What should I be doing now? (It's done)

[doodler]

Coconut,

Sorry about the divorce thing. By the way that should be 2018, not 2017. (I don't want you to have to do a repeat.)

I hope you get to take the dog home. Are you and the dog going to sit in the boat and watch TV?

[neffer]

Hi Coco. I have been reading your thread since the start of the year. You have got the stength of your own journey now.
You sound longing for past times. Keep moving, keep GAL.
You are a free man, you stood for your values. Keep going.
Sometimes it is no so easy but it is a must do. The anchor from the past needs to be broken. I sail those turbulent waters from time to time. It´s hard not to get dizzy. Starts a new year soon...

[Coconut]

Doodler, I should of just done it in Jan 2017, but you're right, it is in fact next year It's funny that you bring up the boat, because the first thing I considered when she asked was all the fishing/camping trips I take and how I would work that with my dog, even considering upgrading my kayak to a 2 seater so she could join me and not have to stay at the campsite while I'm out fishing..

neffer, thank you for reaching out. I'm really doing fine, there is a little sadness there, but it's not very consuming (if that makes sense). I think the best way I can describe it is when I was a kid, we would go visit my great uncle and aunt in Orlando every year, it was the only vacation that we took most years. It was always a good time, we would go to theme parks, I would go fishing with my uncle on his boat, etc.. we always had a blast. Whenever we would leave to go home, I would be sad on the entire drive back home, feeling like all those good times where going to be missing in my life.. I kind of feel like I did back then.

I do not find anything appealing about my W, I do not even really know her anymore, but I feel sadness for the loss of the moments that we did have, and for what I imagined our future would be, but I don't feel sad about the present.

[neffer]

So go visit your family. We all should be surrounded by people who care for us at this time of the year. Are you meeting your S?

[Coconut]

I never told my son when I was coming down to Fl, since he never asked, so he didn't know I would be at his wrestling meet last night, and he was pretty surprised when he saw me in the stands.. He was pretty excited, so that was fun..

About an hour after I got there, Stbxw walks in with some guy.. Ok, that was a bit jarring, but it wasn't too bad (just a good thing it wasn't the OM).. She didn't see me and went to talk to son, and the other guy sat right in front of me 3 rows down. I considered fckn with him a little bit, asking how it felt to know his gfriend has a husband, but he doesn't have anything to do with me, so I just let it be.. My STBXW at some point saw me or was told by son I was there (not sure) went to sit in another section of bleachers and motioned for the other guy to move over there.

I had invited my brother and a friend to the meet, and my sons gf also sat with me, so we were all talking and joking, so seeing her and the guy didn't bother me too much and I was able to chill and annoy the meet.

Went out to dinner with son and friends afterwards, and at some point mentioned my families Christmas party to son, and he says I really want to go but I don't know how long I can stay... Why I asked, and he says mom made dinner plans at grandmas house... I just said ok, well let me know, cause I was fuming and wanted to think it through before saying anything else.

Decided to just text my Stbxw rather than putting my son in the middle, and told her I was upset that she made plans for him with grandparents instead of spending time with dad at his families party. She replied that she would see if they could change plans.

So we will see what happens, but overall I'm pretty happy with the minimal impact that seeing her with someone else had on me, and feeling comfortable with my decision to push the D through.

[Gordie]

Coconut,

I am proud of you. You sound very grounded. Enjoy your Christmas with s and family. It takes a lot of strength and confidence to see stbx with OM and enjoy yourself nonetheless.

[TBSakaJ9]

Nut....I concur with G. I hope when I am faced with a similar situation in the future I can handle myself in the same manner you did. Good job!

[neffer]

Good for you and your son man. As Gordie said: enjoy your family. You deserve this after such a long journey.

[Coconut]

Ok, so Stbxw text'd me back yesterday and I would like an opinion of if my text was inappropriate, spiteful, or what, cause I thought it was just straight forward and fair pretty fair way to say I was upset without adding any comments about why I thought she did it or without being spiteful... But she obviously didn't see it that way.. Do I need to work on being more neutral? I'm curious what y'all think. So the original texts were:

M - I'm very upset that you, knowing we have a Christmas party every Christmas night, made plans for son to go to grandparents for dinner rather than spending time with his dad.

W - I didn't make the plans, my aunt is in town &I asked to do dinner on Christmas night. I will ask my mom what we can do. I'm not even sure when I'll get to see him at this point.

End of original texts. A little context I'll fill in, everyone at that dinner will be off work and in town for the week after Christmas, and my Stbxw will have him Christmas morning.

Next day:
W - I know you think I'm this horrible person but I spoke to my mom & she said son can go to your moms Christmas night & we will do our family Christmas another night. Instead of sending me a text like that, you could simply speak to me about it so we could work it out but I know you'd prefer to take the hostile route. Enjoy Christmas & you're welcome.

M - I wasn't being mean, I was upset and I said so.

W - K

[trumpet]

I would have responded to the EXWW the 'next day' with an 'OK'. Nothing more. Maybe 'thank you'. But really, I would have made it pithy. But that's just me...

You don't need to explain yourself. I even think you could have gone a different route and NOT told her you are angry. Showing emotion to someone who doesn't care about you anymore, or harbors resentment for you, can be a door of opportunity for them to strike at you.

Complete detachment means if they get angry or upset with you, you shrug your shoulders, turn around, and walk away. At least that's what it means in my book. Easy in theory, hard in practice, as we have wounds that go deep, and the person we dialogue with knows our 'hot buttons'.

BTW - "I know you think I'm this horrible person" = she thinks she's the horrible person. MY EX said this many times. Her guilt 'meter' used to work. It broke during her affairs... at least it seemed to. Now? Who cares.