- House has been sold and I have a new apartment. Found a great one for a good price to rent right beside a big park so the kids love it. I have moved into the town about 35km away from EW. - I may be officially divorced but I haven't received anything from my lawyer even though he had used divorced wife in his correspondence. - EW is still a pain in the rear end, still trying to control my life almost 3 years later. I wouldn't like to see her lawyer bill.. - Changing lawyers as mine does not know what to do anymore. WIll be interviewing a few the next 2 weeks. - Everyone I know sees how great I am doing and how moving to my new apartment is such a good thing except for EW, she is complaining through her lawyer and causing me some difficulties with some of the paperwork parts of my move. - She is also trying to claim about 80% of the house sale when she has only put in about 20% of the mortgage the last 2 and a half years.
However, I am just living life, enjoying where I live since most of my social life is here.
I remember reading in a post by Sandi that a WW doesn't want to have consequences for their actions, well mine stated point blank in mediation that she shouldn't have consequences... and just for reality sake for any newcomers, this is 3 years after her affair started.
Just looking here and seeing September being my last post... doesn't seem that long.
It has been somewhat eventful..
- Been settling into the new apartment, kids and I really enjoy living where we are and the 20min commute to school/work has not been any issue. It great to be able to walk to meet friends and if we decide to have a few drinks I don't have to worry getting home. Joining more groups and meeting more people has been cool, I've also changed my thought process while doing this because I used to be the introverted kind that went to these kind of things wondering if anyone is going to like me but now I go wondering if I will like any of them.. it's very refreshing going and not caring if I meet people I might like to see again, just meeting people for that one meeting or those that I just see once a month at the meetings.
- Had bought a new (to me) car once the house sale was completed, unfortunately had a trucker that decided he wanted the lane I was in and squeezed me against a wall. Car was written off less than 2 months after I bought it. Several weeks of dealing with insurances but got 'another' new car just before the holidays.
- Kids were away with their mother for the holidays so went off to the sun myself, played a lot of golf with my father and had a great couple of weeks. Only got talking to the kids twice and mostly only to D6 but it was better than I expected. Had one interesting moment while talking to my daughter when the daughter of my fathers girlfriend came over and said hello while I was on the phone, and shortly after, I saw MIL come past the phone and stand just out of shot...
- Interactions with W have been mixed. She has been very negative about my move, regularly stating to the kids that it is a bad idea, that I have moved too far away from her. (20 mins up the road). D6 has speech therapy at the moment and W meets us there for that so we have 45mins sitting in the waiting room with some small talk. 3 times she says that she is going to get a coffee from the bakery, everytime asking if I want something. D6 and I have breakfast date before the session so I decline. W has then sat down and chatted before going later, then the last 2 weeks hasn't gone at all, has just sat down and chatted. I still don't trust it is genuine as 1 thing I have learnt from my coach is that it's highly likely W likes attention and the 'chase' but when she has someone, she seeks that attention again. I kinda see it because she claims she is with OM but no one really sees them together and the kids hardly ever see him. Not my circus, though I did explain to W that if she is with him, she should respect him more than she did me and quit causing drama in my life. That I'm not interested in someone that claims to be in a relationship but seeks attention from other men. After the no consequences quote, her latest was "lying damages relationships", (it was based on S10 forgetting to do some homework and the consequence of that being he had detention). W compares this to lying since he didn't write it in his book and didn't tell me when I asked him if he had done all his homework. I explained that he had freedom to not write it in his book but if he forgets then or 'lies' to me then he has actions to take to regain the trust agreement we had. This is when she came out with the lying damages relationships comment.
- I enjoy the life I have, I am doing great things with my kids, we have travelled and really enjoy our time together. As I have seen written here, I don't have the quantity so I make the time quality. There is a friend at work who has been going through a tough time with his W, tells me he is envious of the life I have, being able to do what I want when I want and not having someone complaining that the things he does are not good enough. They are working things through and so far they seem to be better. I tell him that it's not the life I planned to have but it's the one I have now and it's time to make the best of it.
- Work is going well in that I am have been doing courses that will up the level of responsibility I have, I guess a little bit of climbing the ladder. I am also getting regularly head hunted and enquiries from recruiters from many countries even though I am not actively looking for anything else. I can't relocate at the moment but it's still positive feedback that my job and experience are growing and being recognised.
Well that's about it for now, I know there are many struggling, the best advice I can give is live your life. If people want to be part of it, they will and if they don't, live your life in the way you can enjoy it. We only have the one here so get out there and live it...
Ok I am at a loss of what to do with the mother of my children and any advice is helpful..
It has been 3 years this month that we have been living apart, she has made no effort to take responsibility for her actions and continues to lie and act like a spoilt child even 3 years later. I have moved on and enjoying my life, the kids and I are great doing many great things, travelling, hiking in the Alps, enjoying the apartment and town we live in and even though we drive 20-30 mins every morning to school, we accept this so we can enjoy living where we have many benefits. Everyone we know is so positive about it, my friends, my family, the kindergarten and schools say there is no issues with the children, they are both doing well, everyone except their mother....
She is like a broken, stuck record and I'm at a loss as to how to solve it. There is so much money wasted with lawyers and anything we say no to, she comes back with the same topic saying it hasn't been addressed and they are still waiting on an answer... Even my lawyer is not sure what to do anymore..
