't then ok, at least it's not my fault. I tried to be an adult, not sure if it's pursuing but actually talking about our feelings would be a 180.
If you do send a text back, I suggest you just state that you are available to discuss finances at X or Y time and have Z amount of time to discuss and would like it to be face to face.
If she wants to discuss feelings set another time for that.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
So I texted her and she said she was willing to talk tonight. I'm going to go and be confident, decisive and straightforward. I am strong, masculine, sexy and independent. (Thanks Sandi)
