Having kind of a weird morning today. Feeling a little down, thoughts of him and OW kind of taking over. Ive been doing really good this week, would really like to continue feeling good. Any words of wisdom? We will be seeing him tonight when he comes over to see D and I just kind of dread it in a way. It gets me a little worked up.
Thanks in advance
Originally Posted by kech
Steve,
I just found this, you wrote it on Justsad's posts recently, "Here are what your daily goals should be:
1) Did I get through the day without worrying about what she says and does, and without attaching any expectations to your DBing efforts. 2) That no one filed for D (unless this is what you want, and you can always decide to pull the plug at any moment). 3) That you didn't engage in any pressure or pursuit. In word or deed. That you didn't engage her in a R talk. That you didn't snoop. Etc. 4) That the rest of your family's needs were met! (If she isn't willing to meet a need, then step in and do it.)
There are others that others might be able to add, but the point is notice this is all about you. What you can do. What you should do.
I know you've struggled with patience, that is why you should concentrate on EACH day. Not the past, not what might happen in the future. But simply striving each day to achieve the above."
Something like this could be VERY helpful to me. I am a VERY task oriented person. I am going to try to follow these daily.
Focus on what you said about being VERY task oriented. Concentrate on getting through the day with 1, 2, 3, and 4.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Everything comes in waves. I do NOT want to go down the rabbit hole to where I was just 1 week ago. I have been feeling so much better about myself, he cant have me. Thats MY CHOICE. So whether he wanted it or not, Im making the decision that im not an option for him right now. He would have SO much work to do and he has made no moves to do any of that work. So why pine for someone who wouldnt even make me happy right now?
I secretly hope hes struggling in his new relationship. I hope it crumbles, as horrible as that sounds. But I am above it. I have a bridal shower this weekend that I am a part of planning because I am a bridesmaid, and I also have a wedding to go to. So it will be a busy couple of days for me getting ready for all that. Hopefully my mind stays occupied.
Definitely me, but its like it just takes over. I see her face, I see him. I see them together, I imagine him being with her how he used to be with me. And off my mind wanders. Im pushing it out though. Staying busy.
I secretly hope hes struggling in his new relationship. I hope it crumbles, as horrible as that sounds. But I am above it. I have a bridal shower this weekend that I am a part of planning because I am a bridesmaid, and I also have a wedding to go to. So it will be a busy couple of days for me getting ready for all that. Hopefully my mind stays occupied.
Keep detaching. The goal is when you don't care one bit about him, OW or whether they work or not.
Read OrangeK's threads. Poor guy has struggled mightily with this. Your goal is that you are so involved in your own life that you don't give a moment's thought to his.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just read Orange's thread, I can see his struggle. When I read other peoples posts I wonder if thats how I sound. Hanging on my H every text, every word. When seeing others do it, I see how unnecessary it is and how much it just spins us LBS out of control. And I still do it. I still try to dissect every word in every text, what does he mean by this, why is he saying that, hes doing it because of this reason or that reason. When really, it all could mean absolutely nothing.
On Monday my H texted me after work that he is no longer going out of town next weekend. I didnt respond, as it was an informational text. 2 hours later he texted me, "hello??"..and I remember thinking, oh thats weird. He never texts stuff like that when I dont respond. Something as simple as a text saying "hello??" somehow got my hopes up in a weird way, like OH, hes thinking about me, he wants a response from me. When really, he could have just wanted to make sure I got the text and knew he would be around to see D.
I see the importance in detaching, because every word, every statement, every text, should NOT turn us LBS into a tail spin. It should not ignite a weird sense of hope, nor should it ignite a strong sense sadness. It should do nothing. And I am hopeful that one day I will get there. I struggle most (obviously) with the OW aspect of it. My H right now is not a man I would want to be with, so if we were separated and he was not seeing someone, I think I would be striving truthfully. I wish he would have allowed himself to FEEL this instead of filling the void with someone else. I wish he had actually had to feel the loss a little bit, but instead he covered it with a bandaid, and seems to really like what he has found in that bandaid. But that doesnt change the fact that this man is NOT someone I would be happy with right now. He has changed.
I thought this morning about how my H promised my dad on his death bed that he would always take care me. He asked for my hand in marriage from my dad when my dad battled cancer, 3 years prior to ever popping the question. We were such a team, cut from different cloths yes, but we created something together unlike anything either of us had experienced. And now, he uses our different cloth against us, as he dates women (and this specific woman) who are cut from similar cloths to him. He says he never felt good enough for me. I cant help but see that as a cop out. But its unimportant now. Its up to me to create the life I want for myself and my daughter now.
