I don't know if understand is the right word. I guess there are explanations, as Job describes in his reply. I do agree Steve that an affair is just wrong. No gray area. Just wrong. I am here to try to get stronger personally so that I can be okay no matter what happens.
I like your attitude, i.e., "to get stronger personally so that I can be okay no matter what happens". We all have been right where you are today and trust me, in time, you will get stronger. At first, it's a rocky road and you have ups and downs, but once you learn how to detach a bit more and learn how to watch is actions to see if they match up w/his words, you'll be okay.
Be sure you watch your finances. You may want to consider setting up a separate checking/savings account and stash money in it. The credit cards are another area that you need to watch. They tend to love to spend money on whatever makes them happy. I would also run a credit report to make sure he's not taken out any loans that you aren't aware of.
Try to keep the focus on you and your family. It will get better, i.e., one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I cannot tell you how low I was the night I wrote my first post. I felt such anguish and despair and hopelessness. The support here is like nothing I've ever experienced. I have read and read and read so many of your stories, start to finish. It takes my breath away that humans can hurt one another in the ways so many here have been hurt. But it is also inspiring to see the strength, the resilience and the kindness we creatures are also capable of. I know how long it takes to type out these words and so many of you give your time and wisdom selflessly to strangers like me on the other side of a screen maybe thousands of miles from where you are. It renews my faith.
I know, I know Job- I do need to financially protect my family. I think to myself that he just can't possibly be capable of financially hurting us too. But the truth is I don't know what he is capable of anymore. I think to myself that I should move some money into a separate account. But I am fearful of the reaction. I don't have any idea how he will react if I move money. It seems like that could be pouring gasoline on a fire. I don't know what to do.
Hi Belleva - thank you for stopping by my thread the other day.
You have received some great advice already. I have read your thread and agree with the others that you seem to be someone who has the potential to grow exponentially in strength and courage during this extremely difficult time in your life.
I am sorry you are going through this. But please know you are not alone.
Part of the reason everyone here talks about focusing on yourself is that the WAS is in a state of chaotic thinking right now. Nothing they say can be trusted, because it is based on a cycle of negative and emotional thinking that has no logical basis.
One minute they may say something that gives you hope - and the next say something that will crush your spirit. I had this happen dozens of times early on in my sit, before I found this website. I too read as many situations as I could here, and I determined that it was a real thing that so many other LBH experience.
Detachment here is crucial. It helps to return you to a state of calm - you steady the ship in the rocking seas by removing yourself from the equation. Let WAS deal with the chaos in his own mind - without you interfering. Let him figure it out for himself - and see that it is not you who has the issues. Of course, you cannot tell him this with words, you have to allow him to discover it for himself.
You do not have to do this with hate or anger. It is often called "loving detachment", because you are letting go of your spouse. You are freeing them to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with in the manner they choose.
This will not be over quickly, or easily. Should you decide to stand for your marriage, there will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions that will last a long time. Not days, not weeks, maybe not even months or a year. It may take multiple years before the spouse returns to themselves - if they decide to return, that is - and there will be many ups and downs along the way.
This is a great time to work on yourself and figure out what you like to do with your life. Classes, music lessons, trips, meditation, exercising, walks, reading books, hobbies you've neglected, friendships you've put by the wayside, things you've always wanted to do.
When I dexided to stand for my M, I realized I had a lot of time and a lot of things I had always wanted to do. So I made myself a list of things to do to keep myself occupied. It ended up being a very long list - with some things going back to childhood. I recommend it to anyone - it is a great way to pass the lonely hours and it gets your mind off things for a while.
I am sorry you are here - but you've found a great place with a lot of very knowledgeable people here who will help you tremendously.
I sit down and try to write updates and realize that my thoughts are not nearly as organized as you all. And my words not nearly as eloquent.
So I will embrace my random thought bubbles.
Observation. Darned if I do, darned if I don't. As you know H is "sorry" for his affair but not sure he wants to even try to repair the marriage. Says he is a jumbled mess inside. Says he needs time to figure things out. Ok. Since finding you wise people, there has been no begging, no pleading, no reasoning etc. from me. (I have fallen off the wagon a few times and cried in front of him or mouthed off with some anger and rage.)
