1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

[MrBrside]

Morning Pommy,

I have switched into angry phase and I told him in the middle of the night he has to leave today, not next weekend.

Natural response - we are human after all - But it will achieve nothing. Try and remain calm and composed when you deal with them - The wayward will just use your anger to justfy their decission.. "oh my ex was crazy / angry".. Nothing frustrates a WW more than a calm and composed LBS, as they want you to be the bad one - it justifies their actions.

He came to find me this morning to talk about why I was angry. I told him that it was anger regarding his lies about OW, the anxiety and paranoia i’d felt for 12 months, that he’d put her friendship above mine, that I should have said enough way before now, but that I didn’t because I was trying to repair the marriage, and now even this last week, he’s still lying to me. His response was that to him it was just a friendship and it seemed easier to not say anything about being in contact with her. And I disagreed and said you covered it all up because you knew on some level it was inappropriate, you told her you loved her, and even when sober 2 days later you told me you didn’t know if you were in love with her or not. That we were never going to repair a marriage in crisis whilst you were having an EA. And he apologised and said I had every right to be angry, and hadn’t realised before now how much this had hurt me and for such a long time. And he was very quiet. I was very composed and unemotional in my delivery. He went and made my breakfast and I left for work.

Believe nothing they say.. He may say he is sorry - blar blar blar - But it won't stop him messaging OW etc. His mind is elsewhere right now - and as harsh as its sounds, his mind isn't on you. He wants out - out to carry on with this new fantasy life.

So now what? I have no idea what next. My emotions are changing by the hour, although I am feeling more in control during this angry phase, and not clingy or upset. I could’ve WFH today, with him, but don’t want to see him

Well if you can't handle work, and he wont' leave - maybe try a coffee shop with wifi etc. That gets you away from him, and gives you time to calm down - and should allow you to work - hopefully taking your mind off the situation.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but after the weekend it will get easier. You just need to be strong ( really strong ) - enforce boundaries and don't get sucked into mind games.

[oceangrl]

Oh Pommy, I'm sorry. What you're feeling is normal. I felt that anger when I felt like I was waking up. Like my deep, inner self was waking up and saying, "I don't think so. This is not okay to treat me like this."

This is all so hard and so unfair. But you are doing great and we are here for you. I hope you're doing okay.

[belleva]

Pommy, how are you doing? In an earlier post you said your emotions seem to change by the hour. And that part of you just wants it to be done. I can really relate to both of those things. When all of this started (before I knew there was an OW) I felt such love and longing. I was living with this alien version of my H and I just wanted the "real" him back. And then when I found out he lived a double life all those months and looked me in the eye and lied with every breath, every day I felt humiliated and foolish and pathetic. And as the weeks have gone on, I really do feel that his "sparkles are wearing off." I wish I could credit that great phrase to the right person. I read it on here somewhere and I actually wrote it in my journal.

His sparkles are wearing off. Yes. And I no longer feel I even know who the "real" him is. Who the real H ever was. I don't have any idea what the future holds and I cannot see a clear path ahead. I do not know what is possible.

The anger I felt a few weeks ago was all consuming and destructive. I think the anger I feel now is motivating and protective. A truly righteous indignation. You did not deserve any of this. Not the lies and the betrayal. Not the Jekyll and Hyde alien H. None of it. You did not deserve it.

I do not know your H. Mine is conflict avoidant. He is a coward in every sense of the word. It takes my breath away the lengths he will go to in order to avoid any feeling of discomfort. I read somewhere that cowardice cannot exist alongside morality. That seems right. It takes courage to do the right thing even when it is difficult. I have a lot of fear about all the unknowns. For me, for my family. But I am trying very hard to not let fear paralyze me. And I think you are too. You are handling it all so bravely.

[Pommy99]

Hi peeps, well pretty good week, aside from today. After the anger outburst I picked myself up and GAL’ed like a badass ! Out on my bike before work, gym after work, lunch with a friend, night out with girl friends, really haven’t given H any time or attention, just been incredibly upbeat and relaxed and it has felt good.

He moves out tomorrow and I haven’t given it much thought. I think I have subconsciously felt relief. We are acting like nothing more than business colleagues right now. He’s no longer in the MBR. He accidentally brushed my arm this week and retracted like he’d touched something really offensive. I thought of Wayfarer’s similar experience and laughed to myself! Sadly, however, I cannot even imagine us being close again, or ever being able to create M v2. I did consider how I would feel if he turned round this week and said he didn’t want to leave after all. And I genuinely felt that I would not want him to stay right now. That we need this time apart, and maybe it will be forever. And this week I have felt ok with that. Until today.

Due to Covid he was unable to travel for work, or for the next 2 weeks. So he has been wfh all week and I have avoided wfh myself. (I can’t quite believe that I spent all of last year wanting him to be home for, say, 2-3 weeks without travel, so we could have some prolonged time together, instead of him going away every single week. And he would never do it.) Now he is forced to wfh and because he doesn’t get his broadband until 23rd he’s actually asked me if he can work from the house all next week. I’ve pretty much said no. He still thinks he’s entitled to as he feels it’s his home too. I said, no, you have a stake in ownership but after tomorrow it is not your home.

In the same mindset, he was planning to only move the stuff he needs right now, and leave all the stuff he doesn’t want (books, CDs, paperwork, etc) until another time. Again I have said no, you’re moving out, you take all your stuff. He told me I was being unreasonable.

Maybe I was being harsh and reactive. It culminated in me crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I haven’t cried since Sunday. I guess it will feel worse over the weekend.

So I feel the right thing to do is not let him work from the house next week, but at the same time, it’s a time when we should be helping others in any way we can. What do you guys think? I know the house is cheaper and more convenient than his other options, which is why it’s an easy option for him, but I do want him to have to start living with the choices he’s made.

