I'm Broken III

[bhappy2]

I sent H a text this morning.

"The party was a success. Talking to the other moms as they dropped off the girls...saying words like "my husband", or "our house", "we love hosting"...knowing I don't have a husband and nothing is "ours",

Your happiness is just around the corner... I can see it. Why, bc you are getting to the point of seeing through H's BS.

knowing we have S17's 18th birthday, his graduation, D15's sweet 16 and none of it will be what it should be deep down. We'll be experiencing it all as separate instead of the sweetness of together.

You have these parties and have the best time ever if H doesnt want to be a family then thats on him. You make your D's sweet 16 the best possible. Hold your head high and do the right thing for your family... right now he is not bc a family member would not treat another member this way.

You're so stupid for throwing away everything we had. I've never even heard of such a display of pure egotistical foolishness let alone seen it with my own eyes. You send me texts like "I've never done anything wrong"...to hurt you...26 years and you've been perfect but the first to announce that one doesn't get to decide for themselves whether or not they've caused the level of hurt the other professes. You're so stupid it's just beyond anything I hope you're happy with this effed up version of a family. Talk about a broken family. We're already broken. Shattered. What a waste."

So yeah. There's that.

You are really emotional, I caution you to not text when feeling like this... I know you really do not want advice but this was tough to read. I can feel the anger in your writing. Dont do it, be the better person... GAL like crazy... live for your children. This site is about saving marraiges, it didnt take me long to realize it was to save me. I really had to work hard at realizing there is so much more to life, I do not need my W in my life, I wanted her but I do not need. Big difference.

[HelenaJ]

I know. I am emotional and I am angry....but the anger is because weve lost so much. He hasnt really seen my anger yet and I felt like he needed to hear what I was feeling. I wont send another one though. One angry text is definitely enough and arguably one too many.

[OneArt]

Helena,

I've read bits and pieces of your story. I spent a good 6-8 years living with mine in the house (can't really even remember when it all began, suddenly there was just an emptiness there), doing everything and anything to keep him there "for the kids."

Finally, with the disclosure of a long affair and then carrying it out in my face and the coldness and nastiness to me and the kids. It was too much. I kicked him out. Came home one day and he was here. Gave him another chance. He blew it within days. One of the kids finally said I had to make him leave.

We've all been so much happier since he's gone.

I'm still not out and through, but I know now that my days are what I make them. I know that he can only destroy me as much as I let him. I know that the stupid things he does to remind me that he is still there are a sign of his disordered behavior. They aren't love, they aren't caring. There is no hope there.

I guess I don't understand why you are living like this and how you think it is good for the kids. If he is a good dad now he will probably be a better one away from all the drama and pain.

As I see it, you have two choices: 1) leave or kick him out; 2) decide that you are not going to let him and what he is doing or isn't doing define your happiness any longer. Remember, you can either change your situation or change how you feel about it (but only over the parts you control).

Both of you seem determined to gut it out. For what? Why are you letting him hold you hostage?

[bhappy2]

I know. I am emotional and I am angry....but the anger is because weve lost so much. He hasnt really seen my anger yet and I felt like he needed to hear what I was feeling. I wont send another one though. One angry text is definitely enough and arguably one too many.

Some concerns should be why you feel like you lost so much, you have so much more to look forward to. You accepted the way he treated you for so long that it became a way of life, your guilt drove you to accept this. Like many of us here have said you do not deserve a life sentence for what you did. You have already acknowledged what you did was wrong, now he should have decided to work on the marriage or not. If what you did was so outrageous then he should have moved on, he chose a different course of action and that was to torment you. He needs help, an IC for him would do wonders.

On a different note, have you ever gone to Cape Charles? My friend just bought a condo there and asked me to visit. If you have ever gone whats there to do... besides all the great restaurants.

I ran 20 miles this week, I am going for 25 next week. Lets step it up you have to catch your son.

Be well...peace.

[HelenaJ]

Finally, with the disclosure of a long affair and then carrying it out in my face and the coldness and nastiness to me and the kids. It was too much.

My H would not have an A, I would fall over dead from shock if that ever happened for a lot of different reasons. He is not perfect but he likes to act like he is.

I guess I don't understand why you are living like this and how you think it is good for the kids.

I wanted to leave but H convinced me that is the most selfish thing in the world, told me it was "child abuse" and that I would be messing up my kids....his texts about it got very mean and he started referring to the kids as "my" kids, etc. In addition to that, I'm afraid my children will be angry with me. There are a few examples on this board of kids who are very angry with the parent who left. Some people think marriage is to be saved at all costs and that to walk away makes you a horrible person who evidently doesn't even deserve the love of their own children. In addition to that, my H is all I've ever known and I'm afraid that I will regret leaving for the rest of my life. In addition to that, I still love him and can't bear the thought of him being with someone else or having to share my kids with a stepmom. Or having to introduce my children to another man...who they might not like or god forbid could hurt them in some way. I'm filled with fear because if I leave it will be even more up an uphill battle with H than it is now. He will fight me every step of the way and I just don't have the energy for that kind of negativity....I just don't know if I can do it.

