Caught my wife of 19 years in an online, emotional affair. When I confronted her she immediately told me she didn't want to be married anymore.
Found out she had dating profiles on 2 different datings sites, had sent this younger man 3 sets of nude pictures, and other destructive and completely out of character behavior.
Thursday night talking to her about recently sending messages to younger men on a dating site, she said exasperatedly "I don't know what I am doing!"
A lightbulb went on in my head. She's been on Zoloft for 10 years and Wellbutrin for 5. Couple that with a midlife crisis (she turns 50 next month) and bam. I googled antidepressants and infidelity and the hits were off the chart, including this thread:
I talked to her about all of this and she is open to discussing weaning herself off of the meds with her doctor to see if that makes a difference. Why isn't this more commonly known!? How many lives have been ruined due to these drugs??
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Excellent reads! Thanks Cadet. I definitely think I have a wayward wife.
I can give more details of my situation as others are interested. Obviously these things are complex and multilayered. But wow, that reading was really eye opening.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
While we've had intimacy and connections issues for years, the problem really started in earnest about 5 months ago. When my daughter went back to school my wife found herself wasting time on a few smartphone apps.
First was an online karaoke app. She would spend 5-6 hours a day on that app. She also started playing two online game apps.
All of these apps included being able to message with the people you were singing and playing with. The result was that she began to get very flirtatious with other guys, mostly younger guys.
By time I discovered all of this, at least one of these flirtatious relationships turned into a full blown emotional affair. I found messages between her and him on Facebook messenger, they suggested photos had been sent and they had discussed certain things his girlfriend wouldn't be happy with. and she had been looking up apartments in the area.
When I confronted her she said he was just a friend, that pics were just headshots, and that she didn't want to be married anymore. That she wanted to get a job, her own apartment and get divorced. (But we could still be friends, raise our daughter, and even date!)
I did all of the wrong things. Panicked, begged, pleaded, reasoned. Etc.
But by day 3 I had remembered Michelle's advice, I found other resources and I backed off and started letting go. Almost immediately she started to back down from her statement.
Since then I have found 3 sets of nudes she sent the guy. Further, while that EA ended, she had started another one with a guy in Florida. She was being much more careful this time though since she got hurt by the first guy. This guy was all into it though, his messages were very suggestive, and apparently he had sent her a pic (you can imagine what of).
I confronted her about the new evidence and she quickly began to spiral emotionally. Now she is on a roller-coaster ride, but as her delusions keep getting shattered (the first guy moving on, my finding about the second guy, my telling her that her fantasy of a magically wonderful divorce process was impossible), she reluctantly has been moving back toward the marriage.
I'll add more later, but that is enough for now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, reluctantly moving back towards the marriage? Sounds more like a spoiled teenager who just got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to do—but really has no remorse about what she has done or plans to change except to cover it up better.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Steve, reluctantly moving back towards the marriage? Sounds more like a spoiled teenager who just got caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to do—but really has no remorse about what she has done or plans to change except to cover it up better.
Gordie you are right. She has stated that she is remorseful she got caught more than being remorseful for her actions.
Sunday morning we had a discussion about her need to flirt and to reach out to guys on the game and karaoke apps that she frequents. She said admitted she had a problem, and when I suggested she just play the games and sing without the social interaction she said she wouldn't enjoy it as much.
Yesterday she was depressed all day. Very sad, withdrawn, and uncommunicative. She finally said she had sung one last song on the karaoke app, and that she had uninstalled the app and the 2 games that she messaged people on.
Obviously there are more ways she can remain in contact, especially with this other guy, but she seems to be trying to make changes. Of course, I have major trust issues now so I am still leery of all of this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I went through an experience much like your W. I was very depressed, on AD's, and as a way of escaping boredom, I began playing computer games. Eventually, I became brave enough to try an online game. In the beginning, whenever anyone tried to flirt, I would immediately disconnect from the game. Then one night this really funny guy was playing. He never said anything inappropriate. We soon were playing the game nearly every evening when I got home from work. It was easy talking and laughing with him. It wasn't long until I realized I could hardly wait to get online and talk with him. In fact, it became more talk than game playing. He was filling an emotional need I had had for a long time.
He warned me about falling in love with him, and I laughed and called him arrogant. Fact is, he was far more experienced about how easily EA's begin from something as simple as playing online games. It's not the game, it the rapport you build with the other person. I was not in love with him, but he filled a very lonely part in my life at the time. Anyway, he stopped connecting, and I was confused by the feelings I was experiencing. I am embarrassed to say that I was soon looking for someone else to fill that hole I felt he had left. It led to behavior that was completely opposite of the person I had always been in life.
Eventually, my H discovered my online activity. By then, I was having an EA...or Internet A, if you will. It had become serious.......at least, for me. I say serious, b/c of the emotional/mental state I was in at the time. I, too, was anti-depressants, along with other medication. I had been yanked around with doctors trying to find something to help me cope with Fibromyalgia. At the time, it seemed every doctor had their own theory about the illness. So, one doctor would put in on too much medication, and the next doctor would pull me off everything at once, cold turkey.
