DB Gang, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I still follow many of your threads daily and you all remain close to my heart. I suppose it's time for an update.
Family. S14 has been a bit distant since the start of the new year. I don't think I've posted too much about the blowouts we've had, but it started with him being deceptive at the end of last school year (lying about grades, falsifying report card online, etc), went on to me grounding him and giving him extra assignments, him passively refusing to do them, and culminated with him blowing up right before the school year began. Things were pretty escalated and his mom asked if she could be the one that manages grades and homework this semester to allow things at my place to cool down. I was ok with that. Right now I am pretty disgusted with some of my son's behavior (lack of accountability, victim mentality) and it has come between us. We are fairly disconnected. We still eat together and spend a little time together, but there is definitely a shift. I am not prepared to be closer as long as he's prepared to lie and manipulate things, and I don't see him growing past that yet. And I'm not going to beat my head against the wall trying to teach him. Life can do that. If I'm teaching him it's mostly in the way of showing him that he can't treat me like a chump and expect that I will take it. Still getting him xmas presents of course, we will go to a show in January that is a Beatles tribute. We went to Ringo a few months ago and it's nice to have a few good times that pierce the distance between us.
D11. Trying to make each day count before she too becomes a teen. We're having fun playing pool, she is hitting the balls really strong. Got her into a pool league, took a minor miracle to get XW ok with it (it's every Sunday so needed XW to be ok with it on her weeks) but I magically got it to work. D11 is new to competition so she's very tentative and lacks confidence. She doesn't know how good she is, like a baby lion that doesn't realize she will be king of the jungle. We played a tournament last Sunday, her first ever. It was 'adult/youth' scotch doubles, so we took turns shooting. She made a horrible mistake and lost us our first match in a double elim format. Then she hit a gear and we won 6 in a row to end up in 2nd place. The coolest part was the team we played for 2nd had a girl on the team who my daughter is enamored with, she looks up to her and thinks she's really good. Well, we beat them every game, my daughter made staggeringly strong hero shots in each game to win it for us. I'm glad she gets to see that she can compete and win if she works hard and delivers her game. Most of all it's fun that we get to hang out and hit balls together.
D8 is doing well too. Reading together, doing puzzles. She likes puzzles so as a xmas gift I have a personalized puzzle coming with a picture of her and a little note from her dad on it. Still waiting to see who she becomes as right now she's still following the lead of her older sister and hasn't quite hit her own stride yet. But we're doing lots of little things so she'll have chances to find out. November was her birthday, we went out for breakfast at IHOP, then we played a crane game. I always say no, so on her birthday I got 10 $1 bills and let her swing away at the stuffed animals all she wanted. LO AND BEHOLD, SHE HOOKED ONE! First time I've seen it. It made her day. I'm so happy for her. Then we went to a used bookstore and good a couple of cool books. Just thought I'd share, cool day with my daughter.
XW. I'm so far past "meh" I couldn't catch the bus back to meh. Pretty awesome. I think she's graduating her nursing program (NO idea what type of degree or what kind of work she can now do, I'm all the way out on her life) soon and might become a home health aide. When I heard that I remember genuinely thinking "Good for her" without any desire to see the karma bus hit her nor any longing to have anything to do with her. Meh is awesome. I'm done paying her in May, I can almost taste the finish line!
Work. Speaking of Meh, that's where I'm at with work. Slugging away. Never good enough to relax, never bad enough to lose sleep. The bank I work for really screwed up in 2016 and it's been dismal since, but they expect their sales stars to magically rescue them by hitting unrealistic goals (even when those goals caused all of the problems originally...). Whatever. I'm getting paid enough to pay my bills, and I'm producing enough to not lose my job, at least today. So it's all good. And I like helping my customers.
Pool. Playing a lot. Went to a FL tournament and got beat badly. Did ok at a regional event in WI. Going to a 10 day tourney in January (Derby City Classic, Louisville KY). US Open 9 ball in April 19. MN State Championship 1/5-1/6. Some other regional thing end of this month. Probably feather in a few more events. I'm hitting them pretty good. Really want to play better, but still playing well enough to enjoy the game and put up a good fight. I guess I'm excited that I'm filling up my tournament calendar, in the past I've averaged about 1 pro event a year, next year I want to hit 5-6. That's a new thing for me and I'm excited to have a legitimate opportunity to acclimate and perform. I really love the game. When I'm done posting this I'll go practice again. Oh, and I got a beautiful 9' diamond pro-am table, it's exactly what we play pro events on and it was a beast to get installed (one piece slate!). It's a real joy to have that table. Gotta get back to it!