Remember, you can either change your situation or change how you feel about it (but only over the parts you control).

I've been trying to change how I feel about it. I've made a lot of progress honestly. At least in my daily life. When new events come up or we have to go somewhere or I have to talk about things as though they are normal I tend to still get emotional. There have been several events over the past 8 months that have been very, very difficult to experience under the circumstances of how things are between us.

If he is a good dad now he will probably be a better one away from all the drama and pain.

There's not a ton of drama. And H is really really good at acting like he couldn't care less about what is happening between us. He would never show me that he's in any kind of pain. Ever. He would rather me think that I am not worth being upset over, that's how he plays the game. That's how he's always played the game.

Both of you seem determined to gut it out. For what? Why are you letting him hold you hostage?

He says it's for the kids. For me, I believe we could give the kids more love and attention even separated than most kids get in families that are together, but only if we worked together. I feel like H would fight me so much that I'm not sure we'd be able to coparent very well and that would not be good for the kids. And because being in H's approval is where I've tried to stay my whole life. He's very ugly when he's angry at me but otherwise he can be very thoughtful and giving. He gets angry at stupid things sometimes because he really is pretty controlling, but it's worth the effort to stay on his good side because the alternative is not fun. Doing something intentionally that I know will spark his wrath is a very scary path for me....he has a lot of control over me emotionally because I was so young when we met and because I still love him.

[HelenaJ]

Some concerns should be why you feel like you lost so much

The years we've spent in this house have really been good years, minus the 4.5 years since the company party so that would be about 5.5 years. Those were our best years together, I was happy. I would never EVER have done anything to put me back in this situation because what I went through so many years ago left me with PTSD that would give anyone nightmares. I cannot believe that I am back in this situation.....I just never saw it coming.

you have so much more to look forward to

If it were just me, I really do believe this. But it's not just my happiness that I have to look out for and I just don't know what is best.

your guilt drove you to accept this

True, and a lack of self worth that plagued me from my childhood but I had really gotten past so much of that as I've gotten older. But there was a lot of "trauma bonding" with my H when he and I met. It's really kind of sick and I don't know if it's worth getting into here or at this stage of my healing, but it bonded me to him in a way that only a very damaged young lady would have tolerated. I feel so bad for her and wish I would have known that I deserved better. Such is life.

If what you did was so outrageous then he should have moved on, he chose a different course of action and that was to torment you.

He always says it's for the kids. He makes it sound so noble. He'll say "you think I wanted this? You think I *wanted* a wife I can't trust? I have accepted that this is how you are, that I cannot trust you with my heart. But my kids are more important than my happiness." And so it is.

On a different note, have you ever gone to Cape Charles?

No, I believe it's on the Eastern shore and it's on the way to the YMCA summer camp that my kids go to and my boss mentioned it a year or so ago saying that it's really a quaint little town. I put it on my list of things to do but that list of things to do with H has gotten lost to say the least, lol. Anyway, it sounded like a cool little place, so you should definitely check it out if the opportunity arises. I hear they have darts there too

I ran 20 miles this week, I am going for 25 next week. Lets step it up you have to catch your son.

Good job!! I will not be catching my son in this lifetime! It's been so freaking humid ugh. But yes ok, I'll try to get some miles this week!

On another note, Tuesday I am meeting with the two surgeons who will be performing my surgery in the next month or so and I'm really hoping they can find and eliminate whatever has been causing my abdominal pain. Fingers crossed.

[LoneWlf]

I'm afraid my children will be angry with me. There are a few examples on this board of kids who are very angry with the parent who left. Some people think marriage is to be saved at all costs and that to walk away makes you a horrible person who evidently doesn't even deserve the love of their own children.

Helena, I can see this creates a lot of turmoil for you and I feel you may be referring to my sitch in regards to my S being upset at his mom for giving up. What I can tell you is that I feel that my S is wiser beyond his years. One of the reasons is that we regularly attend mass every Sunday. He has been able to determine from the teachings of Mom and Dad and the church what is right from what is wrong. I feel that since there has been no beating,cheating or abuse even no signs of friction between us in front of him. I have never even sworn or cussed at my W for I feel I need to respect the mother of my child. So he probably feels that what we had was good or at least repairable. He saw that W did not even want to try MC at his request. I know it is not up to him but that is why he is mad. I'm not sure all kids would view it like this. I do know -I try to facilitate a relationship but will not force one upon him- that is for him and her to figure out. I have read your response and I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I do hope that things work out for you and your family. Try and stay grounded and stable and keep positive. Blessings!

