WW's are awesome at spewing. And those of us who had the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome are awesome at reacting to that spew.
In the end once they drop the bomb you don't have to put up with it in any way. If you allow yourself to keep feeling hurt, angry, apologetic, defensive, indignant, or- worst of all- like you need to explain your point of view to your WW, you are flat out giving her way too much power. They don't care about your point of view. They just want to remain in control of your emotional life. This is a power you don't have to give them.
I wanted to start a thread with real life examples of spew I've received, along with my response. I'm also happy to have others post spew they've received if they need help finding an appropriate response that isn't reactive. The only problem is that I haven't received any spewy texts lately, probably because I stopped playing the game with XW. OH WAIT! Just got one! Perfect, time to kick this thread off!
The situation: I have 50% parental time, so the kids live with me equally. My mom moved in with me over a year ago to help with the kids since as she is retired and I work full time. We've formed a great family unit, the kids love their grandmother, she enjoys being part of our family, all is good. The only strain is that she doesn't like my XW, and my XW doesn't like her.
So the other day my mom decided to get my two daughters hair cuts. Now this was probably a little provocative. She probably should have asked my permission, and I probably would've advised against it since traditionally my XW has taken the lead on the girls' hair. Maybe my mom was trying to stir the pot. Maybe she just thought they needed haircuts and since she is an adult that lives with them just got it done. Whatever. Point is that this set XW off.
My XW's texts to me: #1 I thought we were to tell each other before altering kids appearances or getting their hair cut. I'm not happy that your mom got it cut. D7's was just starting to grow out. I don't approve of their grandmother deciding their looks when it should be agreed on by their parents, not something a grandmother decides in split families.
#2 The windchill is -13 now and it's the middle of winter, yet you decide to cut our daughters hair off of her neck when I know she doesn't always wear her scarf and it's cold in their school. One thing in the summer, another when it's below zero and there is no consent from the other parent. I'm tired of your mom making decisions over my head. I'm not ok with this.
My reaction: OK, so let me share the thoughts that went through my head when I read this: Great. Here we go again. My mom should know better than to pester the ol' honey badger. I'll probably just respond with something like "agreed, I'll talk to her".
What's this? A second message? WTF. Could she be any more confrontational and pissy? Wait a second. What's this about 'parents agreeing'? She's never asked me once about what type of haircuts she gives the girls. Do I not have a voice in this? Or do we need to agree on haircuts going forward? What if we don't? Do I get my way half the time? Or do I just lose by default? What am I talking about, this is not a serious issue, we're not talking tattoos. What's she going to do, take me back to court because the girls hair was cut? How does she know my mom didn't ask my permission and I gave the ok? And if I did, don't I have as much a right to as she does? Maybe she should have thought about this before she wanted to split the family.
I get where she's coming from and don't really object to her being in the driver's seat of the girls' hair, but I also don't appreciate being spewed at and think her tone is a bigger issue than the haircut.
If I try to ask how we are going to work out haircuts in the future it will lead down a dead end road. If I try to argue that I get a say in the kids haircuts it's going to open up a bunch of arguing about why her hair styles are better or something. In the end this just isn't a big deal and I don't have time for it, nor do I want to send the message that she can fly off the handle at me and get whatever she wants. I'm not interested in talking with someone that is ranting at me.
My reply:Nothing. That's right. I'm moving on. If she wants to take me to court over a haircut I'll have to do some homework and find an amazing defense attorney.
That said, I will talk to my mom and ask her to check with me ahead of time. I will mention to XW any hairstyle changes in the future. Why? Because I think that's reasonable, and I think that's the right thing to do.
But I don't feel the need to apologize, explain, be drawn into an argument, or reward my XW's attempt to start a fight. I'll ignore her and just make the adjustments I think are right and move forward. If she wants to discuss this she can try again with a reasonable tone. Game over.
I hope you all learned something from this. Please post you favorite spew attack and I'm happy to share my thoughts on how to reply. This one was easy because no reply is hard to mess up. But sometimes you do need to reply without reacting. I've got good practice and am happy to help. Hopefully we can get some good tools for dealing with spew assaults. Who's next?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
FYI- I just reread my post and in a vacuum her texts aren't all that spewy. It's part of a non-stop bigger picture in which every communication she sends is critical and outraged about something or other. And never a glimpse of appreciation for anything I do on the parenting side. I can help my son improve his grades, get my daughter her eye exam, help them with their school work, get their violin rented and paid for, take them to their practices, all without a word. But on a weekly basis she is upset about something, real or fictional. It's fatiguing and I'm not going to play. That's the context from where I've reached the point of not replying.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
The thing about spew I have noticed is that it was much worse in the beginning and I get it now when things are not going well in my H's life. When he is happy as a clam, I hear nothing. When things aren't going his way, he messes with something to get me to contact him so he can get some supply from a big messy fight. I do now, as you did, and do nothing. I certainly hope this angers him, but at least it stops the spew.
I don't know how you guys cope. The wives seem to hang around for the most part and want to be in your face with the kids. The husbands typically just disappear so we get to do what we want with the kids.
I have seen this not firsthand but close secondhand with my best friend, who's STBXW is both 1) VERY wayward and also 2) My own W's bff.
Everything bad that happens is the H's fault. He can literally do no right. All of his interactions with the kids are damaging disasters. And H himself is difficult and unreasonable d-head.
Let's just forget that his WW cheated on him. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four times. The last two with the dude who at the time was supposedly my buddy's best friend. And now the W is attempting to pick up and uproot the kids (youngest is 6) for the second time in two years to move to Florida so she can be closer to her AP. But the H is the one who is being "unreasonable" and "hurtful".
Funny thing is, until this past November, when my buddy was caught in the throes of appeasement and enablement, his WW repeatedly told my W that he (H) was being "just amazing". Funny how things changed once my buddy wised up and his WW stopped getting her way on everything...
And she pretty much daily (or at least was until the past couple of weeks when I think my W trimmed down their contact quite a bit) was spewing this stuff to anyone who would listen... and also constantly trashing my friend and attacking him directly whenever they spoke or corresponded.
The one big mistake my buddy continues to make, even as he has kicked her to the curb (he is now dating her AP's STBXW, lol) and stopped giving in to all her demands, is that he continues to engage/explain/argue/justify when she spews. Hopefully he'll learn...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I've heard from other sources that my W has said to them that there's nothing wrong with me and I've been a good husband. This was in mid summer. Few months later I was was the worst hubby that ever walked on this planet. But still W told that I've been a great dad. Yet she spews about me doing things wrong with them. That has decreased, thank God. Alltogether the spews have decreased. I don't respond to them at all anymore. In the beginning I did and it just made things worse. Even if my response was "I'm not getting in to this now".
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
I decided to reply after all. I went with "Got it. I'll check with you next time."
I talked to my mom and she explained it was just a trim, not like a change of hairstyle. But she's fine with this. And I recalled that XW did check with me before cutting D7s hair once before. So this is fine.
Bottom line, I responded in a way that gave her the information she needed (how we'll move forward with haircuts) without being drawn into the spew.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Good response - Here's how I dealt with my WAH's spew (mind, our kids were grown): it was in the old days of flip phones and if he called and was spewing on the phone, I would just clap that phone shut. If he called back I'd just say "sorry, I must have driven through a cell phone hole".
Eventually I trained him to only email, which was much less stressful to deal with than text or phone. Also, I kept in mind the dog training tip: Reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones.