Not terribly exciting, I just do my job, raise my kids, and then practice my pool.
Oh, one thing- I have a buddy that just joined the forum. Username rerediss. Just posted today for the first time. If any of you want to lend a hand to a newcomer please take a look. Juju, I'd love it if you could bop over, he's dealing with a WW who is nowhere near remorseful (she's still in the 'can't I have both of you' phase), I think you could be of value!
I did learn something about myself from that. I realized I referred him to this site, not CL's. While I read CL and enjoy much of her content, when the chips were down I still found value in him standing by his marriage and working on himself. Plenty of time to dump a cheater later on. I know I never regret what I put into myself as the marriage finished burning to a crisp.
OK, wrapping up. Thanks again to all of you and have a happy holiday!!!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hey Zues. Thanks for the update. I am hoping to get to meh one day... it’s a work in progress but I’ve had some good days. Great to hear about your daughter’s pool playing. I wish I had started playing at her age. I LOVE pool. It is the one thing that I do that is just for me. I have a Diamond as well but had to get a seven foot because my downstairs rec room wasn’t quite big enough for a bigger table. I’m fully an amateur player but I like to compete as well and when I do, it is usually on a seven-foot so it works for me. I’ve been to Vegas probably 20 times to play in the BCA championships. Last year I went to Vegas to watch the Mosconi Cup. Might go back again in 2019 now that America has finally won again - it was starting to get too predictable. Anyway... just wanted to say “hi” and wish you luck in your tournaments this year.
Hi Deja! Thank you for sharing! Always a joy to meet a fellow pool player!
Yes, I've had the pool bug all of my life. When I was a kid I wanted to play with the other players so I would practice for hours on my father's home table, listen to music, and dream of competing. Many, many hours every single day, for years. I just wanted to be the best, and be able to outplay my opponents. So then 20 years go by and I'm out competing, playing others, sometimes for money, sometimes in tournaments, always matching up, always sparring, always competing. Little by little it gets a little fatiguing. There is no more local competition. Money matches have to be prearranged and become a spectacle. Tournaments are regular, but even a month in between is like a lifetime when you're playing every day.
It's funny, it went full circle. Now I just like hitting balls by myself and listening to music. I will go compete, I will match up. But 99% of my play time is by myself, doing drills, working on one area of my game, playing straight pool or the ghost, etc. I guess what I'm saying is I used to play by myself so I could compete with others, now it's just the world I enjoy living in and when I compete with others all of the money and cameras just become background and it always feels like I'm by myself in my basement.
7' diamonds are beautiful tables. I normally would never want a bar table but the diamonds are so nice I could be happy with one of those. Congratulations. Bummer you missed the MC this year, who knew it was going to get so crazy?!? And yes, I've played both BCA and VNEA a few years. I haven't played leagues in a while as they've all gone handicapped and I feel like they're not my place anymore, but I remember when they shared the Riviera with the pros and I got to watch all the top players during the amateur event. That was a big part of what got me playing in pro events, I got to see up close and personal they weren't all that much better. Sure, the top 10 guys on their best day are, but the top 100 guys on their bad days aren't!
Anyway, since you're on this forum I'd imagine you might be on AZBilliards? I'm a regular. I'll take all of my geek pool shop talk over there. But hopefully we can cross paths some day!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I have only recently been introduced to CL. And I absolutely love her. If you remember my early writings, I have always been in agreement with her, no tolerance for cheaters philosophy. I am not sure if I would have healed faster had I been on her site as opposed to here. I do think the DB forum is more interactive and allows for more self reflection and journaling. I do not think the DB forums really acknowledged cheating and lying and betraying and leaving as a form of abuse a few years ago though. As a boundary. As a condition. And i think that was unhealthy.
In my situation, I never had that black and white, Yes he's cheating. He violated a boundary. Now make a choice. Everything was secret and I had a lot of self blame. I never really had a choice to make a stand against cheating. I feel cheated out of that closure, out of the power to make a decision. My ex did not even respect me enough to be honest even after our marriage was over. I will certainly reread and post on your friends thread. He seems to have all the intel which gives him power to choose . Once you have that intel, i think its more black and white and logical.
I am glad that you and your daughters are doing well. Very sorry to hear about friction between you and your son. I am going to offer you some thoughts to chew on though. I don't have answers or even advise. Just thoughts. My parents raised us old school. We had consequences. We had to conform to their rules because they were the authority figures. Which I agree with. But their parenting style was executed in a manner where it felt like they were trying to WIN (my mother) or acted out of emotion (my father) as opposed to teaching and guiding. So i think my mothers need to to win at all costs (silent treatments in addition to other techniques) really left me susceptible to gaslighting and abuse from others.
