My DH is bipolar and several months ago started an emotional affair, actually several. Our marriage was growing distant, but he would also never tell me his true feelings because he said I would judge him. He is a classic codependent (people pleasing, sacrificing his interests and sense of self, etc.) He struggles with the bipolar diagnosis and right now is not medicine complaint. I confronted him about the affair(s) and he said he wanted to move out to "learn to be an adult". He then moved out in April. Some of it seemed like a mid life crisis, like he got tired of married life (after 10 years), wanted to be carefree and without any responsibility. Yet when he needed something he could call me at all hours (don't worry- I was asleep!) but of course any contact made me hopeful.
We maintained minimal contact because we had a sick animal to tend to. We also tried therapy together but DH was resistant, stopped showing up for sessions, etc. So we took a break from therapy. I made it clear (probably too clear) I still wanted to try and work on things.
He flip flops a lot. One week he said couples therapy was over. Then a bit later he said his mind was changing on couples therapy. I suggested we continue taking a break from it. After about 6 weeks I asked him his thoughts on going back to therapy but he said no way because all couples therapists would be biased against him.
He gave me a sincere verbal apology about a month ago and often says things like "I don't know what will happen between us". But then other times he is all "I want a divorce, if I had money I would file the papers" I have a hard time believing what he wants because it seems to always be changing.
I am trying to take care of myself but it is very hard. I am lonely, but I do have some support with therapists, friends, full time job to keep me busy etc. I feel so confused. I am not ready for a "D" and I am trying hard to know I deserve better. We have been best friends for so long, the loss is so overwhelming.
I want to be realistic but also try and have hope. But again it is so darn hard.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I was so low this morning I called a crisis line. My depression is getting serious. I am considering impatient treatment. It has been such a horrible week. Cat died, lost a job offer, and absolutely no support from my DH. I am going to pursue getting FMLA or a reduced schedule at work.
Now I need (want) to decide about having him come get his stuff out of our house. He hasn't changed his mailing address either and frankly I have been tossing his mail in the garbage. These steps feel final, but I am so angry at him. I've also been gathering up anything of his I find around the house and stashing it all in one spare bedroom. And I threw out his toothbrush.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly. It [censored]. I'm incredibly proud of you and glad that you called a crisis center and that you recognize that help is a good idea. I want to encourage you to follow through with it -- YOU are WORTH it!
I was in such a terrible place when I came to this board in 2001 -- it literally saved my life. And figuratively as well, because I gained skills that helped me to have a great life, with other people (including my kids). and with myself. I'm forever grateful.
The support here on the board is wonderful. Most importantly is the immediate self care you can get for yourself. Focusing on you is a very good thing. As much as possible, think of you and not him.
We will leave the light on for you here.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
MMM1919 - We all feel the same loss you have within you right now. No one comes here well, but people do get well while they are here. Post as much as you want, say it all out loud, we are here for you.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
MMM1919 -- sorry you're suffering but glad you found this forum.
It seems like your H's bipolar disorder is the lynch pin to this whole situation. This is probably obvious but if you suggest anything to him, it should just be all about him getting better, nothing else. I would suggest working on the R until he's on effective treatment.
And of course even more urgent than that is for YOU to be in a decent place. You can't help him if you're not well.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Yep, he has been told by many people he has to take care of himself first.
I am trying hard to do no contact, but it is tough. Though a part of me is beating myself up for evening wanting to contact him after all he has done. I know I could do better, but I still love him so much. It kills me to think I have lost my best friend to illness, a MLC, or whatever this all is.
And it's been almost 5 months of this. I am contemplating a legal separation. I took my ring off about 2 weeks ago. He of course took his off almost immediately.
MMM, just went through the "stuff" situation. Sorry to hear you are there too. I DBed hard, let him come take all of his stuff. Was strong on the surface, stoic, but inside it nearly killed me, to see him take all of his stuff. Cleave everything so neatly and quickly over the period of a few days. I find bits here and there and have made a pile for him, for whenever, doesn't matter. My IC says it's just stuff, that's not what's the problem, the problem is within him. She waves her hands when I agonize about the stuff. Me too, no ring as of this week. I think we need to be patient and give this time. I know I am impatient and do not want to live in this grey area. But, for now, it's just the way it is.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I don't know how you decided to doing No Contact but I hope it was carefully considered. I think NC is not in and of itself a solution. It has to be part of a larger approach. If you're trying to detach, it doesn't necessarily mean NC.
I'm fairly new and am learning but thought I'd still offer what I think...
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
