Wife had affair now moved out

[sandi2]

To get started in GAL, I suggest you get a calendar and begin filling in dates with various activities. This is a time you will be able to do what YOU want to do, and do not need to give an account or check with her. Make the most of this time.

Step out of your comfort zone and open yourself to new opportunities. If you need to make new friends, go where other people will be there. Check your local newspaper or other sources to see what is available in your area. Entertainment, sports, outdoor or indoor activities, museums, historical sites, library, carnival, etc.

There is something else that helps. Giving your time to those who have nobody to help in small ways. If you live in a neighborhood that has elderly people, you could shovel snow off their sidewalk/carport, pick up a prescription, give them a lift to the doctor, or however they may need assistance. Reaching out to others that need a hand, helps you have a sense of purpose and balance during a confused and painful time. It is emotionally rewarding.

[Husky]

This sounds exactly like my situation roughly a year ago...with the caveat that I did literally all the wrong things. It's hard as holy hell, but detach, find out who you are for yourself, and become the best version of yourself. Not for her, but for you.

Just to echo what was said above, NOTHING will be the same as it was before this happened. The longer you hold onto the past with your W, the longer this will be drawn out. She is a totally different person now and you will have to decide whether you want her in your life anymore. I found out the hard way by hanging on how truly awful once loving spouses can end up treating each other.

[Wes25]

This is so hard and has not gotten any easier. I know I have to get strong but I can't. Detaching is so hard when I know I have to but I just can't. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

The part that is eating me alive is when I watch my normally outgoing D become shy and scared to be left alone even for an instant. I can't help but feel like I failed my daughter. When she is with me I out on a happy face for her and we fill out time together but I can't help but feel sad. It was always a family together, it's supposed to be that for her. I never wanted any of this.

I'm struggling to afford my house right now. I don't want to move because this is my daughters home, this is where she grew up so far, it is in a great school zone, but I'll have to let it go and it's just one more thing I let my daughter down on.

I'm just sad all the time. My emotions are so raw. When my daughter tells me she loves me I tear up.

We went back to my hometown to visit friends this weekend and she could play with her cousins. It's a 2 hour drive on the highway that felt so wierd because it has always been my W sitting next to me on those drives. Even though my daughter was in the car with me I felt so lonely.

I'm struggling so much right now

[coffee_]

This is so hard and has not gotten any easier. I know I have to get strong but I can't. Detaching is so hard when I know I have to but I just can't. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

The part that is eating me alive is when I watch my normally outgoing D become shy and scared to be left alone even for an instant. I can't help but feel like I failed my daughter. When she is with me I out on a happy face for her and we fill out time together but I can't help but feel sad. It was always a family together, it's supposed to be that for her. I never wanted any of this.

I'm struggling to afford my house right now. I don't want to move because this is my daughters home, this is where she grew up so far, it is in a great school zone, but I'll have to let it go and it's just one more thing I let my daughter down on.

I'm just sad all the time. My emotions are so raw. When my daughter tells me she loves me I tear up.

We went back to my hometown to visit friends this weekend and she could play with her cousins. It's a 2 hour drive on the highway that felt so wierd because it has always been my W sitting next to me on those drives. Even though my daughter was in the car with me I felt so lonely.

I'm struggling so much right now

All I can do right now is reply to your post with support. I know exactly how you feel. The best thing I think you can do for yourself to feel better about all of this is to do your best to accept your situation. That doesn't mean that you have to be happy about it. It just means that you sometimes just shrug your shoulders and think to yourself "huh this is me now" Life is full of unexpected events, the house where your D grew up is just a house, her home will be where you make it. I have learned that through my experience. My STBXW is still in the house and can barely afford it, I chose to leave and make my home elsewhere. I call that house my shattered dream house as we just purchased it 3 years ago, we where doing well financially and where happy, or so I thought. I am renting an apartment and it feels like home, my S13 is comfortable there, it is only temporary. Take care of yourself, get used to the new you, enjoy your time with your daughter and yourself. And when you start to feel sorry for yourself because your W is not in the seat next to you, just try to shrug your shoulders, look through the windshield not the rear view mirror, because you can only move forward now. I am so sorry for your loss....it is sad.

[Wes25]

I've begun to question myself over the last couple days, why am I fighting so much for someone who put us in this place and is not fighting for us. She left because she needs to find herself and I'm left to pick myself up. We'll that is becoming easier when I don't focus on her. I don't know if that is detaching but whatever it is, it's working.

[Cadet]

I've begun to question myself over the last couple days, why am I fighting so much for someone who put us in this place and is not fighting for us. She left because she needs to find herself and I'm left to pick myself up.
We'll that is becoming easier when I don't focus on her.
I don't know if that is detaching but whatever it is, it's working.

Its a start.
Think like an onion and you start peeling off layers.

[sandi2]

Here is shorter version of detaching. Please read it and tell us which one you have the highest struggles.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to NOT bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.

[Wes25]

This feels so much like a roller coaster I don't want to be on. It's been 8 days of complete np contact. Last week felt like a good week, I was in a great mood all week and barely thought about her or us. Then last night the bottom dropped out.

The last 24 hours have been tough. I haven't reached out to her but I can't stop thinking about us and feeling sorry for myself and depressed.

Just when I thought I was getting a bit of reprieve my emotions draw me right back down.

[Wes25]

Sorry meant no contact

[Wes25]

So I messed up tonight. This week has been a tough one. So I reached out and invited her over for dinner this afternoon. She declined and said she had plans with friends from work. Fine.

I then texted her later in the night and asked her to call me when she got home. She did but I think she thought it was about our D (we share custody, she is with me this week) but I just started a casual conversation. How is work, what's going on there, about my work, etc. Then I asked how she was doing, how things are. I knew she is struggling financially so I covered her car payment this week (comes out of a joint account), she offered to pay it back and I told her to wait till she is in a better position.

I then asked her if she would like to go out on a date. She said she was open to the idea but later in the call back pedaled saying she would rather wait till she had her feet under her. We talked a bit about how we were both doing, I validated a lot of her points and was sure to listen.

But I did slip up. I told her that I love her her and knew that she couldn't say bit right now, that she is still confused. Which she agreed.

I asked her to let me know if there was no chance of us again because it would drastically change what I needed to do to heal. This was met with only silence so I'll take that as Good sign that she hasn't given up yet. We agreed rather than a date we would schedule a weekly phone call just to talk. Throughout the entire convo I was very careful not to being anything up about the A.

We ended to convo shortly after and at first I was a bit disappointed but when I thought of the small victories I guess it was a small glimmer of hope.

We spoke for 51 minutes with no uncomfortable aspects. We talked about a range of things. We agreed to set a date for another convo. She couldnt say that she wanted to end marriage.

I know I broke so many rules especially since I'm in LRT but I felt I needed this for me. I know it was temp checking but this week the unknown is killing me.