" I am not prepared to be closer as long as he's prepared to lie and manipulate things" - I would be careful that you are not resorting to stone walling or withdrawing affection in order to win. I know you have access to some good counselors and maybe this might be helpful. Nip it in the bud early. No he is not making good choices. But you as parent/teacher might need to change approaches as well. Different personalities require different approaches. Some personalities buy from a salesperson that takes a hard dominant approach. Gives a hard handshake. Others don't trust that approach and prefer to buy from the friendlier easy going sales person. You have to recognize and conform a bit to make that sale to get through to someone, no? Just look at the big goal.
Anyway, best of luck. Hope you post more often. I am grateful I still have more years until my son is a teenager.
I don't know that I have a die on the hill opinion about whether cheating should be a definitive deal breaker. I would never fault someone for making it so, but I would also never fault someone for taking their time and doing some soul searching. Granted CL calls it hopium and unicorn chasing because it almost never works out. But marriages fail most of the time, as do remarriages, as do long term relationships. Hard to know if I'm being cynical or just realistic, but the more I've considered the situation the more I consider the game unwinnable and I start to feel like we're talking about what chess move to make in a totally lost position.
As for my son, I don't disagree. I'm in a strange spot. He had tricked me all of the prior semester by changing the grades on his computer screen prior to our reviews, then when I caught him because the grades he was showing me on the screen didn't match the screen shot from his mother's portal or his year end report card he refused to admit it and said it must be a tech glitch and he didn't understand how his grades had mysteriously dropped. He even tries to blur what his actual grades were.
What I left out is that I did put the hammer down at the end of last summer. I took away all of his electronics entirely and gave him extra home work assignments. He asked how long he was grounded for and I told him that those were privileges that depended on him getting satisfactory grades. I told him that he had a choice. He would either be grounded until his next report card came out that demonstrated he deserved those privileges (which would mean 6 months of no electronics) or he could "apply for credit". What I mean by that is that he could demonstrate by completing the assignments I gave him and resuming his violin practice that he was prepared to take his scholastic responsibility more seriously. If he did those things I would reinstate electronics. So I gave him a clear road back and laid out my expectations.
Well, he dug his heels in and decided that there was nothing he could do, he was a victim, I wasn't being fair because I didn't believe him about his report card grades being incorrect, and that he couldn't win. I can't tolerate the lack of accountability and this victim mentality crap. Probably natural from a teen but his mother is a pro as well. I am a world class gamer and I set things up so that either option I was good with. Either he could learn from me to own his crap, or he could learn from life consequences that he can play victim all he wants but he will be a victim without electronics all summer. Which is what happened. I was good with that.
Where things got whacked is what happened at end of summer. I lost my temper with D7 and for the first time in my life I spanked one of my children. No, it wasn't cool, I consider it a blunder and regret my action. But what happened next was crazy. He had smuggled a cell phone over to my place and he texted his mom that I was out of control, that I was beating up D7 and she was injured, and that he was terrified for his safety. He spent the next week at his mother's house and said that he didn't feel safe with me because I was abusive.
I was furious. Calling a man physically abusive is about the second worse thing you can say in today's age, and while I am not going to argue in favor of spanking I don't for a heartbeat think that a one time spanking equates to physical abuse and a dangerous environment. From my vantage point he was playing a power game, using the power he had to go to his mom's where he wasn't being held accountable and wasn't grounded. Just my feel on the situation. But now while he was my son, he had suddenly become a threat to my family. It took hard work to get 50% custody and for him to blow the abuse whistle as a power play was totally unacceptable. I felt like he was a dog that bit the baby. He was a loved family member, but suddenly he was a threat.
I immediately schedule counselling and we went to two sessions. The counselor has asked to meet his mother and she kept saying she'd schedule something but hasn't. Meanwhile the dust has settled and things have stabilized a bit. S14 is still without personal electronics but he has a school tablet he can use anyway, and I wasn't going to try to enforce him only using it for school work because it seemed like making a rule I couldn't enforce. And frankly I am so disgusted by his behavior (first not doing school work, then lying about it, then not making things right, then playing power games that threatened my family) that I am pretty much done. I felt like he was determined to show me I'm not the boss of him, so I quit playing. I hesitate to try to enact more consequences when he shows he's willing to trump up accusations that threaten the family to get away from me, it's like blackmail. Right now that means the love I have deep down for him is pretty deep under some serious distaste for how he's choosing to conduct himself. But I figure he's a teenager, maybe this is normal. If I'm teaching him anything it's from the example of how I live my life. He has his own road to walk and he might have to learn from life and not from me for a while. Maybe when the day comes he sees I'm not fighting back anymore and he is making his own bed he'll grow up a bit.
