Oh my sweet wooba. Ex used to do this all the time. The perpetual victim.
Did I marry your ex or what?? It is uncanny that addicts follow the same playbook.
Another noteworthy day. H again asked me to step inside to the MBR to talk about finances regarding D. I politely refused to talk about it then and offered multiple time slots when I would be available next week during the week to discuss. I asked him to respect my safe space which is the MBR. He got worked up and cursed at me. Immediately following his f bomb, I calmly said I will exit the conversation now, and I left the MBR. (Kids were in the living room.)
Then he followed me out, wanting to continue the conversation. H explained that work will be crazy so he "out of respect for me" cannot agree to meet outside and talk about it. He said it's not that he wants to delay it, it's just he doesn't think he will me able to meet wtih me (what a bunch of crap). I said fine, let's talk about it right now at the dining table.
I listed out all of our accounts. Thank god we've kept our finances rather simple so it took only a few mins. He didn't really respond to it one way or the other. I proceeded to tell him about the lease and how I'm leaning towards looking for another place that would be cheaper considering after D I'd need to cut down on expenses. I told him how I will need to get rid of most furniture and items if I do have another place. He then said that he is willing to pay for the rent here on top of the child support so he can still keep his things here for the time being.
I told him, "Whatever unpleasant feelings you have for me right now, I want you to know that I don't have any hard feelings towards you. I wish you for you that you will get the help that you need." Of course, he pretty much did not receive my message, and said something like he's hurt by me so doesn't want to feel anything for me....he does not need help..etc.
oh, and he said, "our camping is still on right? (in April) I already paid for it!!!" (who cares about camping and why is it so effin important???"
So, I don't see things moving anywhere anytime soon. He is stalling, exactly like what I anticipated. He wanted to scare me with D talk, money talk, etc.....use my fears to manipulate me...I'm sorry, it no longer works on me. so finally the hate comes out. all the blame is placed on me.
My landlord later replied to me and said that they are willing to extend the lease. I'm both disappointed and relieved to hear this news. Once I sign another year, it's as if I'm agreeing to this status quo of sh*t for another year. But selling everything, packing, looking for another place, and moving all within 3 months....along with everything that's happening right now is also too much for me to handle. I want to draw my line with H clearly and just move forward with D. But I think the stress from the timing will crush me.
digging deeper for patience....and compassion.....
You did amazing above. Good job handling it without emotion and keeping calm. He is really pulling in all the drama lately.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Just checking in. How are things going? I remember you saying your kids were out of school a few weeks back and I was like OMG HOW is she handling it? And now my kids are home for at least a month, maybe more... so incredible how quickly things are changing.
Discussing your camping trip in April in the same conversation as D finances? Wow.
Originally Posted by wooba
So, I don't see things moving anywhere anytime soon. He is stalling, exactly like what I anticipated. He wanted to scare me with D talk, money talk, etc.....use my fears to manipulate me...I'm sorry, it no longer works on me. so finally the hate comes out. all the blame is placed on me.
You seeing this so clearly is great. I'm sure it doesn't bother you as much as it used to now that you can see it. Do you feel like it still bothers you somewhat? Or are you kind of observing his behavior thinking WOW and it doesn't impact you emotionally at all?
Originally Posted by wooba
My landlord later replied to me and said that they are willing to extend the lease. I'm both disappointed and relieved to hear this news. Once I sign another year, it's as if I'm agreeing to this status quo of sh*t for another year. But selling everything, packing, looking for another place, and moving all within 3 months....along with everything that's happening right now is also too much for me to handle. I want to draw my line with H clearly and just move forward with D. But I think the stress from the timing will crush me.
I don't think you need to worry about it feeling like you're agreeing to put up with his garbage for another year. You're making the best decision for you given everything that is happening. Are there other ways you can set up and enforce boundaries with your H that don't involve moving?
Hope you're hanging in there!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks for checking in may! I can't believe it's been a week since I last updated...!!
The world has changed a lot in a week. I thought I was in a crisis before, but now this crisis is something entirely on a different scale. Needless to say our marriage is not really on the top of my list of things to deal with at the moment. I'm not sure which is better.....obsessed with the state of covid-19 or the state of our M?? lol. I welcome the "distraction."
H recently came into contact with someone who came from a high risk location, so we both think it's best to limit our physical contact. I've seen him for maybe less than 5 mins total last week. He stopped by the house to grab some clothes and took off. In times like this, I feel rather fortunate that H has a place of his own. He can self quarantine! Who knew that this would be one of the perks of him moving out?
