Hi - first time posting. Going through a rough time right now as I discovered my W planning an affair with OM last week. Although we’ve been separated for 4 years, it really shook me up to come across text messages that she thinking about OM and wants to get together with him, perhaps go on trip to NYC together. I discovered this while on a family vacation with our 2 boys. A vacation where I had hoped we would reconnect and start anew … yeah right!
I know who the guy is she’s hooking up with, and to make matters worse, he’s is in a relationship and has a family of 3. It shocked me to see that my W would pursue a married man with a family, or let herself be pursued. There’s just no good that can come from that.
I’m struggling on whether or not to expose my knowledge of this, and if so how and to who. Any suggestions are welcome!!!
I’ve read DB, gone through telephone coaching, and had made some progress in getting a more amicable relationship with my W. But I now realize that I’ve been foolhardy to think my WAW intends to reconcile.
Reading through Sandi2’s posts, I totally have been guilty of “nice guy syndrome” and I have made it WAY too easy for my W to have her cake and eat it too. She’s got me playing the role of husband/father, and now has another guy to be her lover. Well, guess what? No more Mr. Nice guy!
Started with GAL strategy as I know I need it for my mental stability. Immediately she takes note of the fact that I’m not catering to her needs, asks if I’m mad at her … I just say no, I’m tired. She starts asking questions about who I’m going out with in the evenings etc. I’m definitely pulling back, although we do have the kids to co-parent. Just struggling with whether to expose her antics or not. She’s a great manipulator and doesn’t take well to people calling her out on her crap at all.
----------------------- Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. Actually feeling pretty good about GAL. Hit the gym and went for a swim this evening, and have evening plans with friends lined up. Will read through the Detachment thread you provided now.
—————————————————— Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Like Amoafwl, I'm curious about the logistics of the 4 year separation. Sounds like Chinese water torture.
For NGS, if you're interested in working on that aspect, I suggest you find an official NMMNG meeting, or an unofficial NGS support group. Being with a bunch of like-minded guys can be really helpful. Let me know if you need more info on that.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
We have 2 kids on the autism spectrum and pour a significant portion of finances into the kid’s private schooling, therefore when we physically separated, I moved in with my parents as I could not afford my own place. The kids live with her in what was the family home.
For the first several months, we tried marriage counselling, but it became clear that she felt that the counsellor was siding with me, and we ended it.
We have frequent contact, occasionally there are days with no contact. Several days a week I’ll have dinner, most weekends I’m around the house doing stuff with the kids. More often than not we engage in conversation not just about the kids, but whatever is going on. So there’s quite a bit of family time.
Vacation was to be a family getaway, and a way for her to let go of something negative that had been her life (non-marriage issue). She was saying she wanted to come back fresh from her vacation and leave the bad stuff behind.
I’m not dating. She’s not dating, or at least has never spoke about it.
—————————————————— Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
I’ve never heard of a NMMNG meeting before … interesting. I know that I’ve been too nice and that she’s taking advantage of it. In part I do it because I want to see the kids all the time, and secondly because I honestly thought that by listening to her, helping her with things around the house would help her see that I’ve changed. I believe her love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation. The more I showed this side, the more amicable she would be, she’d ask me to come over more often for dinner and such. I wrongly took this as a positive step forward in our R.
But I’m afraid that she now thinks she has me as a confident friend/husband without intimacy, and she is seeking the relationship elsewhere.
Seeing evidence of her being/planning with OM, has really shook me up … or perhaps woke me up that change needs to happen.
Question I’m struggling with is whether to reveal to her I know what she’s up to with this OM?
—————————————————— Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
My initial reaction was anger as I felt betrayed. Couldn’t sleep properly for days. When I’d think about it, I’d tightly clench my fist wanting to fight back. I needed to know a bit more about who this OM was. Found out he’s in a R. He has a kid from previous R, and his partner has kids from her previous R. So here’s this guy in at least his 2nd R, and he’s doing this. But my jaw dropped that my W would get involved with a guy that’s in a R and has a family. I’m thinking, seriously, you’re ok being a home wrecker?
My gut now is to go dark, use the LRT with the exception of the kids. What i’m Struggling with is whether to expose to her what i know. It may exacerbate things if she feels threatened that her fairytale romance is under attack. Also, part of me feels like the OM’s W deserves to know.
—————————————————— Married: 12 Together: 14 Me:41 W:42 S:11 S:8 Bomb dropped 2/2014 I moved out 5/2014 No formal separation Discovered A: 1/2018
