Divorce was just finalized, so I thought I would join in with the cool kids. Honestly doing fairly well, but wanted to have somewhere to go to journal and converse with others that are surviving the Big D. Heading out to GAL, but looking forward to joining this community.
Don't worry - skinny dipping with doodler is optional and the dress code can be casual although I personally believe that a bow tie classes up any occasion.
And by the way Lady V - I "did" in fact have a date - a couple of them in fact :P
Just none lately although I do have a small bag of candy that I will be intending to use today as a bribe for a very lovely lady officially aimed at her small son.
I will admit though that my thread does tend to be more recipies for dinner than dating stories.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Welcome! And congratulations on dodging a major bullet.
Seriously, I skimmed through part of your previous thread. A 26 year old who surreptitiously opens a credit card and runs up $3,000 while you're going through major health problems? She's not an adult capable of being in a real marriage. She's probably a princess looking for a "daddy" to care for her.
Your life will be much better going forward if you find a woman who is mature and responsible. Now mind you, that also means you have to share control, so that's worth looking at in yourself. This is a great time for self-examination so that you can avoid red flags AND be a better husband next time.
Want to know how things would have played out with her? Let me tell you a story about CMM, my current boyfriend. He was married for over 20 years (as was I). His friends warned him not to marry her but he ignored them. When I ask him why he was attracted to her then, he says she was "fun".
Once they had children she became overwhelmed with being a SAHM. He worked full time and did all the cooking and grocery shopping. She spent money and became an alcoholic. When the recession hit and money was tight she refused to go to work to help. She'd been raised with money.
Eventually he divorced her when his youngest was in high school and she was a three bottle of wine a day alcoholic.His daughters are estranged from him because they blame him for leaving and for financial difficulties that ensued when he had an accident and was out on disability 6 months after leaving.
Not to say he was completely innocent - he enabled her spending and was conflict Avoidant. He's also a little bit OCD and rigid. But he was a responsible family man and good provider who has almost nothing left to show for it. (And now has stage 3 lung cancer possibly brought on by loneliness).
So - consider yourself lucky, you have a chance to find a mate who can support you the way you will support them, who has shared values. Just take this opportunity to do the work on yourself.
Thanks for welcoming me, everyone! Definitely going to be a much different feel over here than in the newcomer forum.
KML, you're right that I definitely dodged a bullet. Doesn't make it any easier though, especially as I considered myself picky and waited until 32 to find what I considered my soulmate. Looking back, I think I can honestly say based on the evidence I had, she was the perfect match. It wasn't really until after our engagement that I realized her family was so important to her (meaning more than I ever would be). Honestly all of my friends and family loved her and thought she was great. But being a conflict avoider, it became clear after the fact that she was putting on a front just so everyone would like her. Wish there were obvious red flags, but she had everyone tricked.
I am no longer on social media, and honestly at this point, I don't care to know what is going on in her life. Part of that is because I don't want to see her with another guy, which I'm sure is now in the public that the divorce went through. I don't ever think I will hear from her again, but who knows. Just focused on myself and my own happiness. As far as doing the hard work, I have spent 11 months learning about myself and looking in the mirror. I can take responsibility for my issues (victim mentality from when I was depressed, learning how to deal with conlict while not being as critical and honestly easing up on my focus to want to save money for the future). Overall not major things in general, but major things to my Ex. I have also been reading up on how to better validate feelings and be more of an encourager, things that I didn't learn from my father.
I have a good buddy at church that is going through a separation with his wife. Glad to be a part of his life to walk him through the difficult times, and it feels good to be able to pay it forward, especially coming from a position of knowing what he is going through.
Question for the pros: I haven't reached out to my in-laws or my wife since the D. Thought about it, but at this point, I think I just need to put my focus elsewhere. Really, I don't think there is anything else to be said. She knows where I stood and that I was against the D, so in my mind, reaching out just makes me look weak. I have chosen to forgive her, and as much as I want her to know this, knowing in my heart that I have extended forgiveness her way should be enough.
Many thoughts to you all, and I hope everyone has a wondering Christmas with loved ones!
Question for the pros: I haven't reached out to my in-laws or my wife since the D. Thought about it, but at this point, I think I just need to put my focus elsewhere. Really, I don't think there is anything else to be said. She knows where I stood and that I was against the D, so in my mind, reaching out just makes me look weak. I have chosen to forgive her, and as much as I want her to know this, knowing in my heart that I have extended forgiveness her way should be enough.
It doesn't matter squat how you look to others. What matters is if you like the man you see in the mirror. If you have had a good relationship with them then fine, but blood is thicker than water and time fades all things.
You are probably best off looking forward than back.
Oh and none of us are pros. We make this crap up as we go along.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