[arsh18]

Dear Helena, your pain come through so well in these posts. I understand you are at cross roads, you are struggling between your emotions and your values. In your case it has been prolonged to a long time. I wish there was an easy solution but the earlier post you had written had clarity in it. I feel it is okay sometimes to let things be, to let time unravel what it holds, you have your beautiful children to support and enjoy. But we can only support you, only you know your pain and endurance. Sending you hugs and strength

[OneArt]

I think a big problem here is that you are listening to what he says and internalizing it. When I found out about the affair I told him to leave the house and never come back. He said he would sleep in the driveway, and did one night. I got scared and let him stay.

He said that we should get divorced and never tell the children. He said he would work away a week and come back a week. I told him he was insane. He then accused me of blowing up the family. He said that whatever happened to this kids was on me. At times he has tried to get me to move closer to where he lives, even though he lives in driving distance and never comes to see the kids anymore.

I bet your kids know far, far more than you think. My kids knew so many things and were keeping it in. When the you know what hit the fan they came forward to tell me what they knew, including things I did not. They could accurately pinpoint exactly when the wheels came off. I was still in a fog about that.

I'm not trying to tell you to leave him. I'm really not. But I am telling you to stop living this way and to stop living in fear. Your fear is what is holding you back. We have all been there. We all get it. What if your wrong. What if you are all happier. What if he finally gets the damage he is doing. What if he finally appreciates how bad it has become.

Your kids are older, at least some of them as I recall. You can go to counseling with them and with him to work on family dynamics. In the course of that, you might allay some of your fears about the kids knowing and even how they might process their feelings.

My H had multiple affairs. He used the kids as an excuse to conduct as least one of them. When they found out, he ran from the house like a chicken and wouldn't talk to them about their feelings. When he showed up months later with his tail between his legs they forgave him. They gave him another shot, and another, and another. He keeps letting them down. They will keep giving him chances.

Your kids hating you is not going to happen. They may be hurt, they may be afraid, but they would adjust. What they may not forgive is the example of parents gutting it out in a miserable family. One icy cold function after another. I know you love him and want him work, but it really does take two. You are in control of whether you keep your heart open for him.

He is a grudge-holder and a score-keeper. When is that going to end? You said before you would separate to consider saving your marriage. I think you should give that some thought. You think you are saving your marriage by staying, but I told you my example, and please read up on HaWho. See what happened with her.

You don't know what will happen, no one does. You just know what you are doing now is not working. How can a scab ever form and become a scar if you peck at the wound every single day. How will you have peace. How will he have a chance to see what life would be without you.

[bhappy2]

you have so much more to look forward to

If it were just me, I really do believe this. But it's not just my happiness that I have to look out for and I just don't know what is best.

You are using your children as an excuse, you want what we all want one big happy family where everyone gets along in a loving environment... are you getting that? NO...so work needs to be done. You can work on this alone and you should if H doesnt want to.

your guilt drove you to accept this

True, and a lack of self worth that plagued me from my childhood but I had really gotten past so much of that as I've gotten older. But there was a lot of "trauma bonding" with my H when he and I met. It's really kind of sick and I don't know if it's worth getting into here or at this stage of my healing, but it bonded me to him in a way that only a very damaged young lady would have tolerated. I feel so bad for her and wish I would have known that I deserved better. Such is life.

This right here is very importantant, you really need to speak with a counselor to help sort out these issues from the past.

On a different note, have you ever gone to Cape Charles?

No, I believe it's on the Eastern shore and it's on the way to the YMCA summer camp that my kids go to and my boss mentioned it a year or so ago saying that it's really a quaint little town. I put it on my list of things to do but that list of things to do with H has gotten lost to say the least, lol. Anyway, it sounded like a cool little place, so you should definitely check it out if the opportunity arises. I hear they have darts there too

Looks like I am going in late September, and I will bring my darts.

I ran 20 miles this week, I am going for 25 next week. Lets step it up you have to catch your son.

Good job!! I will not be catching my son in this lifetime! It's been so freaking humid ugh. But yes ok, I'll try to get some miles this week!

Yes he is quite fast... but we can try...lol

On another note, Tuesday I am meeting with the two surgeons who will be performing my surgery in the next month or so and I'm really hoping they can find and eliminate whatever has been causing my abdominal pain. Fingers crossed.

I hope everything goes well, keep us informed.

Just so you are aware I do know the race you ran, I am very familiar with this race and all the races that weekend. I belong to two running clubs. So I did see you and your sons time. This site is about anonymity, but I just wanted you to know. If you want I can let you know who I am as well.