So how do you start to remove yourself as that safety net? Because I can tell you, that as long as he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and still come home to you as his safety net, he will continue to do what he is doing.
I have to admit, I'm still struggling with this a bit. But I do notice that the more I manage to have an I don't care attitude with him, the more he keeps reaching out to me. He hasn't said anything more about moving out still. He asked if my mom could take the kids one weekend because he got invited out to his buddy's camp. I actually got excited for 30 seconds until he continued that he knows I will probably be getting stuff ready for school that weekend. (I work in the schools) I felt so stupid.
I notice that he makes little digs at me and I used to laugh or dish it back. Now I just look at him straight faced and repeat what he said. It's no wonder my self-esteem is shot.
I'm mad that I'm the only one changing and improving myself, so I've started a list in my journal about what *I* want in a relationship and what that looks like to me. I'm spending more of my evenings doing what I want within the house instead of cleaning. I'm apologizing less for basically existing. I'm posting more selfies. I'm making meals that I feel like cooking/eating vs what he wasnts/expects He told me to go out the other day for some peace and quiet. Typically I would rush back. I took my time and even got myself a coffee. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm really leaning on my friends a lot.
C'est, I am seeing some good signs here. I am seeing an awakening in you that you deserve more than he is giving you right now. And you are 100% right, you do. No matter what your past mistakes were, you certainly deserve a H who is leaning into the MR, matching your effort and energy, instead of leaning out.
I have to say, the little digs trouble me. As a former "little digger" of my W, that is behavior that is indicative of a selfish, angry, resentful person. When my W started to categorize it as verbal abuse it really opened my eyes (as well as the fact that she wanted a D and wanted to find someone new). Please stand up for yourself. I like the tactic of: "I refuse to be spoken down to like that." calmly and firmly, and then walking away.
You mentioned the IDC attitude and the effect it has on him. Go read the pursuit-distance thread. It is a real psychological phenomenon most of us experienced through our sitch. WASs are like cats. Go for them and they will run from you. Sit still and act like you don't care if they jump up on you or not, and they will usually jump on up.
Keep up your list! Also, are you in IC? Self-esteem being affected by other people is something you need to work through. You should know your own worth, regardless of what he says or does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Non-update, update. Back to school time is a crazy time in my house, this year more than most, so I haven't had much downtime to get on.
I am still living in limbo. I am still not pursuing and acting like I'm just living my life for me and my kids. I did get off track a bit with doing things for me, but I am getting back on track! It's just a matter of finding that balance again.
We got into one argument about a month ago, and I kept my cool and didn't get taken in by his usual tactics and I think it threw him off. He tried his usual one-upmanship techniques and I didn't bow down to them. He said to me that he knew I hadn't really changed (Which to me, says that I have and that he's noticed. Cool. Doing it for me, not you buddy) Then he realized the mistake that caused the fight was actually his. He also threw in that the apt from the first quarter of the year was still available to him.
Christmas was brought up today and I broached gifts because he wanted to buy the kids the gift they want the most (When I'm the one that sleuthed it out) He said they'd be from both of us and why wouldn't we. I said I didn't know if he'd be here. He said that if he was or wasn't he'd hoped he could still be here for xmas. (Not sure how I feel about that). He said it was a conversation for another time. So I suggested later this week when the kids aren't home and he agreed.
I was cool as a cucumber on the outside, but my fitness tracker says my heartrate was 105. I'm scared now. I don't know how to handle the conversation. I don't want to pursue, but I am interested in making the relationship work. I need help. I need advice. I need guidance. I don't want to mess up the progress I've made and the person I'm becoming. I want to stay strong. I need chapters to read or mantras or anything really. I know I haven't been here lately, but I'm still hoping someone can help.
Hi C’est! I am not sure if we have ‘met’ before, but I have read your thread in the past. I don’t have your full story in my mind, but I do have some thoughts about your Christmas conversation. Firstly, Christmas is still a long ways away in terms of DB and R status. So anything you decide now can change. With that in mind, can you go along with the joint gift and make the assumption H will be around? Act ‘as-if’ for the moment.
And then if things change, you can pivot in the future as needed.
Don’t let Christmas be a deal-breaker or an opportunity to set an ultimatum or start a R talk. So much can change in two months’ time, so let this be just another conversation, nothing abnormal.