As the initial shock of discovering the affair has receded, I've been feeling more steady each day. And thanks to you all, more able to step back and recognize that I am not the crazy person in this situation. I have stopped talking and started listening. Much of what comes out of his mouth is so bizarre and illogical it takes my breath away. A lot of it is contradictory. All of it is infuriating. Example: In the past week or so, he asks most every day to see me, to talk. Texts, calls, emails. Then when he sees me he actually says "are there things you want to talk about? things you want to say?" and I remind him that he asked to talk to me not the other way around. He calls every day to "check in." I generally do not answer the phone. On the rare occasion I do, I am told how much he resents having to call and check in. (I have not asked him to call.) When I don't answer, he calls more frequently. Sometimes multiple times in a day. And then berates me for making him worry that something horrible has happened. He tells me it is so selfish and cruel to make him worry like that. He talks to and texts with our children. He knows we are all fine. Last night he actually said to me "You've never gone THREE days without talking to me. That is just not us. It is not how we operate." WTF? I am thinking to myself (but not saying aloud) "You are the one saying you aren't sure you want to be in a life with me. What is it that you imagine that life without me looks like? Do we talk every day? Do we check in and have a friendly back and forth about the events of the day? Because I don't think that is what being divorced would look like. So go figure out what it is you want."
The thing is I'm not "ignoring" him to make some point. I am working on detaching and for me part of that means not engaging. Because I am not (yet) able to reliably interact with him without getting emotional. So for me, not interacting is what I feel able to do.
Next random thought bubble: Can this get filed away in some place with all the crazy things cheaters say? He told me last night that he feels like he has no control over his life. I asked if he could say more about that and he said he didn't know how to explain it. So I asked if he could give me an example. He said that at his apartment he never eats dinner. He doesn't cook himself any dinner. That he actually sits there and worries about how it might upset me if he cooks himself something nice for dinner. At first I thought that this must be some metaphor for something else. But it was not a metaphor. Since getting his apartment, any night he isn't home having dinner with us, he just does not eat. And he resents that and feels like it is somehow (????) my fault and just another example of how every choice he makes has to go through a filter of how I might react or feel about it. I tell him "You should eat. I want you to eat dinner. Why on earth would I be upset if you make yourself food?" He says it isn't rational but that he just can't make any choice without worrying about whether or not it will upset me. And so rather than take the chance that I might get upset, he just doesn't eat. << Are you all hitting your head against a wall?>> So I sit for a minute and then I say something that is probably not validating or proper DB but I did say it in a completely calm and unemotional way. I said this "Am I hearing you right? You don't cook yourself dinner because you think I might be angry or hurt that you made food for yourself even though there is literally NO reason to think I would want you to go without dinner?" He replies "Yes, that is what I am saying." And then I said "There is no reason in the world for you think I want you to miss a meal. Nothing in our whole life together would suggest that. Like that is crazy town, you get that right? And there is every reason in the world to think I might not want you to have sex with someone else, that it might upset and hurt me. And yet you did THAT for a long time and lied about it. Do you see how those things don't really line up?" And he replied "Well **THAT** is totally different." I walked away from the conversation at that point.
And random thought bubble three I've had a really good week (all things considered)... some community projects I've been working on for a long time are finally coming to fruition and it was a busy and rewarding week putting the final pieces in place. I experienced some joy. I felt like ME. When I saw H last night he asked questions about the projects and how things went this week and I did not want to sit and dish about all the details. In our normal life he is the first person I want to tell everything. I would come home overflowing with excitement and sharing the details of something I am passionate about with him is wonderful. But in this murky situation, I had no desire to share details about something important to my heart with someone who has disregarded my heart. I actually had a moment in the conversation where I was able to stand outside of it and observe and noted that it was a strange, new feeling to NOT want to share.
Another random thought bubble He said he feels unsettled and stressed. He said he wants to feel peaceful and content. I think I validated properly by saying that I am sorry he feels stressed and that we all deserve to feel peaceful and content. But inside I was thinking "if you actually felt peaceful and content right now I would think you are a sociopath."
Gosh Belleva he sounds so confused! The fact he feels weird having a meal but not weird having sex with OW is indicative of how f’ed up their minds get.
I have also had the irrational behaviours from H: telling me he wants to separate and then accusing me of ignoring him when I don’t reply to his texts, or that I don’t pay him attention when we are watching tv together. I just don’t know why it is they want! Also with my H away every week he would call/text to let me know where he was going, when he was back at hotel etc. I never asked him to do this, but he would then complain that he had to give me a running commentary on his whereabouts.
You sound like you are making progress with detaching, which is really good.
You are separated right? How long ago did he move out, can I ask?
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I know, I know Job- I do need to financially protect my family. I think to myself that he just can't possibly be capable of financially hurting us too. But the truth is I don't know what he is capable of anymore. I think to myself that I should move some money into a separate account. But I am fearful of the reaction. I don't have any idea how he will react if I move money. It seems like that could be pouring gasoline on a fire. I don't know what to do.
Take emotion out of it. Protecting yourself financially is something you do as a matter of pragmatism.