[may22]

(((POMMY)))

Glad to hear about all the GALing! That is great and your attitude is terrific. Really proud of you.

FWIW on H wanting to work from home and not taking all his $hit... I'm 100% with you, girl. I went through all these scenarios in my mind if H moved out, and that was just such a hard line for me. If he's making that choice, he loses all the benefit of having you as his wife and partner. Why should you store his $hit for him? Why should you let him work from home? I think our Hs don't realize all the things you do to support them and how their wants/needs get baked into what the family does, because that is how a marriage works. Once someone is done, their partner is no longer obligated to bend over backwards or take their spouse's preferences into consideration, unless it somehow is important for the LBS or the children. But who gives a flying F about the WS? Not me!

I did communicate this to my H (before he decided to end the A) and he also thought I was being unreasonable. But for instance I wouldn't have let him take my kids on a 4 week trip, I wouldn't go with them and pretend we were still a family. Sorry. He could take them for a week max and I'd come get them so it wouldn't screw up his overall trip. I never, ever wavered on this hard line of what would happen if we split. I would NOT BE HIS FRIEND. Maybe down the line at some point, but not anytime soon and maybe never.

Your H should start practicing what it is like out there in the real world. Go to a coffee shop, a co-working space. whatever. Not your problem. The only thing I would be thinking about in your shoes a bit right now is $$, and admittedly i don't know how splitting of marital assets works where you live. But in my state it is all communal so anything H would have spent on an apartment or a storage unit would be basically paid for half by me as well. (Part of my all-consuming anger at the thought of him actually MO... we simply couldn't really afford a second place, so we would all need to cut back in other areas so that he could get his little love nest.)

HUGS, Pommy. You got this. Be strong! I think you'll feel so much better when you have some space to yourself.

[Pommy99]

May, love your responses as always! {{{hugs}}}!

You are so right , he can’t lean on me anymore. He was the one who said he needed to MO and feel like he’d lost me in order to understand what he wanted. I need to stand firm and not let this be a convenient solution or fall back. He’s pretty accustomed to having best of both worlds, isn’t he! I told him I’m not offering a storage facility and if he needs a storage solution then head down to Big Yellow Box or whatever nearby!!

What I’m unsure about now, is how to position myself in regard to being the lighthouse but not being his friend. How does that work?

[wooba]

I totally understand how you feel. Aren't we LBSs so considerate to think about their inconveniences and what is the minimum we could do to help them when they've shown nothing like that to us? I think tough love is needed in your case.

What I’m unsure about now, is how to position myself in regard to being the lighthouse but not being his friend. How does that work?

Sorry I haven't read your whole thread....for me, when my H initiates contact because he's feeling down and needs someone to talk to, I will respond and offer words of encouragement minimally. But I respond to these mainly because my H has been suicidal and he really has no one else to talk to. I almost never initiate contact unless it's logistics or I am seriously worried about his well-being as our children's father. If your H has other friends he can lean on, let him go to those friends for friendship. You're being the lighthouse by not filing D.

[may22]

What I’m unsure about now, is how to position myself in regard to being the lighthouse but not being his friend. How does that work?

So.... this is a good question and I tossed it around for a couple of hours in the back of my head today. In a nutshell, I agree with Wooba... it is time for some tough love.

I would recommend is being as balanced and kind as possible, while still being firm. The last thing you want to do is to give him any fuel for his narrative of you being unreasonable. You are being perfectly reasonable.. within the context of your H wanting out of your M. You might remind him that he is the one who is asking for this, you aren't going to stop him, but neither do you think it is right or fair for him to take advantage of you. He is the one that wants this. Think of it like you aren't enabling him and/or undercutting his ability to really see what it is like out there on his own. If you scaffold it for him and make it super easy and he still works from home and leaves all his stuff, he isn't really understanding what life would be like in a D scenario. So you're really helping him!

And remember... you are important in all of this too! You need to take care of yourself and heal and he isn't going to help you do that... you need to do it for yourself. So don't feel badly about stating what you need in order for you to be emotionally safe and focused on healing. To me, there comes a point where you aren't really worrying about being the lighthouse for him. You're being the lighthouse for yourself and your children. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and them while he goes on this selfish little adventure. He doesn't need to drag you along. The light is still there and if he opens his eyes he'll be able to see it... but right now, he is too blind. Don't let yourself get caught up in his crazy narrative.

[Pommy99]

So we slept in the mbr last night. Nothing more than holding hands in the night, bit of a hug. But it felt like the right thing to do, because it might possibly be the last time we would share a bed, and we spent the first night in that house together, why not the last. Today was difficult, he seemed so unemotional whilst I was falling to pieces inside. I said and did things to provoke a response, like he could take my rings and watch and sell them, that he could take every thing he ever bought me, and dumping my beloved cuddly toy dog of 20 years in his pile of packing. Everything was hurting so much. Eventually I left the house and am now enjoying a girly afternoon with my two. I did apologise over text and said I’ve never felt this level of hurt and I don’t know how to manage it. He sent some sweet texts back. I texted ILY. I don’t care right now that this isn’t DBing, I won’t continue to pursue but today I don’t care. I really should’ve booked us a weekend away and let him get on with it. Not looking forward to going back to the house tonight.

May you are right I can’t focus on being anything for him- lighthouse, friend, it’s just me now and my girls. Now that he’s gone I hope my emotions will calm down a little. What will be will be. Right now I can’t even imagine is being H & W again.

[may22]

Hi Pommy, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing with the move. is he out? I hope you are being kind to yourself and once you have a bit more space to yourself can relax and refocus on YOU. You're the prize. He's an idiot. Let him go and work on healing yourself. You can do this.

xx M