Ten years ago, I started collection and posting links to wise words from the Divorce Busting forums while reading. All the threads are linked below. I am not spending as much time these days reading, but others are free to post quotes here as well. If you do, please put a link to the original thread so others can dig deeper if needed.
If you are getting similar advice from a lot of the vets here, I'd heed it. There will always be desenters. Some do it because they really believe it. Some just like to troll because, I don't know, they have nothing better to do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One of the best quotes I read on here was from Accuray who said he read The only way any healthy relationship can last long term is that both partners are willing to walk away if their needs aren’t being met and both partners have to believe the other is willing to walk.
Something to think about.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One thing I do want to challenge you on. I see you've claimed that you've tried everything in trying to improve. That is a dangerous attitude. We can ALWAYS improve. Self-improvement is not an item on a checklist that we check off. "Okay, done with that!" It is something we are constantly working. And another aspect is the motivation behind our self-improvement. If we are just self-improving to see if our spouse responds favorably, or to see if frequency of sex will go up, or for any other reason than wanting to be the best self we can be, well then we probably haven't really improved, have we?
So work on you......FOR YOU. Not for her. If she recognizes the positive changes and improves herself, great. But the goal should be to be the best you can be! Regardless of how others respond.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I noticed W took off her wedding ring and has never worn it ever since the BD. I still wear mine occasionally, should I keep my ring on? Or does it send the wrong signal to W?
Originally Posted by Steve85
I believe that as long as you are married, you wear your ring. Regardless of what the WAS does. I have lots of reasons for this, and will be glad to share them if you are interested.
Note, not everyone here agrees. So there is no consensus on this. For me it boils down to personal integrity. And you should never give up your personal integrity just because she has.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Gerda was absolutely right in saying it is pointless to try and dialogue with him. Not because he is in a fog, or hurting, or confused, but because THIS IS WHO HE IS at his core, and he has shown no willingness to examine HIS contribution to the marriage failure.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Scout, I just want to comment on your quotin' me since I know that a lot of people read these things long after posters move off from the forum and I think we need to make sure that we all have left the right breadcrumbs in the dark MLC forest.
I do believe it is pointless to dialogue with the MLCer. I wish I had understood that long before, and I keep looking for ways to say it in a way that a new LBS will be able to understand, because it takes most of us so long to get to that point. I understand now that it is the only way to stay sane, because you train yourself to stop hearing the lies and to focus on your own life by having no contact or as little contact as possible.
But I say that in the service of restoration.
I wanted to be clear that I wrote that as a way to offer a tip for someone who does want to stand. I never understood what dropping the rope and going no contact really meant, all these years. I thought I was letting go, and I most certainly did build a life for myself during my H's MLC. But I continued to engage with far too much of his insanity even though compared to a marriage, I rarely engaged him at all. It was hard because we had a business together and lived together. But I didn't set the right boundaries. I never understood that a loving boundary actually is as much no contact as is possible within whatever your circumstances are. I always thought I had to keep being loving and open as a way of showing him the door was open. Now I know he can't even see that there is a door there. If he ever comes out of MLC, he will see the door, whether it's open or shut. And even if it's shut, a truly woken-up MLCer will knock on it. So there is no point in standing near the door, watching the door, painting the door yellow or boarding up the door. The MLCer can't see the door or you behind it.
But for those who want to stand, to outlast the MLC, I just want to say that no contact, an end to engagement, is loving too.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This morning, I felt like not getting out of bed. Limbo, being unwanted for so long, is hard. It is draining and exhausting. But I sat and looked out the window and started "talking" to myself. That I would be okay. That I will be happy. That I cannot see my worth based on his view of my worth. That I cannot validate myself through him. I try to use words like "empower" and "opportunity." I pray a lot. It is a constant fight right now. It's nice to see here that I am not the only one doing the same thing every day, although I am sorry we all have to do it!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
OK well that's a step in the right direction but keep in mind that validating is NOT accepting blame. It is seeking to understand and acknowledge her feelings. It's not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ reasoning/ explaining/ etc. So she says she doesn't think you can stop your controlling behavior, you say something like "you sound frustrated about this, is that how you feel?" (seek to understand her feelings) "Yes it's been very frustrating and it makes me angry, it's been going on for years." "I hear you saying you've been frustrated and angry (mirror back) for years, I am sorry you've been struggling with this." Note that you're not saying you're sorry that you did something wrong, you are simply acknowledging her feelings and allowing her to have them. Most husbands spend so much time trying to argue and convince their wife their feelings are wrong that validation will seem like a shocking change to the wife and she won't trust that it's genuine for quite some time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
