Dear all, I do apologise for the lengthy message but it is all so messy.
My husband and I have been together for 9 years married for 3. He is 39 and I am 34 we have no children. He has always said that I was the love of his life and that I was the only thing in his life that would never change. His mum had him when she was 16, his dad was 18. They divorced when he was 8 (his mum left the dad by phone), she left him with his dad to move to another country with her new husband (who she later divorced) and his dad left him to move to the states when he was 18. He was basically left here with his sister and grandmother and has always felt like he was abandoned and never had a home.
He has been a policeman, paramedic, English teacher, security operations manager, tour guide, art teacher and tutor. He needed a large sum of savings and dedication to complete these trainings.
During our entirely relationship we hardly have spent any time together. When we got married we decided that we wanted to have a more normal life than what we had had until then due to our work shifts. He decided to retrain as an art teacher and me to be an accountant. For me to be able to do so, we decided that I would quit my job, retrain and move to his aunt’s house. Although this was only meant to be for few months, 2.5yrs later I (and I say “I”) am still here.
During this period at his aunt’s he would do his M-F job and then on Friday evening and Saturday evening his second job. On Sunday he would sleep until almost midday and had no energy to spend any time with me. He did not want me to get a job nearby as my “job” was to finish my studies. I became extremely isolated and lonely as I studied from home. I went because of my job from having a lot of contact with people to almost no contact at all with the outside world. Also, being financially dependent on him going to see my friends anywhere in the city would mean spending the money he was earning so it did not happen much.
Towards the end of 2014 our sex life was non-existent. We had sex once after a month and a half, then I had to beg for sex around 3 months. Nothing happened even when I asked why he was not interested in me. Also, we spent around a year not sleeping in the same bed because he snores a lot when he is very tired, not even during the holidays or his days off he would make the effort to lay by my side. We were basically room mates, I felt unwanted, undesired, unloved. I will come back to this period of time later.
We both became easily irritable and started to have a lot of arguments (we barely ever argued before). He once said that he started to think that we were not made for each other and that I was not his best friend but his wife. I never asked anymore for fear.
We had both agreed that once I got a job I would start saving for the deposit of a house in our city so that when I finished with my studies by next year we could try to start a family. Because of this, we went to a housing fair. Seeing the reality of what we could afford affected him greatly.
After the fair and looking at houses online, he went abroad to his mother’s during Easter. He posted pictures in FB of the place where we got engaged, publicly said that he missed me and wished I was there and so on. We skyped and everything was fine until on the Friday we had an argument. Neither of us apologised properly (he never says he is sorry anyways), on Sunday, because of both of us being resentful to each other we had another argument, this time via text. He was due to return to my city on Monday, he missed the flight and could not get another one until Wednesday, when I was flying to my country.
I believe that he missed the flight but I knew he was flying about not being able to get another one on Tuesday so that at least we could spend an evening together before I flew. I flew on Wednesday, he texted me if I had landed and if I was ok and on Thursday he sent me a very angry email saying that he was going to divorce me and end our marriage. That I am selfish, cruel, mean, we do not have the views about the world, he had been thinking about this for a long time and that he loved me but he was no longer in love with me and that he had a bigger plan for his life and did not want to take me with him as it would make me greatly unhappy.
He was then meant to go with work to some trip for few days and he switched his phone off. On Saturday I flew back with my mother and sister to see what was going on with him. He could not even look at my face saying that I was perfect, just not for him, that since we got married there’s been no spark nor a deeper connection, that he is divorcing me and not changing his mind. Bear in mind all that time he told me how much he loved me, that he did not want to have children because he did not want me to love them more than him and so on. This was all a shock for me. He did not even want to go to counselling and had removed his wedding ring. All his stuff was already packed and later I found out he had never gone to the school trip and had asked his family not to say anything about this to me. In the evening, we meet his aunt, uncle and cousin, who were all very upset and in disbelieve, I came back home to see him and told him I was not giving up whatever was happening to him. He had deactivated his FB account too. He agreed to go to counselling but he would not change his mind and his decision was final. In the morning I came home again (I was staying in a hotel with my family) and allowed me to lay down in the bed with him, he was wearing his wedding ring.
