Two weeks ago my husband (together 10, married 4) walked out on me and our children (11, 6 & 3). We had a petty row and he suddenly announced he was leaving. I was angry, I told him to go, he cried lots but still left.
A bit of back story- 18 months ago he told me that he did not love me anymore, we worked through that and he later said that he did love me, he just didn’t love me at the times I was horrible to him.
I admit, nothing much changed, I have been incredibly moody and snappy with him, I have failed to listen to him when he tried to tell me how that makes him feel. I don’t know why I was like that, I guess a vicious cycle of me feeling unloved and like he doesn’t care, so I become frustrated and snap constantly- like really bite his head off. He says that I have worn him down, that him leaving is a culmination of the last couple of years and that he does not love me anymore.
I made the usual mistakes and begged, pleaded and cried to try and get him to come back, all this did is pressure him more and make him feel suffocated. I’ve stopped that now. I did send him an email last night, not the usual begging or declaring my love, but I calmly wrote out that I am sorry for my behaviour over the last couple of weeks and I realise that that is how I have been behaving for the last couple of years in our marriage- putting my feelings ahead of his and that wasn’t acceptable. I did not mention anything about getting back together, basically I did the opposite of what I have been doing for the last couple of weeks. He replied, reiterating that it wasn’t a sudden decision (feels like it as last month we were making future plans!) and that he does not regret his decision but he is sorry for how I must be feeling.
I have started to implement the 180, and the book arrived yesterday so I have started to read that too. It is so difficult as he now lives back with his parents 3 hours away, I will see him every week or so when he picks up the children.
He also said he wants to chat about things on Wednesday in person... I don’t want to, as he is going to say things that I don’t want to hear. I’m not sure what to do about that.
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Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi. Sorry you're going through this rough time, but things will get better, I promise.
I have been worn down over the years by my father, and I brought that horrible mentality to my marriage. Every relationship is different in how they handle something like this. Do what you can to get these behaviors changed. I doubt that in your normal state of mind you think this is a good way to treat people.
It's ok to have emotions, but remember that people feel it when we treat them poorly, regardless of how we intended to treat them. You, like me, have to find a better way to get those negative feelings out and process them.
Originally Posted by Monkey19
He also said he wants to chat about things on Wednesday in person... I don’t want to, as he is going to say things that I don’t want to hear. I’m not sure what to do about that.
I would read the thread Cadet posted labeled "validation" and learn a couple phrases, learn how to validate and what that means. Don't go to this meeting to convince him to change his mind, but rather just to listen. Maybe make plans for something after so you aren't stuck there forever. I'm assuming you're going to go?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
He is picking up the children and helping me move some furniture for me to decorate while they are with him- so I do have to see him. I guess I am just scared that he is going to mention divorce and talk about future arrangements with the children etc.
I don’t want to try and make him to come back, I’ve realised that I can’t do that and I have to wait until he chooses to want to come back (hopefully) but I am just so unsure how to be with him, he is (was) my best friend as well as husband, I feel that if I go cold totally, it will not be right for our situation, maybe I am wrong and that is the way to go? We have chatted by text about little things today, nothing important and nothing about us but I don’t know if that is the right thing? Surely communication that is pleasant and forthcoming from him should be reciprocated? I feel that my main goals at the moment with interaction should be:
Be kind Be patient Avoid relationship talk Don’t be lured into fights/reacting Communicate calmly and reasonably if I have a problem- and compromise
Does this sound ok? He says he doesn’t love me but I do believe there is some love there, but he can’t see/feel it at the moment as he is so angry with me for making him leave.
I would read the thread Cadet posted labeled "validation" and learn a couple phrases, learn how to validate and what that means. Don't go to this meeting to convince him to change his mind, but rather just to listen. Maybe make plans for something after so you aren't stuck there forever. I'm assuming you're going to go?
I echo this. Also, learn the phrase, "This is a lot to deal with and I need some time to process everything that has happened." Do not feel pressured to make decisions. Do that in your own time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think she is saying "going cold" is not right for her situation.
Monkey, going cold is the opposite of going hot. The best thing you can do is try be calm and almost, ALMOST, indifferent. We call that being "detached". You'll learn more about it as time goes. Just try to be calm and think logically, pay attention to your emotions.
If he is initiating little chats it's probably fine to engage a bit, but usually the LBS (left behind spouse) needs to not start small talk b/c the WAS (walk away spouse) will see it as pursuit and it will just push the WAS further away.
Originally Posted by Monkey19
Does this sound ok? He says he doesn’t love me but I do believe there is some love there, but he can’t see/feel it at the moment as he is so angry with me for making him leave.
He probably does still have feelings for you, but yes, anger can sure get in the way of love. Don't try to convince him he loves you and that he's just angry, just accept his present feelings as they are IMO.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I echo what everyone else has said Monkey. I wish I had REALLY followed their advice right from the beginning but I just had too difficult a time managing my own feelings in his presence. Be prepared to hear the worst. He means what he says to you so don’t dismiss it and DO NOT try to talk him out of it. Just listen and validate. Also... do NOT try to physically touch him, hug him or kiss him. This was a mistake I made in the very beginning when my H was waffling and I thought he was coming back. It backfired. It only reminded him that he wasn’t feeling that way towards me and further pushed him away. So prepare yourself. Have some phrases you can used memorized. Try not to get emotional. That will just make him feel guilty and not want to be around you. Be happy but not too happy. If you can adopt the mindset that you are being visited by a neighbour you are reasonably fond of... you are polite, congenial, interested but not overly. This is going to feel strange and counterintuitive but have faith that it is the right thing to do and the only chance you have of saving your marriage and saving yourself. Your situation sounds very savable but you need to give him time and space and work on yourself. Don’t tell him you are doing this...show him by your actions. He has to remember the reasons he fell in love with you in the first place but he won’t do that if you make him feel uncomfortable and guilt-ridden for leaving. You can do this!!! (((HUGS)))
I thought I had replied but my post hasn’t appeared...
Thank you for the advice. Steve- by cold I meant I don’t think that’s a good idea, I have since read the detachment thread and that makes a lot of sense.
I am not sure how I should react or what I should say tomorrow. I feel he is just going to repeat the things he has said- that he doesn’t love me and doesn’t regret his decision. He keeps repeating that he feels it’s best for our children... this annoys the heck out of me! I find it so hard to remain calm.. he has left for himself, not for the sake of our children! I can’t lie and agree with him on that, but I don’t want to cause even more hatred towards me by questioning that.
Today I had a job offer... the job of a lifetime actually. I am in the U.K. and the job is in Canada. I would not hesitate to turn it down if we were together, but now? Well part of me thinks what is the point in staying here when I have very few friends if any, no family other than my children. The thought of leaving and giving up on him kills me inside though...