On the other hand, my newfound zen definitely has been interrupted by the anxiety of the virus situation. It's amazing how anxiety takes a toll on the overall mental state. it leads to one thing and another...(such as less patience with the kids) and at the end of the day everyday I feel completely drained. I have been dipping my feet in the pool of sorrow a little bit.....feeling sorry for myself that it's the apocalypse and I am trying to raise three children on my own.
So it's strange. The beginning of last week I was kind of upset that he didn't seem to care what's going on in the world. But I guess maybe because the virus situation got worse so he's finally paying attention. We talked on the phone a few times recently about random things and I feel like our attitude/tone towards each other has relaxed a little. It's less cold. Today I almost said a habitual "love you!" in the end when I was about to hang up. I caught myself in the beginning of the L sound and quickly said "ok bye!"
Did I mention that I can't really hold grudges? Plus it doesn't help that I am feeling quite helpless right now, I almost want to tell H to just forget what happened up to this point, and let's just start over!!! I actually have to remind myself that things have not been pretty in the last few months.
Who knows what's going to happen. Life is really unpredictable. I watched Frozen 2 the other day and was inspired by the song "do the next right thing."
Take a step, step again It is all that I can to do The next right thing I won't look too far ahead It's too much for me to take But break it down to this next breath, this next step This next choice is one that I can make
Last night H came back after midnight, said something to me (I can’t remember since I was asleep and he woke me) and he spent the night upstairs in our guest room. I woke up this morning, realizing that he had brought all his stuff with him...toiletries...clothes..medication. I was like, wth is going on? After getting the kids fed, I went upstairs to check on him.
There he was. Lying on the sofa bed (he didn’t even bother to make it into a bed), no blanket, no pillow. Like he literally just passed out on the couch. It looked a little sad.
I didn’t wake him. I continued with our morning routine. Took the kids to school and by the time I came back he had already gone to work.
I got a bit nervous during the day thinking that he’s going to come back home. I thought I’d welcome it, but I did not. Especially after seeing the two bottles of whiskey he brought home and left on the table. No, not welcoming him back if alcohol is still part of the deal.
Anyways, later at night he came back. Packed his stuff up again, and said, see you guys in a couple of days.
So no idea what last night was all about. Why he decided to all the sudden came back in the middle of the night and crashed in our guest room.
Moment of weakness for him? I won’t spend my time analyzing it beyond the time I’m taking to write this post.
Lease is renewed today. I have another year to practice patience.
Keep up the brave work in practicing patience. It takes a lot to master it when your emotions are so hard at play. I know I sorely lack in that department and my sitch is crumbling for it.
Sorry that alcohol is playing such a big part but only he can conquer those demons. I assume you are looking into an alanon group?
How weird, wooba. Long enough for you to feel that you’d rather him not be there now, and long enough for you to keep doing your thing in the face of the uncertainty. I’m constantly asking for more patience. At the end of this, I imagine we’ll have unending supplies of it. (((Wooba)))
He had a crisis. Made a decision. Woke up sober enough. Realized what he did. Realized probably not smart. And left again. I’ve seen it. Expect drunk sappy texts and calls in the near future. And then him being a d**k once you get used to it. Hang in there my dear. I’m thinking about you often.
Wooba-- wow. He is sure a mind f**k. I am super impressed with your thought process and how you handled the whole thing. This was in the middle of his self-quarantine, right? I wonder if that is why he jetted back off again so quickly, realizing that he wasn't supposed to be there.
We just watched Frozen 2 also... the next right thing is a great way to think of all of this. We can't predict the future but we can make that next right choice. I think with where the world is right now, it is truly all we can focus on.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. xx
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you guys for the responses. There are times when I just want to tell all my friends IRL about all this to get it off my chest, but I still don’t think it’s the right time yet. When I think about it I don’t feel ashamed like I used to a little, mainly just “ugh I wouldn’t want to deal with telling the story 10 times or answering a bunch of questions about my M”. But sometimes it does get a bit annoying when friends ask me innocent Qs about H and small talk involving H.....I don’t like to pretend everything is fine but I do still. Anyways.....so it is definitely nice to come here to talk and get feedback. My virtual people.
NC for 3 days. It’s been nice and quiet.
I was bored over the weekend since we’re social distancing, I tried making pretzels at home for the first time. They turned out terrible but edible...my youngest said they look like poopoo bread. Lol! So the next day I had to make up for my bad baking by making some butter pecan cookies....they were YUM!
I’m enjoying my time with my boys. Yes they drive me crazy sometimes with all the pettiness, but they also show me so much love at the most unexpected times. We looked at their baby pictures together the other day. Lovely distant memories. Maybe a tiny ache, but no tears from me. It is what it is. Life goes on.
