Hi. This is my first post. I apologize in advance for the length. I guess I want to share as much as I can but I also find it therapeutic to write it down.
My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married 7 of those years. We were friends for 10 years prior to dating. I'm 42 and he's 38. We have a 5 year old and 2 year old. When we were friends he always had a crush on me. I wasn't interested. That changed one night when we both went out and had a bit too much to drink. Honestly, I was hesitant at first to get into a relationship with him as I didn't have a strong physical attraction, but that changed over time. I fell in love with him. We had what I thought was an "easy" relationship in that we didn't fight too much and got along well. However, he would regularly tell me that he felt like I settled, stemming from the fact that I initially didn't have a strong interest in him. I would always tell him it wasn't true.
Five years ago, we moved to a new city for his job. We didn't know anyone here and we were new parents with a 2 month old. I went into post-partum depression for about a year. He didn't know how to handle it. He was stressed with his new job and came home every night to a sad wife. I also had medical problems that caused a lot of physical pain. I noticed then that he started to emotionally detach from me but we continued on with our life and marriage.
Two years ago when I was pregnant with our second child he told me he had not been happy for awhile but he couldn't communicate why other than he thought we lost our connection. We tried to work on things on our own but it didn't improve. At the end of last year we started to see a marriage counselor, whom we saw for six months. She helped him communicate what was making him unhappy - he felt I settled and never made him feel wanted, he thought our marriage was just content but there was no passion or adventure, I lost my sense of self since going through depression and no longer having my career, I was too emotional and needy. At the same time, I felt him detaching more. He was rarely spending time at home. He was always short with me and would criticize me a lot. We were having regular sex, but he felt like I wasn't adventurous enough.
Three months ago I discovered he was having an affair for the past year with a woman who was also married. Upon learning this, he ended the affair and we tried to work on things...That lasted for a week. He said he needed to move out, separate, get some space and alone time and figure things out. I did not want him to leave and begged him to stay. He moved out last month and we share 50/50 custody of the kids. He's currently in a one year lease and has pretty much furnished his house like a permanent home. He is not seeing this woman as she is going through things with her husband figuring things out too, but he tells me he texts with her about every other week and can't guarantee they will never come together again.
We see each other once or twice a week to exchange the kids and also have "family" dinners. And yes, we have slept together a few times. Some days he'll tell me that he still has hope for us but he doesn't know how this will end. That he's scared to come back to me because it might be the same old thing so he needs to be sure and wants me to be sure as well (he thinks I also need to find myself). On "good" days he's told me to be patient and that the odds are high he'll return. He said he also needs to get over his hurt and resentment (though he cheated on me) towards me. However, there have been many times where he either gets frustrated with me because I've been needy (crying, begging, pleading, texting too much) or, when I've actually acted like I didn't care and then he felt insecure because he didn't have control of the situation. When this happens, he tells me he no longer has hope for us and threatens to file for divorce the next day. He just goes hot and cold on me. The days I have the kids and he's "free" it's radio silence from him. He doesn't text or call and if I reach out to him he doesn't respond. However, the days he has the kids and I'm free, he's constantly texting me to find out what I'm doing or who I'm with. He regularly tries to make me jealous by telling me he's slept with other women. He's told me he's going to have a "friend" over at his house after the kids are asleep and I find out later from my son that it wasn't a woman, it was his guy pal, and he just told me that to make me jealous. It's bizarre that he needs to make me jealous when he's the one who cheated on me and left me.
I reached my breaking point the other day when he was packing up more stuff from the garage. I said it seems like he's never coming back. He said he didn't know what was going to happen in the future but he's operating like he's not coming back. I got needy again and he calmly told me that he is never, ever coming back. It's the first time he said this and in such a calm manner. Then, an hour later, he tells me he doesn't know what's going to happen in the future. He's also aware that I met someone whom I've been on a few dates with. The other night when he had the kids he kept texting me to see what I was doing. He even sent me a message at midnight to check in. The next morning when he dropped off the kids, he grabbed me and kissed me passionately. Then as he left he proceeded to try to make me jealous by telling me he was going away for the weekend so he'd be unavailable.
I am emotionally exhausted by what seems like his confusion or a game that he is playing. Yet, I willingly participate in this game. After he left I decided I was no longer going to be the pursuer. I have not texted or called him in the last two days, which I'm sure he was not expecting. I honestly don't know what to believe from him - if there's hope or not. I realize after three months of begging and pleading and not really getting anywhere other than being part of his game that maybe I should try the 180 but part of me feels like I really should just walk away and file for divorce. If I had any self respect I would given he was not the best husband and he lied to me and cheated on me. Part of me doesn't even know if he's holding off on filing for divorce because I'm currently looking for a job. If he files now he'd have to pay more alimony. So who knows what his intentions are.
So I guess I'm just looking for a different perspective than my own on this and maybe for someone to slap some sense into me. Thanks for reading.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm guessing those are your initials, how cryptic...heehee.
Sorry you're here. It sounds like there's a lot of feelings from both you and your husband. Anger, resentment, jealous, confusion. You're both playing games. You're both teetering back and forth. You've been doing this for some time, you need to gain some clarity on what you want out of this. And then see if dating other people align's with what you want out of it.
You're going to hear this a lot: DETACH. Emotionally distancing yourself from your husband's craziness and games will allow you to make decisions based off of your values as opposed to his crazy emotions.
The "family dinners" when you aren't a family is cake eating. It's up to you to decide what to do about it.
You go on a date, then he tries to suck you back in and gives you a big smooch. Then he backs off again, right? Did he recommit to you? Or just give you a little tease to get you right back where he wanted? Decide what boundaries you'll be comfortable with. For example, are you willing to be intimate with someone who is intimate with other people as well as you? Are you going to engage in the game playing?
Read the detachment links, read the validation links. When your H says it is over, you listen and validate. Don't pursue. The more you pursue, the more he runs. So stop chasing the pursue who says and acts like he doesn't want you. He'll notice the change, but quit letting him suck you back in.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for your feedback ovrrnbw. I really want to work on our marriage and give us a second chance. But he tells me he doesn’t want that right now. And, depending on the day, he says maybe in the future or never. He has oddly encouraged me to have fun and date other people, saying he doesn’t care. But I realized that he doesn’t care if it’s just one date with someone. It’s only when he learned I had gone out with someone more than once that he got jealous. I actually tried to hide the fact I went out with someone more than once because I worried he would get upset and tell me it was really over.
You are right about the family dinners and “cake.” In fact, we only have the dinners when he has the kids. Never when it’s his kid-free time. I realize I’m just letting him walk all over me because I’m so desperate to fix our marriage. Yet, I don’t know why. I was unhappy too, and he was not a good husband - beyond the lying and cheating. I feel like I only want him because I’m afraid to be alone, afraid for my future financially, sad that I only see my kids part time, and missing the comfort of a partner I knew (though what I knew wasn’t so great).
I haven’t contacted him since Friday, which is a record for me. I have to be honest, though, I’m sad he hasn’t reached out. I know he’s out of town so I wonder where and if he’s with someone. I have been tempted to contact him because I worry he’s relieved he hasn’t heard from me and will really move on. However, I’m aware of the pursuer/distanced dynamic and know I need to stand my ground.