Also, do not do something or not do something out of fear. Fear rarely if ever tells you to do the right thing. Short of running from danger, fear should not be a factor in your decision to act.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Pommy, I found out about the affair at the end of January and immediately asked him to leave. So he has been gone about a month and a half at this point. He had been acting like a lost moody teenager (MLC?) for eight or nine months prior to me learning of the affair... and indeed the affair was happening all that time, just unbeknownst to me.
Hey y'all. I have not updated much because there is not much to update. I continue to read the archives and honestly every question I would ask you wise people has been answered in old threads. There is so much wisdom here. I have wallpapered my refrigerator with quotes from you amazing people.
Also. There is the good girl in me who doesn't want to trouble anyone with my pain. I have limited my contact with H these past couple of weeks. For me. For my sanity. And it has helped tremendously. I am so much steadier and more stable on the days I do not see him or talk to him. I ignore most of his calls. I don't know if that is DB or not. I have accepted a couple of invitations to spend time together and of course have been generous in terms of him seeing the kiddos. I feel guarded when I am around him. The most recent encounter on Friday night I tried to go through the motions a bit more. I laid in bed next to him and put my head on his shoulder. I wanted to see what that felt like. For me. It felt humiliating and dirty. Is that weird? I just kept thinking about him with HER and I felt like bumbling, foolish, idiot. I know if I just completely distance myself from him there is no space to create good vibes, to remind him of what is good and true about us. (Am I right about that?) So I do make some effort. But I also know he is a pathological nice guy and much of him wanting to see me (at least at the moment) is about allaying HIS guilt and enabling HIM to maintain his self talk/ self image as a "nice guy" doing the "friendly" thing. Remember folks that he said to me that couldn't "bear it we aren't friends." I don't want to be friends outside of a marriage. Nope. No way. NO NO NO. I don't want to enable him avoiding bad feelings, avoiding confronting what he has done. There is NO excuse for an affair. No excuse for lying. No excuse for living a double life. I don't deserve that. All those months I jumped through hoops. Kept a happy face. Supported his crazy alien melt down. But I didn't know about the OW. And now I do. And I feel like a fool. An idiot. I feel so very humiliated.
I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing. Can you all tell me what I should be doing? How often should I see him? How should I behave when I see him?
I am proud (should I be?) for putting some space between us. I am proud of not responding to every call, every text. I am proud that most days lately (since meeting you fine folks) I don't fire off emotional emails. I sort of failed on that tonight. Okay. I really failed. Because I am so tired of the mind f*C& of it all. Because I have not once told him how despicable he is for what he did. And tonight I did. He came over today to work in the yard. Because grass has to be cut and our property is way more than I can manage on my own. He came over and did work in the yard. And then lingered and lingered. The longer he lingered the more anxious I felt. Because there is all this uncertainty. Limbo. Whatever. Finally he asked if he could stay for family dinner but also said he didn't want to stay after dinner... that he wanted to get back to his place and do some work... I said you should do whatever you want to do and he said he didn't really know what he wanted to do. So I said so you just should go. I don't want you here if you don't want to be here. Don't stay for dinner. And he left. And I cried and cried and cried. For the life we had. For the life I imagined in the future. For our children. For all of it. I cried so much. And then I started firing off emails. I have wanted to say to him for sometime that if this, *THIS* is how he chooses to end our marriage--- cheating, lying, dodging any responsibility, making NO effort to repair trust or repair anything- that there will be no friendly, easy going, quick path out. That he destroyed that when he decided to cheat and lie. We won't be friends. And any D will be acrimonious, long, litigious, expensive and stressful. I don't feel all warm and fuzzy right now.
He told me the other night that he wants me trust him but that he sometimes feels resentful about being accountable and transparent. That he thinks "why shouldn't I do what I want? To what end am I trying to be trustworthy?" And I said have you stopped to think about what anything looks like going forward if you can't be trusted? He really sat with that in silence and then said "Good God. NO. I haven't. I guess you will go nuclear. I guess I need to protect myself from you going nuclear." WTF? I have integrity. I don't even buy a vacuum cleaner without discussing it. There is nothing in 20+ years to suggest I would go "nuclear." He is the liar. The cheater. OMG. He also said he misses me. Wants to come home. Is skeptical anything can be different and wishes he didn't feel skeptical. This is still all my fault to him.
Serenity now.
Steve, if you are reading... I did move some money into a separate account. I am terrified of what happens when he finds out but I agree with you that being paralyzed by fear is no way to live. I hope he will understand that as a stay at home spouse/ mom I desperately needed to have some tiny amount of security right now. I have no intention of spending the money unless I need to pay a lawyer or in some worst case scenario. I am truly terrified of what might happen when he realizes I moved money. One day at a time.
