So I just came across this site and the rules. A little late. W told me about a week ago that she wanted to leave, that she was absolutely certain that we didn't have a future due to damage from our interaction. That despite all the good and recent improvement, she didn't want to work on it and just wanted out. She hasn't really been talking about it much since, unless I bring it up. Which I do. She has been hot and cold: intimate, loving, distant, angry. I've been talking a lot about how this doesn't make any sense given how things have gotten better. This morning, I woke up and told her that her sharing my bed and the resulting intimacy is confusing, that shouldn't she sleep somewhere else if she wants to leave? And that if she really wants to go through with this, which I think is a huge mistake, shouldn't she move out? She agreed. I realize how many rules I have broken. She is coming home tonight. What should I do? Have I gone too far for these rules?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
Can you tell a bit more about your relationship? And maybe a bit more about your impressions on what is going on. What has your role been, what has her role been? You've been married 6 years, but you're both older. Are these second marriages?
The more you share, the more specific advice you will receive.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Right now, she is saying that there is damage, like scar tissue, from fights in the past. Fights over nothing, often, that have no outcome and leave her with a feeling of despair. I wind up feeling that as well, but I seem to get over it more easily. Taken together and strung into a story, her narrative is very damning and says, in a nutshell, that we have too much tumult. If we are having a good time, there is always a crash coming.
As for our relationship, married for 6 years but living together for 12. We both work from home and hang out some during the day, have trained a martial art together, go to the gym together, watch TV together, play instruments together, have a garden we tend together, but we separate regularly to work on individual pursuits (I do the cooking, she studies Spanish, Italian for me, and we have our separate career paths, etc). She goes out of town for conferences regularly. Our friends overlap. We are well-satisfied in the bedroom. I like a wider range of things than she does, she is more focused on her work.
I have come to understand in the last couple of days that I seem needy. Inside my head, I am just madly in love with my best friend. I am happiest hanging out with her, gladly doing things for her, engaging, interacting.
My impression of her is that I have two wives. Both wives appear very self-confident, always believe they are right, and are comfortable telling me how I feel/act/think. One W adores me and is happy, and the other dislikes me and is miserable. It seems to take very little to tip the scales, and it is difficult to predict how long she will stay down when she finds herself in despair. In those times, our relationship seems to be the root cause of her woes. When she is down, she attacks and seems to be out of control with it. I wind up grumpy and avoidant or confronting and desperate to resolve the issue. In the past, I was much more willing to fight with her, but I feel like all of the fights have been had before and so I try to focus on our happiness when I can.
Just before my birthday, a few weeks back, everything between us was amazing. And then something changed. I don't know what. She got an infection, and claimed it was bringing her down. But that went away and she is still negative about our interaction. She starting picking fights and wouldn't listen to talk that says, "Hey, it's all right" And one day she said that we fight too much and that she was done. That there is a ton of good to us, our love, our house, our lives, but that she has taken the long view and doesn't think we are compatible and wants out.
She still sleeps with me, cuddles up to me. We still have good sex. But she always says she is done, she is just a couple of conversations away from leaving. Her mood runs hot and cold. She gets angry if I ask questions about what is going on. When I said that she should sleep in another bed if she is leaving, she wept. When I said that she should move out if she is leaving, she nodded seriously.
She is away at a class today but is coming home this evening. We have tentative plans to go to the gym.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for the advice. And for all those who have posted in the forums. I really appreciate the way of looking at the situation.
I pulled back from the direction I was headed and have attempted to adopt a less attached interaction style with her. I have had some matter-of-fact conversations with her. She was very surprised by the change, and after leaving her alone for a bit she tells me she is considering staying.
I know that is just a beginning, but it is very encouraging.
Thanks for the advice. And for all those who have posted in the forums. I really appreciate the way of looking at the situation.
I pulled back from the direction I was headed and have attempted to adopt a less attached interaction style with her. I have had some matter-of-fact conversations with her. She was very surprised by the change, and after leaving her alone for a bit she tells me she is considering staying.
I know that is just a beginning, but it is very encouraging.