If I was together with XW and he couldn't go running to mom I would certainly be more heavy handed, as is I just don't have it in me to fight an unwinnable war. Ain't nobody got time for that. We keep things civil. I'm not trying to stone wall him, he's still part of the family and we joke around a bit and interact together. But there is no question there is a divide that hasn't been bridged, and at this point he'd need to show me something different for me to be interested in bridging it.
Again, I don't feel this is the optimal response, but like I said, sometimes it's hard to find the right move. And as I've also said, I quickly lose interest in games that can't be won.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hey Zues. I’m not on AZBilliards but I will check it out. My sister and I actually run a pool league in our town/city (not sure which it is - pop 120,000) that is BCA and ACS (CCS in Canada) sanctioned. The handicap system can be a drag but it is the only way to get newbies to play and feel like they have a chance. We play every Monday night and it is something I look forward to. Ah... the Riviera... I so miss that hotel. I was really sad when they knocked it down. It was like a home to me and having the tournament in July at the Rio is just not the same. Haven’t been in three years now but we have been talking about going in 2020 when the tournament gets moved to the Spring again. July is Vegas is just too darn hot.
Sadly... I do not practice as much as I should but it is one of my goals for 2019. I pretty much get by on natural ability but that only takes you so far. I know I could be a lot better if I worked at it. Motherhood, work and marriage got in my way a bit. Now I only have two of those excuses...lol.
It would be fun to cross paths one day! Always love to meet fellow pool players!!!
I am glad to see you around these parts again and thanks for the update. I am sorry all you are going through with your S14. It scares the bejesus out of me, the teenage years. I've known quite a few great parents with great kids where the hormones win for a while. I hope your S finds his way soon, and I think it is a good idea to let his mom handle that stuff for a while. I also completely understand your sentiments on how you fought for 50/50 custody and he tries to hurt that with the family. I don't know if he truly understands what you went through, but he should.
Just keep on keeping on, raise your kids, enjoy them, do the things you love.
I can't believe it's been another three months. Time sure flies these days compared to right after BD!
Family. S14. I pretty much let the schooling go. He's going to do what he's going to do. I believe he'll graduate high school, and probably get shaky grades along the way. Based on the way things have played out there aren't a lot of alternatives I have that don't lead to bigger issues. I'm not prepared to go to war on this one, particularly when it might result in him running to mom's house where the war isn't being fought, causing me trouble in other ways, and making our last few years together hostile. It's his life and he's got to live it. And honestly I got horrible grades in school and my life went on. There were consequences to be sure, but I hated school and if I had to go through high school again I'm not even sure I could make it through at all. I'm sure if I had been a better student I could have done a better job earlier in my son's schooling, but I wasn't, I didn't, and from here I'm moving forward. The good news is I am working hard to establish a good continued relationship with him. I FINALLY found something we can do together. There is a computer game called Quern, it's basically a puzzle game where you explore an island and try to figure out how you got there and why. We've been playing an hour a day after he gets off school and on the weekends and we're really enjoying it. He's a smart darn kid, I forgot how much he's grown but I am working hard to contribute because he is a maniac at the game. Also, for his birthday I got him Paul McCartney tickets in WI. The Ringo concert was his favorite memory, the Beatles Tribute band was kind of meh, but Paul is something beyond priceless to him. Bottom line, I'm making sure the last few years we have living together are mostly pleasant and we spend some good time together. To me that's more important than grenading it all to make a point.
D12. She just turned 12! She's doing great. Really good kid. Smart, funny, joyful, and hard working. We continue to have a lot of fun together shooting pool and goofing around. For her birthday I am taking her to Philadelphia at the end of March for a pool tournament. There are two pro events, a 'pro-am' with some pros and some amateurs, and a junior event. She'll play the junior event, I'll play the pro-am. But the main point of taking her out there is we are going a day early and staying through the finals of the pro events. This way she will get to see the best players in the world from front row center. What prompted this was my trip to Louisville in January. I spent 8 days competing against the best in the world and it was so much fun. I just played, then watched matches, then played, then watched matches. I was a pig in mud. There is something so different about being there in the room, feeling the tension in the crowd, watching how they handle or fail to handle the pressure, seeing how well they really play. You just lose so much with a screen. I knew then and there I HAD to get her to a pro event, and lo and behold, I put it together. Of course on all of this I ask her if she wants to because I don't want to be the dad pushing her into stuff, but she always just lights up and says "That would be AWESOME" whether it's about going to PA or playing a local tournament or something. For the trip she has to miss two days of school, we will have a lot of fun together!