I went back to my country and two days later when I returned home he had gone. He would not talk to me at all, no calls, no nothing and apparently he had been behaving like if nothing had happened. On my way home from work on the bus I saw him 3 times walking in the street. I got off twice to tell him I did not understand what was happening, to which he said that he had wanted to leave me many times. Again, bear in mind this is the man who always claimed to love me forever and was passionate about me. Nobody could believe what was happening.
During the first counselling session, he said he had initiated the separation because he believed we were profoundly wrong for each other, again he said the ILYBIANILWY, and that he wanted to find out from counselling who he was and who I was and to see if we were compatible (after 9 years together!!!!).
We kept on going to counselling and the not being in love with me since we got married became to have never ever been in love with me. He blamed me for carrying me on his shoulders emotionally and financially, that he has had no personal growth in 9 years even though I encouraged him to stop working so much and enjoy life and his hobbies. He told me he does not know himself and I do not know who I am and that he married me caring very much about me but not in love with me and because he wanted his dying grandmother to have a memory of her favourite grandchild’s wedding. And yet again that he had wanted to leave me many times but every single time he felt like that he realised that because of the circumstances we were in he could not leave the relationship. When I asked him what was his great plan, he could not tell me.
This was all news to me.
In his several emails and texts after this he was very interested to know what I would do with my life, what projects and goals I had and what kind of spiritual/social activities I was interested with. I felt like I was trying to seduce him again by answering to all these questions. He mentioned that before we fall in love with each other We had to fall in love with ourselves first.
Whilst all this was going on, he was going to the doctor and was diagnosed with Guilbert’s disease. He also has no family around (only his aunt, uncle and cousin), all his friends are happily married with houses and in happy careers, somebody who was known to us died of a heart attack not long before this all started and he went a month before to a 1.5 days stag party to Iceland with rather wealthy men and which cost him £1,000. 3 years after our wedding, we still had not gone to any kind of honeymoon.
We did 6 weeks counselling, he appreciated the effort I had put to get the sessions (there is normally a waiting list of 6 weeks). We went out for dinner one night and started to kiss me, then another day he invited me to his place and wanted to have intimacy with me, all these whilst he was saying the above things in counselling. I was very confused.
I ended up having individual therapy as I could not understand anything of what was happening. I also felt that I was being manipulated and emotionally abused by this man who I hardly knew.
After the 5th session, I organised a trip for myself to the coast. I told him he could come if he wanted otherwise I was going on my own. He decided to come. We talked about many things and had intimacy, he was still saying that we were not a couple but was wearing his ring in a chain on his neck. When we returned home (he had to move to mine’s for a while as he did not have alternative accommodation) he had one of his anger outburst and admitted that he needed individual counselling to sort his outbursts and abandonment issues. He then suggested to finish with counselling because he felt we were in a very good place and we could work on our relation on our own. We told so to the counsellor the following week and also commented that he had realised how important the relationship is for me (which he did not know before) and that I had to be heartbroken and feel sorrow and anger to be able to change.
Although he agreed to go to individual therapy, when I asked him if he needed help to find a therapist he said that he would leave it for the time being as he thought the mindfulness group we had joined would help him with his issues. Very disappointing as you can imagine.
After that, he got a job in security (he loathed this industry hence he retraining as a teacher) and left his teaching job, to again do work shifts. He got a tattoo in his arm that represents that we humans are a compressed representation of the universe. We had a lovely summer, listening to each other needs and finding ways to fulfil them, we went abroad, decided to finally rent our own place and made plans for the future. We also agreed to renew our vows on our next wedding anniversary and everybody was happy to see us back together.
All these time he had been saying that we had to be mindful and enjoy the present, that all that had happened in the past was a fantasy and never existed and that we were not the same people as last year. He felt very loved, supported and listened to. He insisted many times that 2016 has been the toughest year of our lives and that we will be able to overcome any issue life throws to us, that our old relationship did not exist anymore and the new one was excellent and we were loving, supporting and respecting each other as it should be. That he was very much in love with me and that he wanted to grow old with me. At the end of August, because of all this that he was saying and because I wanted to start with an honest and sincere relationship I admitted to having a brief PA in my country after the period of time in 2015 I have mentioned previously when I felt lonely, unwanted etc.