How much this had to do with my decisions and behavior, I really don't know. My M had been suffering for years. We had been dealing with several serious stressors for a long time. Then, my adult D and grandchild had to move in with us for a while, and that seemed to have been the straw that broke my back. I had an overwhelming desire to escape. In hindsight, I can see how everything worked together in making the dominos fall.
I have never used the medication as an excuse, and I take full responsibility for my actions. I believe everything that was going on with me, and everything going on around me, was a heavy influence. However, I was still on medication as I went through withdrawals. By that, I don't mean withdrawals from the AD's, but from the EA with the OM........and especially, the fantasy I created to escape my reality.
Your W is addicted to all of this online activity that she has created to fill her life. I learned the hard way, that a person can do one thing that may be considered a little "no-no".......like flirting with a faceless stranger you'll probably never meet.......and it forms a desire to do more. In other words, when you give in to a smaller temptation, you become more receptive to bigger temptations. Just like a drug that gets you high, it requires you going further and taking more. In order to get the same thrill, you have to get bolder, try new & daring things. Before you know it, you are off into something that you never dreamed of doing. It's all to just get a cheap feel-good moment. It's similar to going to a bar and looking at what's out there. A hookup usually begins with flirting, but look at where it can lead. The danger with meeting online, is the false sense of protection you feel on this side of the computer, but that's another subject.
Your W may not be able to ever engage in the online activities, and use the apps that leads her into unbidden territory. Currently, it is a temptation that she can not handle. She will have to completely stay away from everything that opens a door to that sort of activity. It may sound ridiculous to people who have never had the experience. It is real, and we are hearing more and more tragic results from this sort of activity.......especially in MR's.
It wasn't just the online junk I had to end. I gave up reading romantic novels, as well. Surprisingly, even my H could tell they were having some type of affect on my attitude toward him. You may ask what on earth is wrong with romantic novels. Nothing is wrong with them, just as there is nothing wrong with playing an innocent computer game. But for me, it fed my fantasies. I had a lot of unmet emotional needs in my MR, and I hungered for a man like I read about in the stories. After years of reading these novels, it actually caused me to see my H in a more critical light, b/c I was comparing him to some fictional character. I know how immature or slightly insane this must sound, and it is difficult for me to share this truth. I only do it in hopes that others will learn something from it.
The bottom line is that I had a wayward mindset. That was the foundation to most of the other problems. Although for years I had conducted myself as the proper Christian W and mother, however, I was very unhappy in my MR. I had tried to do everything I could learn that would improve things, but nothing changed my H. That was what I wanted, really, for him to change. Anyway, I slowly gave up and began retreating into my fantasies........which can have a serious outcome. I was one of the lucky or blessed people, that something worse did not happen as a result from the online stuff. And, my M was saved.......thanks to God, and to finding this board that had the mentors I needed.
We don't have much history about your MR, but I would bet she had resentment and some disrespect stored in her heart for some time. The depression and effects from the wrong AD's rapidly intensified problems.......and perhaps played a part in her behavior. Currently, you are left with a W in a mess! I wish you all the luck in the world. It will not be easy for either of you, but she can get back on the right track......and your M can be saved.
I hope you will stick with us, and post often. This forum has a lot of caring folks.
.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thanks. Wow you nailed everything pretty much on the head. Funny you mention being a Christian W, since both my wife and I are devout Christians in a very conservative church. Which makes this all the more difficult as I am dealing and coping without much support in order to try to help her save face. I think having to rebuild her standing in the church would be an obstacle to great for her to bear, and she wouldn't be able come back to the M if she has too much work to do.
She is a runner. She will run away from conflict and people she disappoints every chance she gets. She doesn't handle stress well, and feels that once she disappoints a person there is no way to rebuild solid footing. Which is a lot of our problems. I think part of it is that she holds grudges herself. So she assumes others can't get over past grievances either. (I know, antithetical to Christian doctrine of sin and forgiveness.)
She does seem to have recognized her problem and does seem to want to correct it. However, she still has this tug of wanting what she wants, regardless of whom it hurts. Wayward for sure. I think I caught it before it was full on scorched earth, but she has set up so many fantasy for what her future life can be that she can't seem to want to face the truth of reality.
And the turning 50 next month seems to be a big sticking point for her as well.
Depression and ADs + Wayward + Midlife Crisis + an Imperfect H (it sounds I am very similar to the way you H was) = PERFECT STORM
Sometimes I wonder if it is too much to overcome? Anyone know how long a typical female MLC lasts? I have begun to change the Imperfect H (in fact last week she said I have been being awesome lately). I am hoping she will wean off the ADs, and that will help with the waywardness IF we can keep her depression in check.
Why does this all have to be so difficult?!?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
