Still Doing the Fish Slapping Dance

[LoisB]

It has been FOREVER since I checked in with you guys. Seven years out. Time flies.

How the heck are y'all?

I'm doing well. My girls are Amazing. I just wrote an essay about surviving a terrible divorce and watching your kids still thrive. Yes! I'm writing for money again. I'm writing without being a stressed-out newspaper editor. Even submitting manuscripts to, GASP, publishers.

Still loving where we live. I've been over-doing it in some areas and trying to create more balance. Had a bit of a health scare this spring that forced me to look at how hard I was working. Ready to get out and meet more people. I think it's taken this long to feel safe enough in my own skin to allow others inside my bubble. Have lots of support and love in my 12-step program, though.

So, here's where I could use some feedback.

About 2 years ago, Smokey came back into our lives. He wanted to get sober, regretted all he had done, blah, blah, blah...

The girls and I allowed him with some really stiff boundaries: Sobriety, transparency and we called the shots in terms of if/when he could visit.

We started talking in a group text. He got sober and started to go to meetings. He moved away from skank. He checked in with us at least a few times weekly, sometimes daily. He'd send me "Goodnights" and "Good Mornings." I got flowers on my birthday, etc.

He came to visit twice. The girls really opened their hearts to him again. He even went on a family hike with us. We had these special moments as a family. It was cool. This went on for more than a year.

Last August, he came to visit. We had a great visit. At this point, he's even calling each of us... like we are TALKING on the phone.

He goes back to Ohio.

He goes dark. He had done this off-and-again. Seemed like it revolved around his sobriety.

This time, however, he's really dark. This is weird, because we had all talked about a job move he wanted to take-the job would allow him to visit in longer stretches, like weeks atta time. We all had feedback about it. He took the job.

He finally gets back in touch after a few weeks. He says he's really struggling. Hasn't used, but is going to meetings 24/7. He says he's heading to treatment. I know! The very thing I had been praying about, finally, 30 years out.

He goes to treatment. He can only afford a week. He calls me the day he's out. I'm the first person he calls. Then, darkness spreads over the land. Heavy darkness. The only thing we learn from him-treatment was really, really, really, really heavy... and he wants little to do with any of us.

I become convinced, like the girls that he must be using again. WE all go through mourning again. The trauma from before returns and we all go a little crazee with his falling out of our lives again. At one point, he tells me I drive him bonkers and he can't talk to me right now. He doesn't talk to the girls either.

He promised to come for the holidays, he didn't.

He did, however, start sending money regularly. A fair amount. Not complaining.

We are all in therapy and dealing with our past trauma anyway. We all recover more quickly with this MIA.

He's been slowly peaking his head out again. I believe he has maintained his sobriety. From what I can gather, we are triggers. And, I believe he has found a fairly solid group of recovery folks as his family. When pressed, he will only say, "I'm trying to maintain."

So, this brings us to now. I'm back from my short trip to the land of Midlife crazee.

He called our youngest a few weeks ago. He has tried to talk to our oldest.

The girls are fairly fed up. This last appearance leaves us all worn out with him.

So, Mother's Day yesterday. He sends me a dozen roses. Wha?

[job]

Welcome back! Gosh, it's been a long time and I was thinking about you last week after watching all of the weather coming across the country and hitting your area.

You sound strong and much more confident and independent these days. As for Smokey...all I can say is keep those expectations very, very low. You know how addicts/alcoholics are. You know how recovery works, i.e., it's one step at a time, one minute at a time and if they are not strong, they tend to take one step forward two steps back. It's disappointing to all of you when he comes forward and connects and then goes dark for a while. The girls are fed up and it rocks their world when he does this stuff.

Heather, read the detachment thread and print it off as a guide. It will help all of you figure out a way to get off that roller coaster he continues to put y'all on.

I am so glad that all of you are okay and doing well. The new place has done wonders for all of you. Please keep in touch either here or via email (I hope you still have my email address).

Step back as far as you can and just let him go figure things out. He may be one of those who can't stay strong once he's up on his feet. He may have to really keep his focus on him and what he needs to do to remain sober.

[LoisB]

Job!

I've missed you. I will email you. Promise. And, I will give you all the awesome details of our new life.

Yep, at least for now, I believe the shame over what he did hangs too heavy. We are reminders. Even the d@mn dog. Old Sins Cast Long Shadows.

Plus, any time anyone has a feeling about ANYTHING he's done past/present... and there's a lot of feelings based on a whole lot of trauma among three women... he can't swallow it. It makes him want to use, or just hate himself. Sadly, when he pulls away to "maintain," we all react with PTSD from being abandoned. Then, he feels worse. And, on it goes.

I had to have a convo with him last fall. No more calling me Mrs. B and throwing the word "Love" around if he wasn't sure of what he wants. It's way too hard for all of us. That's why the roses threw me.

He always sent a dozen roses when he'd screwed up and wanted back in... often back in the house! after I'd locked him out :-)

I've been learning about trauma bonds. I know there's an element of trauma bonding with us.

When Cal saw the roses, she remarked, "MOM, I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL delivered roses are from someone else." I can't say I disagree.