He has now moved out and is renting his own space. Has taken a lot of furniture with him, even asked me to help him moving it and decorating his new place. He says I have never been a wife to him, I have never loved him, respected him and our relationship has always been one sided (he doing all the work) and that I have taken advantage of him. He does not want to work things out and wants a divorce. He now has bought himself a £9.4k bike, has blocked me from fb, is posting things in fb to get people's sympathy and posted in my public wall that I have been unfaithful. He also says that all that happened in April was my fault, that I damaged the relationship with my affair (when I had the affair because of how I felt in the relationship), that he cannot fall in love with somebody capable of doing this.
I admit that the affair was my own bad decision and I truly regret it, however if I did not mention it to him before it was because I did not think our relationship would have survived it and for me it was more important to show him during counselling how important he is in my life and how much I love him. I had also told him previously how i felt around that time and he admitted to ignoring my needs as he was not emotionally ready to deal with them.
He also took the decision to divorce me one day after I confessed and has told everybody what I have done. I understand he is feeling very much in pain, he is disappointed, humiliated and betrayed, but the fact that he is publicly broadcasting my actions and trying to get so much sympathy from people makes me slightly suspicions.
On another note, I do not think I am projecting myself on him, but there are some things that he has been doing for the last two years that seem to be a bit suspicious to me:
- The “I love you but I am not in love with you” - The “grass is greener somewhere else” - The sudden change in his personality - The “you are perfect just not for me” - The we are not soulmates and we are not made for each other - The emotional disconnection - The not wanting to spend time with me - The moving out so quickly - The lack of intimacy for 3 months and scarce afterward - How late he worked at the college (this could be genuinely because it was busy, but who knows) - Walking to and from school (wanting to lose weight when he did not need to) even more obsessed with his body - Started to look at himself even more in the mirror - Started to use my blackhead extractor. He is anti creams and anti everything related to beauty - When I asked him about him seeing somebody else in april he got very angry and said I was insulting him, whereas if there was nothing he would have simply said no - The telephone conversations in the evening in the bathroom. When I asked him who he was on the phone with he said a friend of his. He always has his telephone conversations either in the living room or the bedroom. - The new intimate techniques - After counselling not leaving his phone alone and taking it everywhere “in case” his family contacted him. Yet he told me he found phones very intrusive - The “I choose to be with you”, who else did he have to choose from? - The “me, me, me and only my needs” - How snappy and angry he was all the time - The "I love having intimacy with you". Who says that after 9 years together? - When I went to one of his colleague’s leaving drinks, one of his female colleagues who he worked desk by desk looked at me in a very strange way. Normally a person who works so closely with your partner and has never met you would come and introduce him/herself. She didn’t, she looked at me in an odd way and H’s best friend in the college was uncomfortable talking to me in the two occasions I met him after april. - The urge and necessity to change his job away from the school after april after we were ok again. - He loved the tv show “cheaters”, he suddenly stopped watching it, even if I selected it on the TV he would the turn the channel over. He also loved house of cards, we started to watch the latest season and when infidelity came up he behaved in a very uncomfortable and childish way. - When I confessed, the way he told me he had never been unfaithful. He looked at me in the eyes but it did not seem to be natural and his voice changed when he was telling me. - He mentioned several times after April that many people instead of solving their problems talking end up in infidelities. He insisted several times that that was not the way he had to solve problems. There would not be a need to explain this if nothing was going on - The first day we were in counselling we were asked for our telephone numbers, my phone was off and I do not remember my number. I asked him to look it up in his mobile. When he got the mobile phone he had texts in it that he had received during the session, he behaved very nervously and uncomfortable and tried somehow to hide them. I told him he did not have to worry because I could not see anything without the glasses. - Lying about not being able to go to the gym because of how late he had left work, however he smelled of alcohol. When confronted he admitted having gone for a drink his with friends. - Before April he told me it was his befriend’s wife’s birthday and that if I wanted to go to see them to their place, he knew I had to study for some exam I had so I said that I couldn’t go. He then said that there could be a chance that they weren’t at their place but he would still go. He went to the shop and got a bouquet of flowers and a card which I also signed. He never EVER brought anything to theirs when they invited us for lunch or their birthdays. I asked him why was he going if there was a chance for them not to be there. He said that he would leave the things by the door. To enter that building somebody needs to open the main gate. I found it odd. He returned earlier than I expected and his behaviour was rather strange as if he was feeling bad for something. I only realised this morning that this girl’s birthday is an August. I checked in Facebook and the pictures from her last birthday.
