My name is Ian and I'm currently being coached over the telephone by Laurie (she has been a great help to me). I don’t have another session for a week which is why I am “unloading” on the forum. I can’t sleep.
I've been married for 30 years and sexless for 8. 3 months ago I told my wife it would be better if we separated. She implored me not to and said she wanted to change. I believe her and we are having sex therapy (6 weeks in). Our relationship is good, that's why I have lasted for 8 years without sex or any form of physical contact.
Our sex therapy has reached the stage where we are touching each other’s bodies (whilst dressed in underwear) everywhere except areas covered by underwear. At our consultation with our therapist, tonight, my wife said that she felt very uncomfortable every time my hand got anywhere near her underwear. She could not explain why this made her uncomfortable. She could not blame it on her 1st husband, family background or any trauma / abuse. Then she said that whilst touching she didn’t want me to get an erection. I wasn’t surprised when she made the 1st statement but (I put it down to 8 years inactivity) but when she made the 2nd I was surprised. It got me thinking……. What if we are trying to rediscover something she never had… sexual desire for me.
Did we have a good sex life ?…. Yes in the beginning we were (and still are) in love. After that we had the fun of making a baby…… my wife enjoyed sex but it was either “a quicky” because she said it was bring in the bedroom or if it was in bed I would have to spend a long time (for example) stroking her bum before she would be in the mood to make love….. then the menopause struck and it was all down hill from there.
Of course I need to talk to her but its midnight in UK and she is asleep. We love each other, we get on, we have a great family and no money worries. So from her point of view, given she doesn’t want any physical contact, life was great until I said I needed more. I want her to be honest about her historical feelings / desires for me (did she ever find me physically attractive), but I know she is very afraid of separation. I’m afraid she will dismiss the idea and we spend the next 6 months wasting each other’s time looking for something we never had and are not going to find.
You have been patient. Why do you feel an urgency now?
You have a coaches appointment in a week. That's nit long You need to talk to her now but she's asleep. I have found that often when we are compelled to do something, it rarely is the best thing to do. Why does six months more feel too much to be worth trying?
I understand your frustration but wonder what motivates your urgency.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Did you ask her if you ever turned her on? If the answer is no another 6 months probably won't fix the problem. After all she has already had 8 years to work on her issues and hasn't accomplished anything. Talk is cheap and it means nothing unless it's backed up by her actions.