I have 2 choices, fall down the rabbit hole of depression and sadness and accomplish nothing, or buck up, be me, have enjoyable moments when I can, and tackle my goals moving forward. Do I miss him? Omg yes. I can feel myself slipping backwards into the sadness, but i am TRULY TRULY trying to move forward. I have said my peace, he knows I do not accept him and OW. He knows I dont want anything to do with it. No need to say anything further. I deserve better from him and if he isnt willing to do that then he can settle, because in my opinion thats exactly what he is doing. And its what he WANTS to do, bc it doesnt require much.
kech, excellent post! I love it. The thinking through all of this. You did that with detachment. That is a huge step forward.
Just one small tweak:
Quote
have 2 choices, fall down the rabbit hole of depression and sadness and accomplish nothing, or buck up, be me, have enjoyable moments when I can, and tackle my goals moving forward. Do I miss him?Omg yes. No. I miss the old him. The him that promised my dad. The him I fell in love with and married. But not this him he has become.I can feel myself slipping backwards into the sadness, but i am TRULY TRULY trying to move forward. I have said my peace, he knows I do not accept him and OW. He knows I dont want anything to do with it. No need to say anything further. I deserve better from him and if he isnt willing to do that then he can settle, because in my opinion thats exactly what he is doing. And its what he WANTS to do, bc it doesnt require much.
One of the most freeing things was when I read sandi say "She is not the girl you married." I was clinging on to the image of who she used to be, not what she had become. And because of that I approached everything as if I was still dealing with the original her. I wasn't. I was dealing with someone that didn't have the same world view, the same values, the same morals, the same ethics. I was dealing with someone completely different than I had known before. And that made me start approaching things completely differently.
I know you know this already, but I just wanted to remind you. And also remember, that doesn't mean he can't change back. My W is now back to her old self. But there for a while she was a completely different person.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Busy week. I will try and visit later today. Couple things.
I agree with Steve: trying to obsess over and control what you cannot, will set you up for a miserable life. In all aspects of it. It is a form of spinning and self torture. This is where thought stopping, GAL, and putting them in the back of the fridge for now, is a must. It is the only way. Can you find a great book and give yourself 1 hour a day to only focus on that?
Yes, i thought about my H and OW all the dang time! She had been a so called good friend for many years! Friday night dinners, full access to my kids and H all the time. families at a winters cabin, holidays, etc, etc. Our kids are still friends! So yes, my obsession was 10 fold. But what did I tell you? I was wrong about many things. Also, focusing on them only held me back. I deserved better than to give them all my power and attention and so do you!!! It is that simple.
Look, your H is no prize to be won. He is am immature, selfish jerk. You miss him and love him, but really, he is a man that failed on the biggest test in life. A woman's most vulnerable time in her life is pregnancy and being home caring for a newborn. HE HAS FAILED. Let him go. You only want a man that is capable of giving you a real H and father; if and when he shows you him, then you can consider him. ONLY THEN.
And you said he may be "falling in love" with OW. Look, he is not falling. He is making an active choice. To be selfish, to leave you, to be adulterous, and to spend time with her. Also to not take responsibility and blame you. He has the power to choose better.
Less is more right now. Less seeing him, less responding, less time and attention, less thoughts and less words to him. When in doubt, do LESS.
It is time to let go. Hold your head up high. Find a confident Kech that wants a man that treats her and D right. He is not that guy. I am sorry. It hurts like h3ll.
XOXO Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
He most definitely is not who I married, so you are right. I dont miss the him he is now, I miss the him I married. The him who loved me more than anything in the world and wanted nothing more than to spend his life with me. Crazy how much things can change. I would NEVER think I could be in this position. Ever.
Blu,
Thank you so much. And you are also right, he is an immature, selfish jerk. And he has failed. I dont quite understand how he doesnt see it that way, but thats his own journey to figure out I guess. He is CHOOSING to blame me, its crazy.
Less is definitely more. I really wish I could see him less, not that we see eachother much, but he comes to see D 4 nights a week, and im finding I enjoy the nights where I wont see him much more than the nights I know I will. But I try to fill my time out of the house by doing things for me. Tonight I will leave when he arrives and go get my nails done I think and go search for a pair of shoes for the dress im wearing to the wedding. Id much rather be home with my beautiful D, but it is what it is.
All this wedding talk of the upcoming weekend is REALLY doing a number on me. Giving me a little anxiety, hoping I dont become too emotional during it all.