To sum up, we both have done things wrong and I wish I could go back in time and not have my affair, however I think there is more to this story that I do not know. I think he is a man in the middle of a midlife crisis aggravated by my cheating who cannot deal with problems, avoids conflict at all cost and have quite of a liking for lying.
Since April I have lost 12 kg, I went through hell trying to figure out what was going on as he was an absolute mess and now this? Although I did not tell him the only thing I have ever kept from him, what happened in April has been very painful and all he can see my cheating? After talking to people who know the full story, I have been told several times that although what I did was wrong, his actions in April were far worse and no many people who have stuck around to sort out the problems.
I find myself now in his family’s house (and funny enough, they know all the story and cannot understand why my H does not want to work things out), trying to finish my studies which I am finding impossible since April and not knowing whether to stay dark until he feels better and out of his fog and pain or simply give everything up and move to my country with my family.
And as I said, I think there is more to this. Unfortunately, my intuition has proven to be rather good.
I am here for advice as i am rather lost as what to do, please do not judge me for my actions. In a way I want to get him back as our "new" relationship was great, but I am so exausted (both phisically and emotionally) that I do not know if I have the strenght for put more effort into this relationship.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am here for advice as i am rather lost as what to do, please do not judge me for my actions. In a way I want to get him back as our "new" relationship was great,
but
I am so exausted (both phisically and emotionally) that I do not know if I have the strenght for put more effort into this relationship.
Think like you are in an airplane and have lost oxygen. You must first put on your mask and start breathing because you can not help anyone else unless you save yourself first.
I am attending therapy sessions to understand my past actions and to learn how I can go through this very turbulent time in my life.
To be honest, and i am sure many people feel this way, I cannot believe we have reached this point. It all feels so surreal.
At the moment I am trying to focus on work, as my performance has really been affected by all this mess since April. I am getting in touch much more with friends and going out. As I have many friends and family abroad I am also trying to visit them as much as possible.
I stopped going to the gym, but exercising is something that I will start this week. I have also stopped contact with him as he is in a very nasty place emotionally, but I am finding it very hard.
I somehow struggle to understand his opinion about me (selfish, cruel, that I second guessed him and took advantage of him for 9 years), when the last thing I cause to do to anyone is any kind of pain, I believe to be very generous, I hate taking advantage of people and have always loved him to bit.
I may be projecting my bad decision on him, but his erratic behavior, blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in the relationship and how much he is slashing out towards me publicly starts making me feel that he is trying to ease his own guilt....
By the way, I just read my post and it is full of spelling mistakes, my apologies! English isn't my mother language and after 12 year in UK surely I can write better than that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I feel for you. I have been with my husband for 22 years and we have now been separated for a month. He doesn't want anything to do with me or the life we shared. He has said all of those things that they say in a MLC and none of it makes any sense to me. I am sorry I don't have any advice for you because I still don't understand the situation, but just know that you are not the only one out there suffering.
I cannot stop thinking that I have laid my own bed for this mess with my own affair. I am not justifying it and I feel very remorseful and sorry for causing my H such a pain.
He is turning very nasty at the moment and the interaction that I had last week with him were obviously with the intention of hurting me, which in a way I can understand. However I feel that he has returned to an even worse version of what he was back in Spring (when he suddenly changed). Also all this bad behaviour, blameshifting, rewritting our story and his public disclosure seeking people's pity is convincing me every day more that there is more to the story than I know.
Today my therapist gave me "homework" for this week. I need to find bounderies in my relationships (and that includes H) not to be selfish, but to protect myself from things that aren't good for me. Funny enough, H says I am selfish and cruel, yet I do not know how to put boundaries to protect my own interests.
I also came to the realisation that in the very remote case that he decides to come back to our R, I would not let take him straightaway unless i feel he is a happy version of himself, otherwise he can go for as long as he needs to find his inner happiness whilst I continue with my life.
We also came to the conclusion that he is playing games with me. First being nasty, then making me a cup of tea, then me hugging him and him resting his head on mine, then deleting me from FB as soon as I leave his place. This all looks like his behaviour in Spring. I see what my therapist means by me no having boundaries.
Where is the wonderful I have shared my life with for 8 years?????