D8. D8 is on her way to growing out of baby mode. Still a bit of a struggle, but she's come a long ways. She's included in our nightly reading now (previously she sat out because the books we were tearing through were a bit beyond her) and is keeping up pretty well. Per family request we are re-reading Ender's Game because the other kids love it and wanted her to hear it. She didn't get into chess or cribbage, but I taught her backgammon and she loves it. We had been using some cheap fold out cardboard board with plastic checkers and it was miserable, so I got a nice backgammon set, big, with nice heavy checkers and a heavy duty board. We are now playing every day when she gets home from school.
So our daily routine is I pick S14 up from school and play Quern, then I play Backgammon with D8, then dinner together, then pool with D12, then our nightly show (Star Trek Next Generation currently), then I read, put them all to bed, and am exhausted! That's a lot of games, even for me! But I still try to make time to practice a bit afterwards before I surrender for the day.
Work. Meh. No change. I got my annual review. I'm not being pushed out for production yet. It's weird because I'm missing goals (80-90% consistently, it's not like I'm not showing up) which is normally a fast track to being terminated. But I believe the majority of the reps across the nation are missing goals by wider margins. So with my tenure (10 years in January), my professionalism, leadership, customer service, and steady nearly passable results, I guess they have bigger problems to worry about. And I'm still getting paid decent money, so who cares. I am still trying and need to keep grinding, but that's all it is at this point, a grind.
Pool. I'm hitting them well. I cashed in all three events in that pro tournament in January. Last month I played a tournament in Fargo, ND, finished 2nd and 3rd in the 9 ball/8 ball. Practicing a lot and feeling pretty solid. Put in an all-nighter last Friday and played from 8pm to 7am, just like when I was a kid. Can't get enough. I'll keep pushing. I've kind of given up on my dreams, but I still love the game so much I just want to keep going anyway. We'll see how I do in the PA event.
Oh, XW. I meant to tell you guys this. She broke up with her BF of 4 years. Not her first hook up post BD (or technically prior to BD), but the first one that took roots. Not sure all of the reasons, not really interested. She started pinging me a little bit, making comments that expressed a mix of remorse, regret, and affection. I was surprised by how meh I was. I realized I was not moved by any of this. Yes, I understand the spousal maintenance is up in May and finances will be a lot harder for her when she's on her own and paying off student loans. Yes, I know she's on her own now and dealing with the loss of the M that I went through years ago and she put off by medicating with another man. I get all of that. So I'm not particularly moved by the fact she feels regret when the marriage starts to look better than her current reality. I feel like she's basically saying "Now it looks like it would've worked out better for me to stay married, too bad I'm broke and single". Now if she spends a few years putting her life in order, financially, emotionally, etc, and everything is going great for her, and she expressed true remorse in destroying the M, even allowing for the fact there would be stretches when it wouldn't be convenient or easy, then I might take her words a bit more seriously. But I've come far enough to understand that expressing displeasure at consequences is trivial, and far enough to not have any of this even evoke an emotional response from me. It's pretty amazing. Oh, and no where in here did I talk about the possibility of R or what that would take. I was simple referring to what it would take for her words to carry any substance whatsoever with me. Whatever. I just thought you'd appreciate the update on that. There is a small part of me that feels a bit vindicated of course, but mostly I am just sad to watch her flounder, and slightly concerned about how she'll be able to provide for the kids and if it will impact them in any way.
Well, that's my life. About the same as last time which is all good with me. My kids won't be around forever so I'm going to live these days to the fullest. I have some fears about feeling empty and lonely when they move on, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can always get a dog. Thanks for being around gang and talk soon!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My kids won't be around forever so I'm going to live these days to the fullest. I have some fears about feeling empty and lonely when they move on, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Zues,
I dread the empty nest. My youngest son is on a field trip to New York this week and I'm missing him. I still have a few years before the boys leave home, but the time flies by too quickly.
Great update, your after school schedule got me exhausted, but sounds like quality time with each of the kids..
I wanted to ask how everything worked out with your ex-partner? If I remember correctly you cancelled your plan tour with him because of who he showed himself to be, just wondering if that has impacted you and your touring?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
