No, we are both emotionally and physically intimate. However, I am not ready for full-time intimacy, not ready for the 'always want to be with you', glad for time alone and time with other friends.
I travel quite a bit for work and have decided to travel for amusement also, would like to see the world a bit before it is too dangerous or I am too old. I now need to tell GF that I am not here next week (and she says my being gone is a gap to survive through) - asserting my wants and boundaries is where it is at now.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
thanks - yes, that is a good way to see things. I do ask her what she wants - one thing she wants, for example, given that she is a good friend of my xW, is to have our relationship be public (so far we hide things) - but she is naive (and she says so) in many ways, inexperienced in relationships, having been with only two men, ever, and this for only a short time (out of which resulted two kids). She is coming over tonight -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Luke, I can see her POV on that. I wouldn't want to be in a R that needs to be kept under wraps.
On the face of things, there wouldn't seem to be any need for secrecy - your kids are pretty much grown up, you are D'd. Are you concerned about the reaction of your XW?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
thanks - yes, that is a good way to see things. I do ask her what she wants - one thing she wants, for example, given that she is a good friend of my xW, is to have our relationship be public (so far we hide things) - but she is naive (and she says so) in many ways, inexperienced in relationships, having been with only two men, ever, and this for only a short time (out of which resulted two kids). She is coming over tonight -
Luke
What does being naïve have to do with making your relationship public?
I can tell you first hand, keeping a relationship under wraps hurts. I don't think you need to broadcast it, but hiding it is painful, for too many reasons to even write here.
There is nothing naïve or inexperienced about not wanting your relationship a secret.
I dated a guy going through the " I'm going through a selfish phase, as long as we do things my way, it's cool" Nah, it wasn't cool.
I believe you should examine your own wants and boundaries, absolutely. Wanting your own time and to travel is great, but in a relationship comes compromise. Are you ready for the compromise? Are you ready to address her needs and wants also?
Are you with her because you want to share your life with someone? or are you with her because you life the comfort of having a girlfriend?
For the moment, I prefer the comfort of having a girlfriend. We have gone through most of the NY Times 36 questions, so I think she knows me more and I her than might be the case in a standard BF-GF relationship.
She knows that I don't like not seeing my kids much, that I feel connected to EE people and a 78 year old guy friend here, that I feel lonely working alone at home when in Sweden. I know that she sometimes does math problems at night when she can't sleep, that she feels strongly about gender equality, that trust is a big issue for her in our R.
I think we need to work through to what we want from our R, and that tonight will be part of that. Yes, I would like to address her wants and needs (and here, as she spent so much time alone as a single mom, not trusting men, is what is mean by "naive" (her term)- she says she does not know).
I've told her about wanting to bike next week, and am sure we will talk about it tonight.
Making our R public is relevant since my xW knows her well and the change of status may change things. My daughter thinks GF is weird - not sure where that will lead. Finally, I still stay with my xMIL when in the US, which I imagine may change when she finds out I am seeing xW's long term good friend (I may need to rent an apartment in the US as a result).
I don't mind others knowing about us if this doesn't change my R with those others. This seems to indicate that she and I should talk about it...
So yes, I am concerned a smidgeon about what xW will say, and how this may change things here and in the US.
What is nice for she and I is that her and my kids both know each other well (her and my daughters are long term friends), and so there is a certain ease in all this, not the usual dating framework/timeline/etiquette.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I'm glad you are going to sit down and have an open and honest discussion to her about this stuff. I do understand this could get tricky with her being your exW's friend. But you can't keep it under wraps for ever, so having a plan is a good idea.
As far as your D thinking she is "weird", well, that's not a good reason. You think she is great and it's ok if your ten daughter thinks she is weird. It would be hurtful to me if I was in a relationship with someone and they hid it because their kid thought I was "weird"
I just think the longer you hide it/deceive others, the bigger the fall it would be. I hope you two come up with a good plan on your wants, needs, and how to tell others about the relationship if you chose to continue.
We just had a talk about our needs/desires and how to work together. I told her that I'd like to go biking next week, but didn't want this to let her down, and she - I have described her as 'beating all known records for kindness' - thought it was a good idea that I go. I'd mentioned this earlier this year as one of my goals, and she now seconded the motion - .
I also said that I wanted her to feel this same freedom, and she seemed to accept that. Finally, I said that her happiness was important to me, and it is, and so for the moment we are good.
Secrecy didn't get discussed, yet, but yes, it needs to get resolved/worked through.
Thx - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
