Living do you think maybe he is happy with the situation? I mean this usually is a complete nightmare scenario for the ones who are being BD'd but for the spouse they kind of have the best of both worlds. They have a spouse who is improving, hoping for R, likely walking on eggshells around them, hanging on any little thing they do and this gives them a feeling of control. They also have their single life they get to enjoy with very little consequences. Perfect world for them and nightmare for us.
With my husbands ego there is no doubt in my mind he’s enjoyed riding the fence. Now keep in mind, I share a lot more here than I do with him. But he has had the best of both worlds.
The part when he stops enjoying things is when he sees that his behavior is hurting me. Then it’s no fun at all. That’s when he decides he wants out.
Keep in mind, he was supposed to relocate in October for his job. The job offer was put on hold. He decided that he wanted to work on himself and our relationship. A few weeks ago the job called and told him they were ready for him. He told him he was no longer interested. His boss was shocked, he told his boss that he was staying to work on his marriage.
But even still he went out and attempted to have an full blown affair. It was still an affair he just wasn’t able to go all the way with her (long story).
So the question is, he had an out....why didn’t he take it? As early as 4 weeks ago he had an out and he refused it. Why? Then I call him out on missing money and now he wants a divorce. So my question was, if you knew you wanted a divorce, why didn’t you leave?
It’s all so crazy!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
We attended Retrouvaille at the end of September. W genuinely opened up and seemed to put forth effort. That was short-lived and she is back to her WW behavior with the OM.
Curtis may be able to supply you more info. Almost impossible to work on the marriage with a third party involved.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We attended Retrouvaille at the end of September. W genuinely opened up and seemed to put forth effort. That was short-lived and she is back to her WW behavior with the OM.
Curtis may be able to supply you more info. Almost impossible to work on the marriage with a third party involved.
So true! Thanks again Ready2change.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
W and I just completed our Retrouvaille weekend and what a tremendous POSITIVE it was! For the first time since our sitch began my W began to open up to me.
My W said it was the first time in many years where she spoke to me and felt "understood" and "heard."
This weekend has really helped my W see our marriage in a new perspective and she feels more optimistic about our future together.
There were a few times where my W did cry in the privacy of our room after holding back her tears during the presentation. My W said she could relate so much to what a presenter was saying. She honestly thought she was going crazy because no one understood how she felt but it was a sense of relief for her to hear someone else shared the same feelings.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
WOW!!!!! I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I last posted here. Thank you so much for checking on me LH19, sorry it took so long for me to respond.
So much has happened in the past year! However, to sum things up, I finally took a stand and decided to divorce bust my marriage by saving myself. I decided to finally make myself a priority.
To be honest, my STBX wasn’t going to change. He went from bad to worse. The more lies he told the more I started to see him for who he truly is.
So my friends, late 2020, I filed for divorce. Our divorce should be final in a few months. We stayed in our marital home this past year as an IHS, which I would advise anyone to avoid at all cost. If possible. It’s been awful but financially it made sense. However, it wasn’t ideal.
I’ve been in therapy and have finally got back to a place where I know my worth. I’ve gotten so much stronger the past year. I’m in an amazing place. I’m becoming a better version of myself. I’m taking care of my health and my business is thriving.
I’m finally financially independent from him and it feels amazing!
I’m happier than I’ve been in 3 years! Life is beautiful!
I’m no longer stuck in limbo....I’m FREE!!!!!
Last edited by Living; 04/08/2111:05 PM.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
So many people leave the boards without ever updating.
I’m so glad you’re in a good place and saved yourself. You made the right choice because your STBXH wasn’t changing. Cheaters cheat and liars lie mainly because they don’t see anything wrong with it.
Finding and understanding your value is an important part of the process.
I also did IHS for about a year and a half and although it’s a distant memory it’s definitely not for the weak lol.
Hope you stick around to post. I think the women could use the advice from someone who has come out on the other side.
Thank you much for the support. It’s been a crazy ride but I’ve finally hoped of the roller coaster. You’re right about the lying and cheating. Nothing changed about my STBX, he only got more brazen. He tried to hide it better. And he became highly disrespectful.
I’m walking away with the peace of mind in knowing that I held true to my wedding vows and that I did all that I could and should have done.
We barely talk to one another now and when we do it’s all about business. As soon as the divorce is final, I’ll be going total no contact. The kids are old enough to communicate with him on their own. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with custody mess. So it’s going to be easy to go no contact.
I’ll try to pop on here and there to give advice. Although, I’ll have to pray about what I may say. Lol! I’m no longer into that telling someone what they want to hear. I’ll be blunt and honest.
Thanks again!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Thank you much for the support. It’s been a crazy ride but I’ve finally hoped of the roller coaster. You’re right about the lying and cheating. Nothing changed about my STBX, he only got more brazen. He tried to hide it better. And he became highly disrespectful.
Yes for them to change they have to really hit rock bottom first. Not likely any time soon.
Originally Posted by Living
I’m walking away with the peace of mind in knowing that I held true to my wedding vows and that I did all that I could and should have done.
You should be proud!
Originally Posted by Living
We barely talk to one another now and when we do it’s all about business. As soon as the divorce is final, I’ll be going total no contact. The kids are old enough to communicate with him on their own. Thankfully I don’t have to deal with custody mess. So it’s going to be easy to go no contact.
Me too. It was funny on Easter she sent me this Happy Easter text blah, blah , blah and my response was 4:00 pm.
Originally Posted by Living
I’ll try to pop on here and there to give advice. Although, I’ll have to pray about what I may say. Lol! I’m no longer into that telling someone what they want to hear. I’ll be blunt and honest.
So you will be the female version of me lol.
Good things are coming in your future that I promise you.
I’ll try to pop on here and there to give advice. Although, I’ll have to pray about what I may say. Lol! I’m no longer into that telling someone what they want to hear. I’ll be blunt and honest.
That sounds like a great 180.
I know that I have to think hard about how to respond. I then have to choose my words wisely to hopefully convey the message effectively. The best part of that is it solidifies my view of the subject and when I have to make some decisions in my own life, it is much clearer on what I should do.
Anyway, glad you are focused on yourself and what you can control. Life after D is good if you make all the positive changes to yourself so you do not have to go through the same learning process with someone else.
Looking forward to reading your advise to the newbies. They need as many perspectives as possible.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