It is what it is. I'm so focused on my business, I can't fathom having anyone in my life right now. Maybe in a year or so. I want my biz to be on solid ground. Being a self-employed single mom isn't for the faint-hearted.

It's time to get out and mingle with other adults though, outside of my 12-step program. I'm ready.

[kml]

Wow, your ears must have been burning, was just wondering about you last week. Glad to hear you're ok.

AS for Smokey - agreed, very very low expectations. I certainly wouldn't ever consider taking him back into your life as a lover. It's good that he's sending money and not being a complete jerk. But he has deep problems that are miles away from being fixed, if ever, and you deserve SO MUCH MORE.

He may also have mental health issues apart from the addiction that are not being treated. I don't know if you remember my now ex-BF (hitherto known as crazy exBF). He'd had a past history of addiction but had been sober for a few years when I met him and seemed to be working his 12 step program very well.

Long story short - his underlying problem is bipolar disorder with mania. His mania isn't a happy mania, it's a dysphoric mania. He only uses when he's manic, and then he's trying to kill himself with drugs. This dynamic only became apparent after a week-long meth binge during which he made no sense (as people on meth are wont to do). When he finally "woke up" and asked for help I told him to go check out of his motel room (to avoid further financial havoc) and meet me at the ER. He did that but smoked up all the rest of his drugs in the motel room first, so he was high as a KITE when he got to the ER - BUT - his mania had subsided so he could still make sense, express remorse, worry about how he was going to fix things in his life etc.

In retrospect he'd been having mild episodes of mania (lasting 2-12 hours and not involving relapse) throughout our relationship that just seemed like a low frustration tolerance level in somebody trying to live life as a "normie". This has been a lifelong problem for him but it was never diagnosed because the emphasis was always on the addiction. His father was diagnosed as schizophrenic. He is still trying to find medications that will prevent his manic episodes.

Your daughters need to understand that their father is much sicker than they realize, and although he would like to be there for them, he's not capable. It's not a choice but an illness he has. Healthy boundaries all around.

[Gerda]

I don't know your sitch at all but I am in year 6 of in-house MLCer (he finally filed but won't leave) and my H is an alcoholic, so I do understand about that.

I completely understand everything you are saying about not wanting him back, the trauma to you and your girls, your desire for boundaries, etc., I am at that point myself and trying to get my H out of the house by any means necessary even though I never ever wanted a divorce and still feel called to stand, just from far away from him! I am sure you do need lots of walls just to keep things safe and not crazy for you guys. We are doing visitation talks now, and my D keeps asking me if she has to stay over at H's house (if he ever moves out!) because he will be drunk at night, and what should she do then. And the court doesn't care if he is a drinker unless he hits us!

So keeping in mind that I think what you are doing makes sense and is probably necessary, I would just say in answer to your question that from my far-away vantage point of knowing nothing except how much an alcoholic hates him/herself and feels shame at who s/he is, if you told him he can only come near you if he is sober, his behavior makes a lot of sense. You and your daughters have told him very clearly that you don't accept (aka in his mind, love) him if using is part of his life; so if he is not ready to be 100% sober, it seems clear that he would feel disgusting about himself and unworthy of being near you or even calling you. And realizing that might be too painful, so he might not even be able to admit that. This is the same behavior I see in my H except that he is still turning it all on me for the most part.

Maybe if your rule was that he has to be sober when he sees you but that you do not ask about what he does when he is not with you, maybe he would be less dark.

I mean, this is MLC, so maybe not, but that's just my thought, thinking of him as the Prodigal Son who is thinking of going back to his father's house but is still a broken dirty mess.

[LoisB]

Ellie! Hi!!!

Yeah, he's bonkers. I know.

Sadly, I don't think he realizes this last appearance was likely his last chance. When he shut us out of his recovery, we all sorta closed the door. I know he will come back around, like he always does, saying, "I needed to get sober on my own first." And, while that's probably the case, the memory of being cut out of his life AGAIN remains like another war wound.

I remember someone saying on here, "You'll know when you're done." Yep, it hit me in the grocery store a few months back. "I'm done."

Sadly, our oldest feels the same way, and our youngest only has occasional polite conversation via text. Tragic.

But, the thing is, it doesn't feel like OUR tragedy anymore. We are okay. It's painful, but we are okay and life keeps getting better. It's his tragedy, not ours.

Thank you for the feedback Gerda. He doesn't want to talk about anything with me right now. So, I don't communicate with him. I don't think it would matter if we discussed only the weather. His disease has us wrapped up tightly in his drug use. When he talks to us about anything, he feels triggered.

And, what's more, we are too healthy now to have an empty relationship with anyone. We are now accustomed to safe, loving relationships where you speak up if you are having a feeling. He can't do that. He just can't.

[bttrfly]

Hi Heather, Thanks for the post. I'm sorry it's been back and forth. it's so hard to love an addict. I'd like to say it's easier if they have a lot of time in but that's not always the case if they aren't working the program.

You and the girls sound strong and happy. Keep the focus on you, as you're doing. Pray for him. There's nothing else you can do. You know his recovery is up to him.

Wishing you all the best xoxoxo