Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
My love language is quality time and its just who i became in the r for some reason. The w hated it and felt smothered. she wanted alone time/space.
So i had fear of abandonment she had fear of entrapment. We went out for date nights every week , go hiking, go shopping you name it . So a lot of stuff says to spend time together do date nights etc, I guess thats not always true . In my relationship it was too much i guess.
I guess the lesson here is to learn each other’s love language. I loved spending quality time with my H. I didn’t need him to smother me but time together was great. What I needed was quality time outside the house. I need date nights. I needed adult time away from the kids. I need adult time that didn’t always equate to sex.
At this point I have no clue what my H’s love language is. Apparently he’s been faking for so many years. He says we aren’t compatible, we don’t like the same things, etc. (shrugs shoulders) What I do know is when we met, the one thing that we were amazed about was how much we had in common. Perhaps this is the whole re-writing history thing that’s discussed on here. Because although I agree with some of what my H says. He confuses me on so much.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
It is important to learn. She had talked about the 5 languages once before, but never asked me mine. I asked my W what hers was, she said 'active communication'. I didn't recall that being one of the options, I went and looked it up, and it wasn't one of them. I thought that was strange if she had looked at the 5 languages before. Mine is physical touch and acts of service in combination. I feel proud when I make a nice dinner for everyone, or wash her car, etc. she never really looked a t cooking s nice meal as anything but a meal to eat. I could make fabulous meal with 3 courses, wine, and dessert; she would view it as dinner. That would let me down and think I needed to do better to impress her. That is faulty thinking. The act of love was still there, however it wasn't received as such, and she rarely did things to do an act of service for me, so I always felt a bit of resent because I didn't get the love back. She was good at physical touch, at least until about September.
Lesson learned is to tell your spouse what you need from them vice expecting them to figure it out. Spouses aren't mind readers. Sorry to hijack your thread Living, just kind of went on a story rant.🙂
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
It is important to learn. She had talked about the 5 languages once before, but never asked me mine. I asked my W what hers was, she said 'active communication'. I didn't recall that being one of the options, I went and looked it up, and it wasn't one of them. I thought that was strange if she had looked at the 5 languages before. Mine is physical touch and acts of service in combination. I feel proud when I make a nice dinner for everyone, or wash her car, etc. she never really looked a t cooking s nice meal as anything but a meal to eat. I could make fabulous meal with 3 courses, wine, and dessert; she would view it as dinner. That would let me down and think I needed to do better to impress her. That is faulty thinking. The act of love was still there, however it wasn't received as such, and she rarely did things to do an act of service for me, so I always felt a bit of resent because I didn't get the love back. She was good at physical touch, at least until about September.
Lesson learned is to tell your spouse what you need from them vice expecting them to figure it out. Spouses aren't mind readers. Sorry to hijack your thread Living, just kind of went on a story rant.🙂
No need to apologize, feel free to hijack anytime. We are all on here to help each other.
You sound like an amazing man who put a lot into his M. I’m going to check your thread to read more on your sitch. However, I just want to say that I hope your W wakes up and realizes what a great man you are before she lives to regret it.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
My W told me the other night that we aren't compatible, and basically that we're no longer right for each other. She wants out.
What I find bizarre about what she told me the other night is that her IC was with *me* in fighting for the marriage, at least until a month ago. (I know, believe nothing they say, and I know the forums talk about how ICs validate the spouse--which is surprising to me, considering how much W has been talking D for the past year--I thought that was from the IC).
She also told me that she often wondered during our MR if I was even attracted to her. I was, deeply, but I didn't always show it or show it the way she wanted. We had conflicts about sex and sexuality. I would always call her beautiful or sexy and I would touch her and be physical with her. We just didn't have sex as much as she would like, or in as many different ways as she would like.
I really like what you wrote earlier, and I'll take it to heart.
Hang un there,,,, It's always darkest before dawn.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
It is important to learn. She had talked about the 5 languages once before, but never asked me mine. I asked my W what hers was, she said 'active communication'. I didn't recall that being one of the options, I went and looked it up, and it wasn't one of them. I thought that was strange if she had looked at the 5 languages before. Mine is physical touch and acts of service in combination. I feel proud when I make a nice dinner for everyone, or wash her car, etc. she never really looked a t cooking s nice meal as anything but a meal to eat. I could make fabulous meal with 3 courses, wine, and dessert; she would view it as dinner. That would let me down and think I needed to do better to impress her. That is faulty thinking. The act of love was still there, however it wasn't received as such, and she rarely did things to do an act of service for me, so I always felt a bit of resent because I didn't get the love back. She was good at physical touch, at least until about September.
Lesson learned is to tell your spouse what you need from them vice expecting them to figure it out. Spouses aren't mind readers. Sorry to hijack your thread Living, just kind of went on a story rant.🙂
No need to apologize, feel free to hijack anytime. We are all on here to help each other.
You sound like an amazing man who put a lot into his M. I’m going to check your thread to read more on your sitch. However, I just want to say that I hope your W wakes up and realizes what a great man you are before she lives to regret it.
Thanks for the compliment Living! It means a lot. I do try to be a good man for her and for the kids. I hope she realizes what she has too, but I am just trying to work on myself in the meantime. We will see how it goes as I am very new to this game at about 2.5 months. I have to go back and read your previous threads and catch up with your sitch. I look forward to your perspective on my thread!
Last edited by LB55; 02/10/1903:39 AM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
My W told me the other night that we aren't compatible, and basically that we're no longer right for each other. She wants out.
What I find bizarre about what she told me the other night is that her IC was with *me* in fighting for the marriage, at least until a month ago. (I know, believe nothing they say, and I know the forums talk about how ICs validate the spouse--which is surprising to me, considering how much W has been talking D for the past year--I thought that was from the IC).
She also told me that she often wondered during our MR if I was even attracted to her. I was, deeply, but I didn't always show it or show it the way she wanted. We had conflicts about sex and sexuality. I would always call her beautiful or sexy and I would touch her and be physical with her. We just didn't have sex as much as she would like, or in as many different ways as she would like.
I really like what you wrote earlier, and I'll take it to heart.
Bo562,
Nothing that they say makes any sense to those of us thinking with logic. They are all over the place. All we can do is work on ourselves. That’s the advice we get from the vets. We only have control over ourselves. Our spouses are a hot mess! Lol!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Get ready for him to want to R talk when you get home. Just listen and validate and agree.
H:"Bla bla ba bla"
W:"I can see where you are coming from"
I understand you feel that way It must be hard to feel that way I agree, this is not working for me either. I want us both to be happy. I am sorry. I cant change the past.
I see many solutions to our issues. We both need to work on our communication skills. I am not sure. I need time to think about what you are saying. What you said.
I am not sure how I feel about that.
You said you wanted to get divorced. I don't think that is the solution to our problems, but I am willing to give you what you want so you can be happy.
Get as many of the responses into your head.
You can handle this.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
