My ex wife left me 3 years ago. In that time I was heart broken but determined to save my marriage. I bought Divorce Remedy, Divorce Busting, did some self help stuff and went to do marriage counselling on my own. I was addicted to this forum as well.
As great as these book's advice was, I was never able to save my marriage. Oddly enough though...During this time, I advised 2 friends who were in a separation to read the books and they were able to make it work.
For the longest time, I was so confused. Why is it that my spouse continues to evade and come back, evade and come back but never do we ever make the connection?
It messed with my head. I was having such a hard time I started having anxiety attacks and headed for a psychotherapist. Guess what I learned? I learned about a personality disorder called "Narcissist". I learned that her back and forth behaviour wasn't a spouse who needed space and tome to think, it's a game she played to keep me available if she needs something.
It was such a revelation. In time, I also learned that her lesbian friend who was too close and too involved since the beginning was in fact, not just a friend. I was floored and relieved at the same time. It all made sense. Since then, I've been going through therapy sessions. It's a slow, slow healing process but I'm learning every day.
The reason I'm telling you about this is that some of you may be in the situation I was in. I just want to make it known that if nothing makes sense; if you find yourself cloudy headed and spinning in circles at all times and nothing seems to connect, be careful. Seek therapy and discuss. Not everyone will go through what I went through. In relationships with normal people, you'll find that DB works in a way that makes sense. With what I dealt with, nothing made sense.
Please don't see this message as a discouragement from doing the work to save your family. I fought the good fight and I don't regret it. Just make sure that you take the time to understand the person you're trying to reconnect with. Good luck .
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I just started going down a similar path after my wife walked out about two and half months ago
I have come to the realization that I'm dealing with a full blown narcissists that blames me for all of her short comings and issues. No matter how much praise, love, gifts, and emotional comfort I showered her with over the years it was never enough.
She has deep self-esteem issues and every time I tried to brush-off her worries or show affection (as a form of comfort) she saw it as a direct attack on her. I often would leave conversations with her hurt, angry, and confused.
We went to therapy for years and the more the therapist started hitting closer to her personal issues (she often dominated the sessions and talked incessantly)and the more I started opening up (I'm reserved by nature) the angrier and more resentful with me she got.
In the months prior to her walking out, she started lashing out and finding fault with anything and everything I said (often accusing me of being manipulative, angry, and unstable). Still I kept to myself, kept going to individual and couples counseling, and kept working on improving myself. Eventually she lashed out at me so bad and so furiously one day I left and went to a friend's house in tears (I'm not ashamed to admit that I broke down and cried in front of a group of people). I kept it to a very small and close circle of friends, but they were shocked because they always saw me as a pillar of maturity and strength. They also thought we had the perfect relationship and admitted to being envious at times.
When she finally walked out, accusing me of abusing her and keeping her down, everyone was shocked. Things went from me sharing my inner feelings with no one, to literally having lines of family and friends jumping over themselves to offer me help and comfort.
Then the craziness started, the random see-saw/roller coaster of demands and contact, suspected spying on our home, the small acts of random vandalism around my house, as well as the ultimatums from her (agree to my terms or I will file for divorce).
Everyday I'm a little uneasy about checking my phone, email, etc. because I do not know what she will say, do, or demand. I have changed my locks because of uneasiness about my safety.
She use to hate it when I withdrew and "got quiet" during arguments. I did so out of worry about really hurting her feelings and saying something I would later regret. Now I'm doing so for my own sanity and safety.
I am a few years behind you on the D but I plan on doing the same,, get therapy and better myself.
Questions:
Did you see a therapist that was pro-marriage? How do you know your ex is a narcissist? Was your therapist Gottman Certified?
Would love to hear how you are doing now!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Thank you for sharing your difficult story. I think it can help others. If you don't mind, could you tell more about the progression? Was there an affair? I'm also curious about the diagnosis of narcissism.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Apologies for delayed response, I thought the thread went unanswered.
I didn't come to this psychologist for marriage counselling, I went because I was getting anxiety attacks. A "real" diagnosis doesn't come without the person in question being evaluated. I had 4 sessions where I spent almost all my time re-living the marriage and the separation.
The psychologist explained to me about this behaviour. The way my ex wants nothing to do with me but will come back and try to re kindle the moment she suspects I'm moving on. The way she goes OFF and started drama when she found out I was dating almost 3 years later and then disappears again the moment she feels safer having ruined my time with another person.
I also came to better understand the relationship with her same sex partner. My ex may not be gay, may just be bi sexual but she latched on to this OW because she needs a third person with a triangle. She made herself to be the victim, this woman became her "white knight" and I was the villain. Before her, there was probably another but I don't know about it. I also learned that I used to be on the other side of that triangle. Her ex was a deadbeat dad she'd chase for child support until I came in and accepted to support her in our new family. I was the rescuer, he was the villain.
I spent over 2 years in a weird relationship limbo because she made sure to keep me stringing along just enough. In time, anxiety attacks came in full swing and it cost me a relationship with someone I had begun dating.
With counselling, I'm learning how to understand her mind games. I'm learning how to build boundaries and closure with a person who understands no such thing and is doing her best to keep me in her sick little triangle. I used to envy that OW so much but now I suspect she's living the kind of life I once was. It wasn't fun. I didn't understand what I was experiencing so I spent years trying to "fix the problems".
I'm going to be purposefully single for a while until I understand myself and why I let myself live like that for so long.
I hope this answers your questions.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
There are several different disorders in the DSM and it takes an expert to diagnose them. So unless a proper diagnosis has been made it isn't useful to label.
I believe it's best to stick to behaviour rather than labelling.
If the behaviour is abusive then the tag fits fine.
Zelda and Vanilla (moi) set up the abuse thread to help those of us who sensed we were in an abusive sitch.
What is described is called the sweet cycle. And the specific behaviour is referred to as 'hoovering'.
Several problems such as bipolar disorder, depression and mania are physiological rather than psychological but have behavioural effects. In the same way dementia and schizophrenia do.
Others are personality disorders.
They include psychopathy now anti social personality disorder (no feelings)
Sociopathy the overbearing need for connection and social validation.
Narcissism which has spectrums, healthy, over conscious and impeding. The need for constant affirmation and seeing others as an extension of self. A certain degree of narc is healthy, a lack of self interest is just as bad as too much.
Borderline, swinging from loving you to hating you. When their needs are not met. Not seeing you as separate.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