I have told her to go be happy with the guy she left me for, even though he wants nothing to do with the children and that I'm not here to fill any void she is missing form him. If she is not happy, she should talk with him and not do the same as she did with me.. I cut down the communication between us to between 8am and 8.30pm unless emergencies with the children.. She didn't like that... She can contact the children directly as they both have their own iPad yet she wants to be able to talk to me whenever she wants but won't do it by email, then runs off to the lawyer to send letters... Lately, she wanted to have phone calls, I said no because we didn't need them and they are not useful beacuse if I say no to something she gets on the attack and makes demands so emails or texts are better. I also told her that I met someone recently that I was interested in getting to know and who was interested in getting to know me and out of respect for her, we don't need to have phone calls as she would be my priority should things work out along with the children.. Well this just seems to have made things worse....
The last 3 weeks have been non-stop complaints that I live too far away, that the kids should live with her (even though they don't want that and are tired of her negativity), that she doesn't get any money (she earns close to me while only working 75%) and no matter how many times we say no, everything is fine the way it is she doesn't let it go...
My dad's girlfriend thinks that it's a case of she doesn't want me (in her head) but she doesn't want anyone else to have me so continuely makes my life difficult.
I know this is a site to try and save a marriage but this is best when it isn't, we are just not right for each other and she changed her whole core to fit in with where we now live. Everything is so small minded and negative and I don't know what to do anymore... I guess I am the WAS now even though she hasn't said anything to make me think she wants something different but the neediness and negativity is sucking the life out of me...
Just don´t give a f... Be there for the kids and be sure to acomplish all the legal liabilities. The boat has sailed for the rest. You can´t help her, in fact you need to stay away. Sure she doesn´t want that, she just wants to keep control of a non existent marriage.
The solution is up to you Si. YOU need to let her go. She is gone, and has been gone for a long time now.
You save yourself first, your kids need a healthy parent. Get some lawyer advice and set new boundaries. Protect yourself and the R with your kids.
Move forward from that man. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life.
WW H(me): 54 W: 50 T: 30 M: 25 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I know what you mean and for most of the time it is what I do. I really am enjoying my life at the moment other than dealing with the kids mother.. I'd like her to be happy and be more positive for the kids and yet I know I can't help her do that, I'm still public enemy no.1.
Originally Posted by neffer
Sure she doesn´t want that, she just wants to keep control of a non existent marriage.
This is the answer to the million dollar question and I do have difficulties when the kids are used each and every time through her lawyer letters to try and do so... I have become tired from it mostly, reminds me alot of when we were together, feeling like I was talking to a brick wall and banging my head in frustration...
It has slowed me down from really moving on at times (maybe more than I care to admit), the kids are tired of her negativity and it has been draining on us all and like I said my lawyer isn't sure what to do either...
Thanks for the bump mate, her circus and all that..
Just take a step aside and look. You need to be the healthy parent. Your kids will follow your path, be the role model.
Although I joined the forum one year later, I was a shadow reader for the whole previous year. I clearly remember your sitch. You have traveled a long road man, just keep moving that way.
Sure man, only feed your monkeys...
Keep strong there Si!
WW H(me): 54 W: 50 T: 30 M: 25 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Well another couple of months gone by since last here... and yet I still feel like i'm living in some twilight zone..
In the latest edition of my soap opera:
- Work is going as well as expected, have my frustrations as the company are quite passive and reactive as opposed to pro-active but it fits with the culture where I live.
- Kids are doing well, we continue to have great times together. Bought S10 a new bike and D6 has his old one so we can enjoy the good weather riding along side the river near me. Sadly, their mother can't be happy for them since when he told her that we had got him a new bike, she said that it hurts her feelings when he compares.. (common theme recently)
- STBEX is still a roller coaster of friendly one week, agressive the next. Mostly just plain weird. Suddenly offering to bring the kids to me on the change day so she can do some shopping in town (this is after telling me on many occasions that under law it is my responsibility to pick them up from her). She got right into my personal space this past week at a doctors appointment for our daughter leaning across the front of me. I didn't make anything of it. Remembering the picnic story, no reactions just carry on my own business.
- Had a friend that I haven't seen in a couple of years contact me recently if I was coming to see her anytime soon so we made plans and I visited her, spent some time with her and her daughters also finding out that she has just recently ended it with her husband... He is doing all the things we tell people not to do on here, begging, pleading, crying and she says how much it just turns her off and how much she is digging his own grave. It was interesting to here things from her side and how she is able to communicate her hurts and feelings. (Very different to my own W) She didn't say anything about anyone else (she doesn't have any reason to lie to me either) but I'm wary of being in the middle while they are sorting things out.
- Heard through the kids that OM was thinking of buying a house and how W was excited but apparently the renovations are too expensive so that's not going ahead. Apparently has been searching for a new place for the last 6 months as he is being kicked out of his current appartment yet can't make a decision on finding a new place. Sounds about right from what I know about him, very passive and non-action oriented.
- Been over 3 years of separation so contacted my lawyer last week to find out the status of the divorce since it should be able to happen automatically now. Have had no response at all which is also kinda weird.
